vbm
Advanced Poster
Feel the devil inside you.
Posts: 278
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Post by vbm on Aug 14, 2005 19:13:03 GMT 1
Now now don’t go putting words in my mouth! Sure betrayal is a big deal and op is perfectly right to feel hurt and betrayed but You have to counter balance that against the 17 years of good relationship!
Of course wedding vows mean something (I’m not saying they don’t) but a marriage takes some working at. Can you op honestly say that in 17 years you have never done anything that might hurt your husband or anything that he doesn’t know about? If so you’re a better person than 99.9% of us mere mortals…
Cameo:- xx I know an orse is different to a man! I’m just trying to offer an alternative and preferable IMO to the ‘wimmins’ cry of “leave the bastard” slant on how op should approach the situation And of course its just as likely that ladies stray as much as blokes. And yes actually I believe that whichever sex strays the partner must look closely and honestly at why and they probably have to take some responsibility for it (I know this has been the case when ever it has happened to me painful as it may be). If they had provided everything the other needs their partner would not stray…it is that simple! (of course there may be many reasons why the partner cannot provide all that is required…)
Stella:- I blow on your embers my little nymph!
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Post by Blonde No 1 on Aug 14, 2005 19:29:38 GMT 1
Oh dear me, vbm, and you wondered why you were solitary and single ? Telling someone other than your partner you love them is as big, if not bigger, a betrayal to some people as sex. The offending partner can't say it didn't mean anything, can they ... It's up to the op whether she wants to leave the guy or give him another chance. Personally, if the previous 17 years were good and there were no other signs of infidelity, I'd make the guy eat humble pie for a while and then forgive him. If there were other signs ... he'd be out the door.
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Post by Cameo on Aug 14, 2005 19:56:23 GMT 1
Op is right to feel hurt - like Blonde said - declaring Love is different to a fling - especially as he is in a relationship for 17 years with children...just upping and going is easy of you are young, "unmarried" and unmortgaged and un-childered...but 17 years is a history with dual commitments that cannot just be walked away from at the drop of a hat - the practicalities just ain't made that way these days... It is going to take some getting over and there is probably some tough talking to do. I guess this will take time. Best wishes, op. vbm - I can see where you are coming from - but I still think a wee bit of tact might be better recieved, and consequently - more useful!!
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blue
Novice Poster
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Post by blue on Aug 14, 2005 21:18:31 GMT 1
Thanks everyone for the kind words and good wishes. My husband does seem very very regretful, and is very upset that I have been hurt, he is genuinely remorseful, which helps. Although I am very unhappy about the 'love' thing, it would feel even worse if it were a full blown sexual affair.
I am hoping that the episode of temporary insanity will never be repeated, as I will not be so forgiving if there is a next time.
However, he likes horses, and is a lovely dad, in every way apart from this he is a keeper. We have been together just over 18 years (married 17) which is a long time to just throw away and start again, so he is getting another chance.
Vbm, of course I am no saint, and of course I have hurt my husband on occasions, I've never done anything like this though.
Debbie, I hope things get better for you, my heart really goes out to you, I really can't imagine how bad you must be feeling. Good luck with the baby, take care.
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sharon
Elementary Poster
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Post by sharon on Aug 15, 2005 7:57:33 GMT 1
Its odd to me that both VBM and OP think the main thing is that they never 'consumated' for want of the more acceptatable? word, to me it would be that he said he loved her not the other!
You must do what you feel OP, but watch him in future! I agree that 17 years of a good relationship cannot be given up on over this.
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blue
Novice Poster
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Post by blue on Aug 15, 2005 9:27:30 GMT 1
Actually, the only way I can get my head round the whole thing is the idea (put forward husband) is that he temporarily lost his marbles. I must have said to him a million times 'What WERE you thinking?!' Maybe it was some sort of mid-life crisis or something.
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blue
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Post by blue on Aug 15, 2005 9:29:10 GMT 1
there should be a 'by' between forward and husband, sorry.
