Why can't I slay my jumping demons?

[cesca]

Hi all, first I'd like to say what a marvellous idea for a section this is. Not really come in here yet because I don't sort of consider myself a rider with any confidence issues any more. But I think I've had my head in the sand!

I feel like absolute sh|t today and it's so so stupid. Basically jumping is just a monster in my life and I'm feeding it and it's getting bigger. I have had my boy from a youngster (4) and taught him to jump myself (with the help of an ex). We were going great guns and I was so so proud of him, but then we had saddle trouble and he started to run out, hesitate, stop, and all sorts of stuff. Nothing dramatic and no bad falls - no falls at all in fact - but enough for us to both really stop enjoying it.

That was over two years ago now, and last year I realised my jumping confidence was shot (I just hadn't jumped since the year before and had no intention of doing). So I started again, and we did really well - even won the first class we entered! Yeah it was only 2 foot and yeah hardly anyone turned up cos the weather was so bad - but we were the only ones with a double clear. By the end of last season we jumped clear in the pairs at a 2ft 6 hunter trial, which I was dead chuffed with.

Thing is yesterday I went on a fun ride, and had a fantastic time. But today I am undeniably down because I didn't jump enough or big enough.

I can't even work myself out, why I feel so bad about it. But I feel close to tears every time I think about it.

In two weeks' time I am going to enter my first hunter trial on my own, 2ft 6 again. It will scare me sh|tless but I am going to do it because I know we can - and also the only time I seem to stop fannying about is when I put myself in a competition. I rang my instructor yesterday and have booked two jumping lessons between now and then - the second one the day before.

Not even sure what I want anyone to say, haven't even given very good information here. But I suppose, just does anyone get what I mean about beating yourself up about not pushing yourself? I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I look at the jumps they scare me, I'm always looking at them and trying to guess, how high is it, how wide is it, can we do that big? And yet I know other times I'm not bothered and I'll sail over everything.

And my poor horse has to endure all this flippin stupid emotion. The last thing he needs is me making a big deal out of this and putting pressure on him.

Man I'm fed up! Any ideas would be so gratefully appreciated. It might help just to talk a bit about it on here.

[kya]

Hi Cesca. In total awe of your achievements believe me. I would be thrilled to have that bravery believe me, and haven't jumped for yeaaaaaaars!! What's your instructor like? Have you levelled with them about your feelings? I would suggest the Confidence CDs from Confident Rider (www.confident-rider.co.uk) that can be downloaded in MP3 form. Fairly sure they have a jumping or cross country version available. Wonder what's at the root of your feelings. Are you simply pushing yourself too hard?

[cesca]

Hi there Kanga, many thanks for the response. Well thanks for the compliment, I don't feel very brave today, I feel silly. I am surrounded by photographs of me and my boy jumping all sorts of XC jumps (there are 6 I can see sat here! Yes I go a bit over the top on the me and my boy photos), so I know we can do it and have had plenty of practice - so why am I still not confident and, hand on heart, not enjoying it?

My instructor is brilliant, in fact she had the nasty task of getting me going again, and I hope she can take me the rest of the way. Last year she spent two and a half hours on the xc course at our yard with me in the pouring rain while I cried, shouted, argued, screamed, and eventually jumped. So yes she knows all about my bizarre confidence issues and does give me loads of confidence - if she believes we can do it then so do I.

I think what is getting me is, yes I'm doing it - so why is my fear not lessening? I think also (well I know) that I think my position is dreadful these days, I am all wrong and feel it. My nerves are causing tension in my hands and so I'm not "free" with him when he jumps. Hence my booking two lessons to try and attack what I'm doing wrong.

I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, half of me thinks "oh s0d it you don't have to jump, just leave it" but then the other half knows I/we are perfectly capable and it would be so silly to stop now! Am I expecting too big results too quickly? I feel so bad for my boy cos he will know all this is getting to me and probably think he's doing something wrong when he's not, he's doing brilliantly.

I don't even know what I'm flipping scared of either! I am a mess.

Thanks for the tip about the CDs - I will have a look now. Erm how do they work though - do they just tell you positive things or something? Is it different from reading a book?

Ta everso such a beautiful day and I just feel pants inside. what a fool!

[Hannah]

Are you pushing yourself too much? I sometimes put too much pressure on myself and that can be detrimental.
Good idea having some lessons before the hunter trial As you walk the course, visualise yourself approaching, taking off and riding away from the fence in perfect rhythm and harmony. The mind is a powerful thing as you know I often go and walk the course with clients, give tips on approaches, talk them through any bits they think might cause trouble, would your instructor do the same?

