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Post by reg but anon on Aug 7, 2005 21:01:07 GMT 1
I found out on Friday that my husband had a relationship with one of his underlings at work. Ironically it is all this board's fault I found out, I registered with a new name, changed my mind and re-registered with my old forum name using his e-mail address. There were only two e-mails there, which seemed a bit sus, so I opened the other one (one was from IHDG) and it was a conversation with this woman which included him telling her he loved her.
He says it was all over a couple of months ago, he didn't sleep with her and wants to be with me, he is sorry etc. and says he was depressed at the time. We have been together 17 years and have two young children.
I feel so weird, I really trusted him and thought he would be the last person to do something like this. I don't want to tell people as I don't want them feeling sorry for me, and it is humiliating. Am I going to be able to forgive him, as right now it doesn't feel like it. There must be someone on here who knows how I'm feeling and has come out the other side.
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bassethound
Intermediate Poster
basset lover
Posts: 216
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Post by bassethound on Aug 7, 2005 21:05:40 GMT 1
give him his marching orders, he was able to lie bafore so whos to say he isnt doing it now. if it was all over why was the email there, was it dated?
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Post by reg but anon on Aug 7, 2005 21:13:04 GMT 1
It will have been dated, but he was sitting opposite me when I found it, I really wish I'd kept my mouth shut until I'd properly read the whole thing, but was so shocked I couldn't - he rushed round and turned my pc off, then erased it all on his.
I do believe him that it is over, as a couple of months ago he stopped talking about his 'friend', he was always going on about her, but I thought she was just a good friend - how dumb am I?
I've told him that if it ever happens again, then that is absolutely it, but will have to try to forgive him this once, the kids would be devastated if he left and I do still love him (but obviously don't feel I can trust him). It just seems totally unreal to me, I still can't quite believe it.
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bassethound
Intermediate Poster
basset lover
Posts: 216
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Post by bassethound on Aug 7, 2005 21:20:27 GMT 1
my thoughts would be that the day he stopped talking about her was the day the affair started, he wouldnt harp on about her while he was having the affair. sorry but i wouldnt trust him as far as i could throw him. answer one question will you trust him again??
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Post by reg but anon on Aug 7, 2005 21:25:27 GMT 1
I don't know.
The e-mail was still there because he had forgotten to erase it, obviously he'd wiped everything else. I can't believe he has been so deceitful. He is just not the type, he's quite shy and quiet, he worked with her for years before anything happened, then as soon as it did said that he couldn't go through with it. He said he thought he was in love with her and they had a lot in common and obviously spent all day together.
I don't really know quite what to make of it all, to be perfectly honest I just wish I'd never found out. I am so hurt.
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bassethound
Intermediate Poster
basset lover
Posts: 216
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Post by bassethound on Aug 7, 2005 21:28:19 GMT 1
id rather know than never find out.
i wish you all the luck with this remember what ive posted is just my oppinion, if my hubby did it he'd be out the door
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Post by reg but anon on Aug 7, 2005 21:33:17 GMT 1
Last week I would have said exactly the same as you, it's funny how different it is when it actually happens. Thanks for replying, you are very kind (and I love your basset hound).
If only men were as faithful as dogs.
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Post by misty on Aug 7, 2005 22:10:20 GMT 1
It is all very well for other to say 'end it all now'. Just think of the practicalities, especially where children are involved. Don't do anything in hast, bide your time. It will take the time it takes to heal and probably never will 100%. But do things on YOUR terms not his or hers. Don't throw away what may be a good marriage for the sake of of his mistake, your mistake could be if you end it. Nobody can know exactly how you are feeling, even if their own o/h is a serial womaniser but don't make your mind up in haste, give it time even if you do throw him out eventually, it will be your choice.
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Post by jessfinnsmurf on Aug 7, 2005 22:47:23 GMT 1
sorry but you ned to have a good think about it it will come back to that every time you have an argument you will resent him which is a normal feeling and no you probably won't be able to trust him again especially on the pc if he loved you he wouldn't do it in the first place would he i know you probably won't leave, i didnt and its still hard 2 yrs on very hard i make him feel guilty all the time make him do everything for me because i feel he owes me do what you think is best but prepare yourself for how you will feel and anoption for you to able to walk out and be ok i wish you the best of luck x x
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bj
Elementary Poster
Oldie but goodie.