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vbm
Advanced Poster
Feel the devil inside you.
Posts: 278
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Post by vbm on Aug 15, 2005 13:06:38 GMT 1
Blond no 1 guest:- I love you. lol? I've never wondered why I'm single, I know very well why.
Cameo : - I love you! Often people are too tactful and say what they think op wants to hear rather than the truth. Presumably op has posted because she wanta a range of honest and trythful opinions I dont know maybe she just wants sympathy ? if so OP you have my sympathy... (does that help) I assume people post questions on such a forum because they want the truth, if they wanted it wrapping up in cotton wool they would choose an alternative media. OP perhaps you could advise us? No one is saying she has to listen to my opinion.
op :- So have you ever done anything your husband does would be hurt by but does not know? btw I love you...
Sharon: - have you any idea how much I love you?
op;- Tell him how upset you are, tell him if it is ever repeated you will have his guts for garters, tell him that you will never forget it bu tbecause you value your relationship so much you are prepared to put it behind you... and do so. ps I love you.
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moose
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Post by moose on Aug 15, 2005 13:50:48 GMT 1
Is it just me or does anyone else think that its more hurtful that your husband would tell someone that he loves them (and mean it VBM) than just have a casual shag? Very easy to say don't throw away 17 years. BUT, I personally wouldn't want to spend another 17 years wondering if hubby was where he said he was etc and becoming a suspicious wreck who checked phone bills, bank statements, emails.........................................
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jenna
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Post by jenna on Aug 15, 2005 13:56:13 GMT 1
I agree with you Moose. I think that this is where men and women differ. To a man, the betrayal is more significant if a shag is involved. To a woman, the words spoken can hurt much more.
I also think that the point here is not whether what he did was acceptable, but how the OP feels about it!
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moose
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Post by moose on Aug 15, 2005 14:02:15 GMT 1
I asked my OH what he would do if I was unfaithful and he replied 'Hire a hit man and kill the ba**ard'. When he asked me what I'd do if he was unfaithful I said 'Kill you of course'. I think that sums up the difference between men and women (broadly speaking of course)!
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dianne
Advanced Poster
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Post by dianne on Aug 15, 2005 14:23:12 GMT 1
Oh poor you, :'(I'm sorry I haven't read all of the replies, but I'd just like to say how sorry I am to hear this. It's going to take it's toll on you, and is a huge blow for you to have to pick yourself up from. It will no doubt take a long time. Good luck for the future, and look after yourself
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emi
Grand Prix Poster
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Post by emi on Aug 15, 2005 19:21:04 GMT 1
*hugs to OP* i think whether you stay together or not depends on the relationship you have had over the pas 17 years. if you've been able to trust him through thick and thin apart from this one thing, and truly love your husband then i'd hesitate before ending what could have been a life long relationship. if you decide to forgive him, don't let him get away easily, make him grovel at your feet first
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milo
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milo, lily, bob,henry and monty
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Post by milo on Aug 15, 2005 20:00:47 GMT 1
cant imagine what youre going through but i always said id cut his c**k off and pickle it if he ever strayed but id probably forgive him,once
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blue
Novice Poster
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Post by blue on Aug 15, 2005 20:03:21 GMT 1
I think the main reason I posted is that it's not something I want to tell my nearest and dearest, but I wanted to tell someone. The sympathy was nice though, thanks guys.
It is impossible to know how you would feel until it actually happens, I thought I'd be a screaming banshee but was actually quite calm. It is better for me that they didn't get down and dirty, and actions do speak louder than words - he obviously didn't love her (the idiot) or he would be with her now instead of eating humble pie at home.
I'm happy with my decision to forgive him, but still angry with him for being so deceiptful, the git. With hindsight I really should have seen this happening, they were getting far too friendly, I was too trusting really.
VBM, I can't think of anything horrible I have done behind his back, but plenty to his face!
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