I also have done pairs with nervous clients, some people's worst nightmare, going round with your instructor, but I can help them as they go along and encourage them to breathe!

Would it be worth going xc schooling before too? That way you can jump the small ones, and if you feel happy with those, you might decide to try the next size up

[kya]

I bought the hacking CD, and it had a relaxation element, followed by a sort of imaginery ride. Felt a bit thick the first time I listened to it, but found it strangely addictive, and it really did help me find a centre of calm. Are you sure it's the riding? Are there other things in your life projecting into your riding and manifesting as nerves? I think Hannah has so many good things to say. Step back. What if you did nothing but training classes and schooling over fences? The world would not stop turning. Something must be tripping you up and causing this cascade of fear. What about trying some Alexander technique to centre your seat?

[cesca]

Thanks guys, am crying here because I just don't know what's doing it, I just don't know, and it's driving me up the flipping wall. I don't know what I'm scared of and I don't know if it's other stress coming back to get me, you could well be right there.

I suppose the only things I can do is list what I do know around this subject:

My horse:

He's green - he tends to take off in the direction of a fence, then back off a few strides away. He gets right under fences and climbs them and rarely stands off. When he does stand off I end up getting left behind because I'm not expecting it

He's very strong - and forward going, and often when I'm trying to do XC he'll run out at something and it takes me so flipping long to pull him up/turn him that sometimes I just can't be bothered going all the way back (or am I using it as an excuse?)

He's a draught x - and much as I hate myself for it, I can't help hearing all those people who say heavies can't jump. He has an enormous shoulder and short legs and I think I may be harbouring doubts that he's actually athletic enough to jump anything at all. My instructor got us jumping 3ft 3 last year (I can barely believe that happened now but have the photo to prove it) to try and tackle this (i.e. if he can jump a 3ft 3 showjump, he's not going to fall at a 2ft 6/2ft 9 xc jump)

Me:

Out of practice - I used to jump a lot and competed until I was 17. Had a massive break then got my horse at 31. I used to be good! It bugs me that it all seems to have vanished

Too aware of what others think - I care far too much about what other liveries think of me. I get patronised and belittled OR I can think that's what's happening when it's probably not, and people are just trying to help

Don't mind showumps - as much. Not sure as I've not had the chance to do much showjumping this year. But XC totally freaks me out

Tense - all this rotten tenseness is coming into my riding when I introduce jumping and I don't know why. Something to do with some or all of the above

Everything else - well I do have a very stressful job and also live on my own so noone else to help out with things or for me to let off steam to/chew things over with, maybe I am just carrying everything around...

Sometimes when I am in the right frame of mind I can be really good - and I think whoo I've cracked it! But it doesn't seem to last, I seem to take one step forward and two back

Too hard on myself - this time last year I wouldn't jump anything. Why can't I feel it's an achievement I jumped anything at all yesterday? And I did do quite a bit of jumping. But the whole thing just left me feeling negative and down and it's such a terrible shame, it was a brilliant day

Sorry to babble on on here but I'm just hoping it will help. Kanga am going to download the Cross Country with Confidence one and give it a go xxx

[kya]

''Too aware of what others think - I care far too much about what other liveries think of me. I get patronised and belittled OR I can think that's what's happening when it's probably not, and people are just trying to help''............. For so many reasons (and I suffer from this myself) you must give this up or be doomed to misery. You cannot EVER please these sort of people. They don't want you to succeed or be too good in your riding. Surrender the idea completely. My husband often says to me 'all that matters is us', and I know now that he means... all that matters is what we and a few close friends think. The rest of them can rot.

'Everything else - well I do have a very stressful job and also live on my own so noone else to help out with things or for me to let off steam to/chew things over with, maybe I am just carrying everything around...' You're not giving yourself enough credit. That is tough. Use this DG and your real friends to chew things over with. I am a loner, married as I am, and ride alone and spend 99% of my time alone, so I know what that means. I have to push myself to get the helpl I need. Indendance can be a real curse. That's what I meant.... stressful job- you could be carrying this with you into your pleasure hours. Can you improve that situation or treat yourself to non-stressful activities like swimming, an occasional massage, non-horsey fun.... it is allowed!

'Sometimes when I am in the right frame of mind I can be really good - and I think whoo I've cracked it! But it doesn't seem to last, I seem to take one step forward and two back'.... I got to that point in a problem in my life and went to a life counseller (a riding nun would you believe!). Sometimes if the pattern keeps repeating, you might need help to get out of this cycle and move forward.