Posts: 63
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Post by bj on Aug 8, 2005 0:03:13 GMT 1
:)If the situation was reversed and it was you that had been caught out, what would your husband do? Would he love you enough to forgive you? If he would then he's probably worth hanging on to!!! You'll never forget what's happened but the hurt will fade and if you love him surely he deserves a chance. Good luck.
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LynnG
Advanced Poster
Posts: 340
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Post by LynnG on Aug 8, 2005 7:24:33 GMT 1
My heart goes out to you..what an awful thing to happen and how sad and hurt you must be feeling. But..dont act in haste..take some time out and allow yourself to think things through before coming to any decisions. Yes you will find it hard to trust him..forgive him etc..but would you find it easy to just be without him? He has hurt you with this but it may well be a one off.. a mistake..at the end of the day we are all only human and temptation can be hard to resist sometimes. Not much consolation for you I know..but I do urge you to sit and talk with him and really really think about what you want from both this realtionship and life before you decide anything. I wish you all the best in whatever you decide..take care. HUGS
LynnG x
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blue
Novice Poster
Posts: 5
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Post by blue on Aug 8, 2005 8:43:09 GMT 1
Thanks everyone for your replies. Jess, I know just what you are saying as I have made him wait on me hand and foot all weekend, and when he snapped at our daughter when she interrupted one of our discussions for a second time I wanted to kill him, it's as if he now has to be perfect in every other way because he has done this.
BJ I think he would forgive me if I'd not slept with the other person, which he says he hasn't. Whether he has or not (says he hasn't, it was just 3 lunchtime meetings and they both decided that adultery wasn't something they could do - she is married also) it is the fact that I read 'I love you' on the e-mail that really hurts me.
I did tell him to go at first, but don't want to make any hasty decisions, and he has been a good husband apart from this, kind and generous. Also we have children, one who is still in junior school.
Jess, what happened in your case, do you still resent him so much even after two years - that doesn't bode well for me.
Thank you all for your kind thoughts and hugs, and thank you Kelly and IH for still allowing people to tell humiliating things and be anonymous.
I still feel very confused about how I feel about it, sometimes I even feel sorry for him, sometimes I want to throttle him. Is there any way forward?
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Whisper
Elementary Poster
Posts: 54
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Post by Whisper on Aug 8, 2005 9:44:33 GMT 1
I really feel for you, i also found out something bad about my OH last week (he hadnt slept with anyone but what he did hurt me so much) and my first reaction was to leave, which i did, over the following couple of days when i calmed down and thought about it, i decided it wasnt worth throwing 10years away. Its very difficult and i have told him to expect me to bring it up, although i will try not to but it has brought us closer together again. Once the hurt has subsided alittle for you, you will be able to think rationally again, good luck with what you decide.
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Post by anon for on Aug 8, 2005 10:42:23 GMT 1
All I would say is sometimes these things happen and you don't mean them too and I'm sure he still loves you. I would be inclined to believe him when he says they didnt sleep together. We end up married for a long time and sometimes however good things are you do get feelings for someone else and if they are returned you can get carried away with it without meaning to hurt anyone. Sometimes it can be because things have gone a bit stale between you too, you both need to look at the situation and work at it. Don't throw away everything if it was just something that happened and everything esle is good.
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vbm
Advanced Poster
Feel the devil inside you.
Posts: 278
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Post by vbm on Aug 11, 2005 14:52:06 GMT 1
ow come on! one minor deviation in 17 years isnt any big deal! In fact its pretty dam good! Men are 'designed' to spread our seed so we cant really help being tempted. and he didnt even sleep with her! youre making a bigger deal out of it than is necessary. Sure let him know your not happy but just let it lie. Unless of course you want to destroy your marriage, (and it will be you not him). Just make sure he has no reason to be tempted elseware.
Put it this way, do you expect 100% perfect behaviour from your horse all the time? For 17 years ? If you got one incident of 'bad' behaviour would you get rid of the horse? would you hold it against him? No, you would just address the problem and make sure it didnt happen again.... same thing.
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