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Post by Diane with Buster on Aug 16, 2005 12:30:20 GMT 1
Having read all this thread I just thought I would say that I too have been through this twice. The first time 18 years ago I was happily married and had a son age4. I had just found out that I was pregnant with my lovely daughter when husband upped and left saying he was going to the cashpoint and never returned. I divorced him when it became apparent that I had been traded in for a younger female. Times were very hard and I have brought the kids up alone and they are now 21 and 17. 12 years ago I met and fell in love with someone else and life was great up until 2 years ago when he told me he had met someone, but said he wanted me-we didnt live together but saw each other a lot. I gave him a second chance but i never really forgave him and he went on to carry this affair on for almost a year. I finally kicked him into touch earlier this year and recently met a really lovely kind caring man who was definately worth waiting for. He makes me feel wonderful and life is great again. We have to get on with what life throws at us and although its hard , its makes us so much stronger. Good luck to OP and also Debbie and your new baby. I did it with two kids and I am sure you will be fine, just allow yourself time to get over the whole range of emotions you will be gooing through.
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Post by Another bloke on Aug 16, 2005 13:27:50 GMT 1
Re. telling her ILY, he probably thought he meant it at the time rather than it really being true. Infatuation makes you do stupid things, but you don't realise how stupid they are until you wake up from it. He probably did lose his marbles for a little while.
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vbm
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Feel the devil inside you.
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Post by vbm on Aug 16, 2005 14:13:48 GMT 1
Moose:- Er that’s just my point! …. Love you! Xx
Why do so many women ruin perfectly good relationships by becoming “suspicious wrecks” … (IME, ahem!…)
Btw that’s just your husbands point of view, if you were unfaithful to me I’d ask you ‘why?’ and see if I could do something about it (then I’d kill the bastard myself!). but your answer illustrates very well one of my points I.e women find it easiest to blame the unfaithful man and think no further…
Op: - careful with emi’s advice there, If I had strayed (bearign in mind that to do so would mean that there was something wrong with my relationship in the first place) someone trying to make me grovel to much might just put the icing on the cake and I’d be out the door whether you wanted me to go or not… You are either going to forgive him or not if you do, don’t torture him and yourself, because it will only wreck the relationship. Forgive and move on and make your relationship so good he will never feel the need to stray again.
Another bloke guest:- That’s probably the most pathetic excuse I’ve ever heard. I can see you snivelling away at it even as you type. Must try harder dear boy! Must try harder!
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Post by Dolly on Aug 16, 2005 14:35:26 GMT 1
For what it's worth, I'm kinda with VBM. I'm female, had an affair and to this day I never forget to be thankful that my OH forgave me and has been big enough to move on from it. He's never brought it up again, he doesn't check my mobile or vet my emails which I feel is a sign of true forgiveness. I consider him someone to admire and respect and we worked out what went wrong - and whilst my actions in having an affair were awful it did transpire that we both had something to do with getting to that point. My choice of action to deal with those things going wrong was the worst choice I've ever made. 5 years after the affair, he's proposed and I'm thrilled to bits and can't wait marry this person.
I don't believe you should be turned into a suspicious wreck - you are in control of your own feelings and can choose not to be suspicious. You have to fully forgive to do this and I guess that's the most difficult part. If you constantly demand perfect behaviour from your partner, they will fail (only human and all that) and you then get what you are *really* looking for - proof that you can't trust them. It becomes a spiral to ending the relationship anyway. Forgive, but do it properly.
Good luck in what ever happens next.
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torey
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Post by torey on Aug 16, 2005 14:41:10 GMT 1
At the end of the day only you can decide if he is worth staying for or not. I agree that probably the fact he said he loved her is more hurtful than being physically unfaithful but he says it is over. You have to either decide to talk it over and then move on or move on without him. If you do decide to stick it out you have to make sure you can get past bringing it up in every argument.
Maybe he left that one email because he wanted you to find it and realise that everything wasn't as good as you thought it was?
who knows why men do these things to us when you think about it all it is so easy to realise we are emotionally stronger than men so whatever you decide you will get through it!! Good luck!
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moose
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Post by moose on Aug 16, 2005 15:20:47 GMT 1
your answer illustrates very well one of my points I.e women find it easiest to blame the unfaithful man and think no further… Hi VBM How far was he thinking when he said his marriage vows? When he typed the email in question? Love Moose x
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another bloke again
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Post by another bloke again on Aug 16, 2005 15:56:25 GMT 1
not an excuse vbm, did I say that?
who hasnt done things that didn't feel wrong at the time but where when looked at in the cold light of day? you got plenty of first hand experience of the subject then?
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vbm
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Feel the devil inside you.
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Post by vbm on Aug 17, 2005 17:28:12 GMT 1
Dolly:- Good on your girl! (and well put) you have my admiration. best of british to ytou and your Beau.
Moose:- You argue like a woman. By that I mean you refuse to hear another persons point of view and consistantly bring irrelevances into it. You will never allow yourself to understand what I am saying...
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tf
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Post by tf on Aug 18, 2005 9:31:43 GMT 1
My husband has always promised to shoot ME if I ever went with some one else and I think he would too! If it was me,I would feel that I had definitely done something wrong or he wouldn't have wanted to find someone else..after I had my first baby I had post natal depression and was a real mess,he did say he would find someone else then..so I was warned!!..he didn't tho',thank god and I sorted myself out luckily with help...Good luck OP it sounds like you are going to make a go of things..
Hope Debbie's ok.
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Post by gem on Aug 18, 2005 11:31:02 GMT 1
Deb, Ill email you you mustn't go through all this on your own.
OP I think that you need to know why he was tempted, what are the underlying problems in your relationship, if you fix those there is less chance of him straying.
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Post by misspriss on Aug 18, 2005 12:27:08 GMT 1
tf, your OH sounds like a real delight. PND is very serious. I'm glad you got it all together now. I'm sorry you had to go through it at all. Deb, I wish I could do something to help, if sympathy helps you have it from me by the bucketful.
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lovelylace
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Post by lovelylace on Aug 18, 2005 13:37:40 GMT 1
hmm...agree that it might have been something wrong in the relationship for him to start straying...but it is hurtful never the less... I have to say though that i have done the straying myself...and thought that that someone would give me something I missed, however very often thats not the case...same meat different gravy...and if you have a best friend as your partner that is worth more than most have, even though temptation sometimes is hard to resist.. I alos think the I love you, is a bit wishy washy...if i had a pound for all the times i been told that, i could go out and buy my dressage andalusian tomorrow..unfortunatly I havent and the words meant very little... he sounds like a good man so forgive and forget
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vbm
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Feel the devil inside you.
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Post by vbm on Aug 18, 2005 13:53:13 GMT 1
have I ever told you how much I love you?
(BTW I also love my 'big boys' {osses} my little boys. {cats}, my push bikes, my mobikes, .... and my Mum!
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lovelylace
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Always remember to ride with your soul, not your hands.
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Post by lovelylace on Aug 18, 2005 13:56:43 GMT 1
mmm, vbm I love you too...(looking up with devotion in my eyes) easier said than done i suppose... not looking up with devotion in my eyes at vbm I hasten to add...that of course comes veery easy :-)
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lovelylace
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Always remember to ride with your soul, not your hands.
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Post by lovelylace on Aug 18, 2005 13:57:21 GMT 1
you love your push bikes...hmmm ??
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