In your 30s... self-preservation sets in. It's inevitable and will probably keep you alive. I know, I know, don't want it kicked into over-drive.

Finally.... and I know you don't want to hear this.... is this the horse for you?? Could the reality that your horse is not suited to you be haunting your riding? You can't ride your way out of every problem. Do you like him? Are you secretly comparing him to flashier horses? Remember Jungle Bunny... 14.2 with a rider with legs trailing on the ground.... jumped the moon in International horse classes. Who are these people giving you unasked for appraisals of your horse's potential- how rude! He does sound like hard work for whatever reason. Try riding someone else's horse around a course to see how you feel afterward.

Incidentally... babbling on is exactly what this DG is for. It's great to have a non-judgemental unload here and everyone is very supportive in my experience. I confide way more here than I would to my fearless equestrian buddies. All the best. Kanga.

I have a Stubben saddle cloth, a stunning (second hand) GFS saddle, a whisper soft sheepskin seat-saver, and a beautiful young horse. I put it all together the other day, climbed on my mounting chair and fell off it backwards. Welcome to my world of putting on a show! You are the person, galloping past me on the ground at an event that makes me feel like a total pratt. Remember this!

[cesca]

Thanks again Kanga. Hehe I remember your thread about wanting to dodge your riding buddy and that is soooo me! I am an only child and yes, totally, independent - too independent.

I do fear I'm not good enough for my horse. I don't believe I lust after anything "flashier" as my boy is about as flashy as they get, he is a stunner I have got him through some real problems and he is the love of my life and the child of my heart. I would love the opportunity to ride something that is an experienced jumper though, and really get my "feel" back. I haven't had the opportunity though - and if I got it, my confidence is probably too shot to take it up.

I hope I am capable of getting him through this - it's our last hurdle (well tell a lie, striking off on the left leg in canter will be the last, curse it). I will not give up before my instructor has had a real go with me.

Another thing I forgot - his problems were really just one problem - he was a bolter. Potentially I am holding back on the approach to the jump for fear of being run away with again. Just seen the photos from yesterday - not bad, hands still "tight" though. Also feel jealous seeing photo of my friend jumping an enormous log with style. That's another thing - feeling resentful of my friend for not having these issues. What a cow! (Me, not her!)

Very interesting about the life counsellor - I emailed one before, and had some really promising conversations with her - but when I emailed to say yes, let's do it, she never replied Your riding nun sounds soooo cooool!

What is a mounting chair??

Thanks so much for your support today, has been a rotten day all round really. Am having some reiki tonight (much needed) and an early night. Tomorrow after work I may pull on my body protector and venture down to the xc course...maybe declaring it on here, in the way I've seen you do, might help. Maybe I feel alone and isolated in my endeavours, I don't know. Maybe I'd be more likely to see it through if I put it on here...

[kya]

Er... a chair I use for mounting.... well, that was the theory! Bolting... thats a hell of a thing to have overcome. I'm amazed.

[kpick]

Start from the very beginning - a line of poles on the ground, or even just one. Do NOT move up until you are completely 100% confident. Make a very small cross pole, and again, do NOT move up until you are happy with it. Personally, i'd call it a day over the first crosspole.
Next day, start again. Poles on the floor. Build up to the cross pole as before, again until you are completely happy. Build up in this way, but dont forget to always end on a good note, otherwise you do your confidence no good at all.

And lastly, don't feel pressured that you MUST do something on day 2, or MUST do something else on day 4. Take it easy, and put your confidence before arrogance. Don't worry what people think of you, Who Cares afterall?

Good Luck!

[wildrover]

Jeeeze Cesca .... ease up girl. Enjoy enjoy enjoy ........ thats what having a horse is about. Kpick has got it right. Do little and often ........ too many questions to yourself. There is not always answers to the "Why?" question ........ what matters why?

[cesca]

Thanks guys, and yes WR I think that's a point I've started to miss lately...I think I see judgement in a friend's eyes and I doubt it's really there, and I'm seeing myself reflected back as I'm imagining she sees me, and I'm seeing a floundering fool. (If that sentence makes sense to anyone I'll make them dinner.)

Some of it may be down to my friend always saying to me "2ft 6 is NOTHING", and scolding me for EVER expressing any fear. I have found myself defending my fear, saying it's ok for me to be scared - what's not ok is for me to let that fear get the better of me. But I must say it makes me furious when I think of her comments. And I think she's trying to be helpful! But it makes me feel so rubbish when she says things like that.

