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Post by wildrover on Apr 2, 2007 22:30:17 GMT 1
Thanks guys, and yes WR I think that's a point I've started to miss lately...I think I see judgement in a friend's eyes and I doubt it's really there, and I'm seeing myself reflected back as I'm imagining she sees me, and I'm seeing a floundering fool. (If that sentence makes sense to anyone I'll make them dinner.) I understood that sentence **PERFECTLY**. Now .. eh ...... on the old dinner thingy .... what time would be a good mmmm As for this ... 'What will they think' So lets think about this one ..... I'm riding .... a number of people are looking ..... they may be thinking hes useless .... they may be thinking hes worse than useless ..... So why should that bother me so much? Cos ... I dont want to look a fool ... I dont want to let people see I'm really at a lower level than them .... I dont want them talking to their mates about me ........ Are these valid reasons?? Are these good enough reasons for me to stop what I'm doing with my hoss even though I enjoy it. The hobby costs me thousands per year but I'm not going to do it cos they are looking at me. What should I do ..... Action: I do what I want with my hoss in my time. It is my hobby and it is what I like to do and want to do. I dont have to please anybody and I dont have to meet anybodys expectations - I do as I please. Risk: They wont like me, they will laugh, they will snigger this and that amonst themselves. Is the action worth the risk?
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Post by kya on Apr 3, 2007 8:36:06 GMT 1
Well said... Wr.... it's such a hard lesson to learn in life. When I look back at the people I took notice of, I want to kick myself! They are reacting to things about your riding that they are insecure about themselves- it has little if anything to do with you.
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Post by wendyihts on Apr 3, 2007 8:47:29 GMT 1
They are reacting to things about your riding that they are insecure about themselves- it has little if anything to do with you. This is absolutely true. If you even want the psychological term for it (to prove it's a real thing ;D ) it's called perceptual bias. We notice the things in others that we see in ourselves - bit like once we get a new car suddenly we see all the other models of that car out on the road. We notice other people's heels are up probably because our instructors yelled at us for YEARS to PUT THOSE RUDDY HEELS DOWN. The other thing about perceptual bias is that it over-emphasises the things that are relevant to you (like the heels because those were the things you used to get shouted at for) and under-estimates the things that aren't relevant to you (because no one ever picked on you for looking down). Then, if you're not feeling good about yourself, you can end up using other people's faults as a spring board for your own self-esteem. So you see, all those judgements from other people are really information about how they feel inside and what they fear. Nothing more, just information about them as people, not about you.
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Post by kya on Apr 3, 2007 20:45:43 GMT 1
That's really interesting Wendy. I don't like to hear myself critisising anyone, not that I don't do it, but it leaves a bitter aftertaste. I can see it in myself, the mirror.
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cesca
Novice Poster
Posts: 9
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Post by cesca on Apr 3, 2007 20:54:35 GMT 1
Well what interesting comments and lots of food for thought for me! I think perhaps this anguish I'm putting myself through maybe has little to do with jumping at all...? Well tonight I got kept very late at work, and because I had to go in early this morning I hadn't mucked out. When I got to the yard my lovely friend had got my boy in for me and he was all tucked up ready for bed, and noone else was on the yard. BUT I didn't use any of this as an excuse for wimping out of my plan to go down to the xc course. A cold gale was howling and big lad (who's been SO full of it lately) was on pins and about 19 hands tall. So that added an extra dimension to the challenge. I solidiered on, singing, talking to him, and telling myself that the first time will be the hardest - and that the more he goes down there the more relaxed he'll become. Anyway, jumped 6 different jumps - the biggest about 2ft. I didn't even look at the bigger ones. Big lad also had a few opportunities to tank and didn't take them - so very very pleased with him. And when I got back I realised - I caught myself thinking "oh should I actually have done that one twice?" and "oh darn I forgot to concentrate on my position" and "hmm none of them were very stylish" - so yeah wozzer, I think you are right - why on Earth am I being so flipping hard on myself?? It's like I hate myself!!! What's going on? I would never be that nasty to anyone else, and I would be horrified to see anyone being that hard on anyone else and would immediately