Thanks kpick you are right, looks from your 'photos like you have no problems whatsoever with jumping, I am envious and should definitely heed any advice you have to give! The trouble with poles on the ground etc. etc. is I have noone to help me, plus the arenas are busy and the jumps are stored quite a way away from them. BUT I catch your drift - I think one of my issues is I get us going and then I drop it, then expect us to pick up where we left off. And so, I think I'm going to try and do as you suggest, but do it by pootling over the smaller jumps in the xc fields. Noone to watch us, no pressure - and also good practice for stopping/keeping control.

As soon as I think about going down there I feel scared - but what I'm scared of is me looking around and saying to myself "I should jump that one" and "I should jump that one" and then perhaps having a go at a biggish one, and running out cos I'm not 100%, then coming back to the yard feeling like sh|t, not thinking about the ones we DID do. Maybe, if I go down there with the intention of ONLY jumping the real weenies, and go down there frequently, and maybe, just maybe, get bigger over time, but only MAYBE, NO PRESSURE...maybe then I will remember to actually have FUN over these jumps and not concentrate on the one over there I feel (for whatever reason - you are so right wr, who made these rules I feel I'm not sticking to?) I SHOULD be doing. There is no SHOULD. If we want to wang over a 1ft log all bl00dy night, who says we can't?

I always think, it's not the ones flying over 3ft jumps in the top classes who are the brave ones - it's those of us struggling over the little jumps in the bottom classes who are really being brave. Cos it's SUCH a bigger deal to us.

<Sigh> exhausting day! Kanga thank you, at least I had a giggle over the thought of you toppling off your chair - not sure how you managed it but I hope it didn't hurt, and thank you for sharing it and cheering up a misery today!!!

[kya]

One last thought.... try to get off your worries and think of it as schooling for your horse. Unemotional, business as usual schooling.

[wozzer]

Nothing much to add except what fab, supportive replies from, Kanga, as always!

I am a total wuss jumping these days, but blame my age and the fact that my first horse was a nightmare to jump - my very experienced friend took him round a cross country course I had also done once and her response to me was "sell him"

Good luck cesca, but echo WR. We're supposed to be having fun, and I wish I could shoot all those blinkin' know it alls who have an opinion and so who "damage" the confidence of others around them.

Just enjoy your horse. Get the lessons if you you want to and don't do anything you don't want to. Your horse won't mind either way.

Are you angry at yourself for some reason, you seem to be giving yourself a really hard time over this, hun.

PS: I am also very impressed by you doing a round of 2ft or more jumps. I wouldn't dare, unfortunately. xx

[kpick]

Funny you say that, and you are wrong, actually. Sometimes, my confidence goes all over the place. 2 Years ago my horse landed on the back bar of a triple very hard, so i retired him, saved him for another day, He was 16 nearing 17 by then, so i had other things rather then will to win in my mind.
Since then, i have the worst worst worst fear of jumping triple bars. No problems at shows, as long as i dont let myself get all worked up about it, but at home, no can do. I NEVER practice jumping them at home, because i have an awful habit of saying No, 3 strides out and pulling my horse up. I gathered, if i was to do this, best thing was to not bother trying, i KNOW i can do this at a show, i shouldnt get myself so worked up about it. Once i'd pulled up first time, that...was that. You would not see me over that jump again, especially the rest of the week anyway, and i made my problems worse. And just to let you know, it took me nearly a year and a half to turn myself around and to finally get back to where i was before.

So, i did this exercise, as I mentioned up there. I too dont tend to have anyone to help, so i kept hopping off, and hopping on again. At the time, i felt i was the stupidest idiot for having to take 'such measures' but looking back, its the best thing ive ever done, for myself, my horse, and my confidence.

Since I took this turn, and said to myself 'Dont work myself up, dont flounce about and it will be ok on the day', then yes, you are right. I enjoy my jumping, sometimes i do measure things up and wonder how big a certain thing is, panic on approaches but im only human. I like to think myself as a confident rider, but everyone has a fear somewhere inside, even if they dont show it.

I'm also very lucky because I know im riding a horse who if i panic, i can kick and close my eyes, and 98% of the time land safely on the other side. Once I remembered i was riding a willing enough horse to help me through my panics and tough times, I have now taught myself to keep riding for a stride, dont let my mind win over, not to pull up, and to just keep going.



And for future reference, I kept making myself cry too. I wound myself up to the extreame, and would just sob about it. Dont worry, keep your chin up, and enjoy your horse.