leap in to their defence. Anyway I gave myself a talking to and managed to feel pleased about what we'd done. I will go back down there as soon as I can, probably Thursday as I'm escorting a friend out on a hack tomorrow and she wants a steady one so xc fields and jumping are out. My aim is to be able to string these tinies together into a mini course, getting a nice canter going between them, and going "clear". I feel bad cos I've made my boy sound like a bad jumper - he's not at all. He's green but he's so honest, and a real tryer, which is worth so much. He'll run out - but ONLY if I'm feeling wibbly wobbly about a jump. He does also have great natural jumping ability - I've seen it first hand when my ex used to jump him for me. 3ft out of a slow trot = no bother mum. Wendy that is soooooooo interesting. I have never heard of that before, is it true? (Well of course it is, or you wouldn't have posted it.) I am unsure what part my friend has to play in this, but she's something to do with it. She paints herself as a total thrill-seeker, and claims to jump 4ft quite happily. However when I think about it, at the fun ride she didn't go near anything much over 2ft 6, and jumped 2ft 9 absolute max - despite having the opportunity to go higher plenty of times. One time I saw an inviting big jump and said "aren't you jumping that?" and she just didn't reply. I wonder...? I posted on here last year because I was pretty distraught after we'd done our 2ft 6" pairs XC with her - because she kept taking all the credit for it! I'm not saying she definitely is trying to undermine me, in fact I believe she's not - but there's something about her that's exacerbating my feelings, whether that's just in my head or real. kpick - wow, you are my new hero. Please please God that I get through this and get to be even half as good as you. Oh and another booster - a friend that I went on a fun ride with the week before, I was chatting to tonight, telling her about my nerves xc - and she was astonished. She said "but you were straight off jumping on that fun ride first chance you got - and big ones, too. I thought you were really brave!" and I thought, she's right - I did get on and jump some decent sized fences at that one. And thinking about it, I realised that I jumped loads on Sunday - and the reason I'm beating myself up is that I didn't jump every single one, I think. How insane. I am missing the point! So what if he gallops past a row of them, big flipping deal - enjoy the gallop, jump the next ones - it's a FUN ride! Oh man thank Goodness for this site [pauses for breath]...
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Post by kya on Apr 3, 2007 21:05:40 GMT 1
I'd say you need to commit yourself to taking the best out of every ride Cesca. Squash any negative comments that come up after the ride, just find everything positive you can glean from it. Out in wind jumping. What a great pair. Leading other riders who need confidence- what a great giving thing to do. If you want to think kindly of your friend, just imagine this is her coping mechanism, and it's the common one amongst the BHS fraternity, so she can be forgiven. Just don't get tangled up in it. Incidentally as your other pal said.. or meant to say... you ARE really brave Cesca.
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cesca
Novice Poster
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Post by cesca on Apr 3, 2007 21:23:49 GMT 1
I'd say I do too Kanga, thank you so much I think one of the most positive things about today was suddenly realising that this is what I do - and how insane it is!!! But now I recognise it I can diminish its power...if you know what I mean. Yes it's just interesting to think, maybe my friend has insecurities too...and I don't want to hold any resentment for her, I love her to bits, truth be told. I just need to stop this effect she's having on me - and wherever it's coming from, whether it truly exists or not, only I can stop it making me feel inadequate. I think we are all really brave Kanga, to be honest. I have known so many people whose horses never leave the yard they are on - because their riders are afraid. At least we are downing the rescue remedy (although I forgot it tonight!) and "feeling the fear and doing it anyway". Yay for us! Already planning for Thursday. May return to xc course or may put a jump up in the school, later on when noone's about to criticise/try to help (last time this happened someone who was on the ground pulling my riding apart got on my boy, screamed when he ran out and tanked round the school and condemned him as totally f*cked up (he most certainly is NOT - he just does not respond well to a less than confident rider) - JUST because he didn't go well for her). Man riding is tied up with so much EGO at these livery yards, no wonder we all get screwed up!!! Thanks for bigging me up Kanga I guess you gathered I sure ain't gonna do it myself!!! (Though I will try and improve on that front...I think that's the root of my problems...)
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