So fed up & shouldnt be!

[dawnb]

Just need a bit of a whinge, sorry you lot drew the short straw!!
As most of you will know I've been off work after having Savannah as was supposed to be going back part time in October. Over the past month I have been approached by our biggest competitor who have offered me the earth to go and work for them. I've turned it down several times, but now they've come back with an offer so good that I cannot refuse it. Cash will no longer be an issue, Savannah will be able to go to private school, I'll be able to buy Roche the horse I have on loan an get all those things which I've never been able to afford. The new company appreciate that I have a young baby and have agreed to let me start later and finish earlier so as to have that bit of time with Savannah and if shes poorly I can stay home with her. All sounds great, but Im just so gutted that Im having to leave her -probably sounds pathetic! I know other mums have managed probably on far less than what they're paying me and have had to return to work full time but Im tearing myself apart as I know I wont be there to see her first steps, first words etc. I also know that on the up side for her it'll do her good socialising with other children as shes going to nursery for 3 days a week and to her nans for the other 2 but I still cant get rid of the feeling that Im abandoning her. Im just so fed up and I know I should be flattered that this company want me so much and that they;ve given me such a fab deal but still it feels crap. If I'd have stayed at my old company I would have been made redundant by the end of this year I am sure as business isnt too hot and loads of people have sadly lost their jobs over the course of the year but at least I would've been home for savannah at 1.30pm instead of 4.30pm - I know its only 3 hours extra but I know I'll be sat at my desk wondering what shes doing now. I guess Im feeling this bad as I've not worked since March this year so taking 6 months out of the work place then going back will take some adjustment. Sorry for the long whinge but just wanted other peoples perspective on it and to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening!!

[Lucymj not logged]

Oh Dawn! It is so hard having a baby - nothing we do is ever good enough for them is it! I am in the total opposite situation from you.......... my son is 17 months old and we have another one on the way, but we decided that i would stay at home until the children were both older. It is great being at home for everything with my little boy and i really enjoy it (!) but i always think to myself, well maybe if i worked he could have this or that, and if he went to nursery he would make lots of little friends.......... I think whatever we do with our babies we always think we should be doing something different! You are doing the right thing for you and that is what is important! At the end of the day, if you change your mind after starting your new job you can do something about it then! Good luck with your new job and enjoy having a whinge on here - we dont mind the short straw!

[trallwmfarm sanctuary]

Its difficult swapping to a new routine and it will be hard initially but what you are feeling is natures over the top attempt at making sure mothers dont abandon thier offspring.
As Savannah grows up you will learn to let go a little anyway as she does more with her own little life.I promise you as long as she is having fun and is cared for she really wont worry who is in charge.
Once you get your own security going in your work ability ( God knows we all feel vulnerable after child birth ) you will see things from a business woman aspect again.
You just need to learn to balance and everything will be ok again.

[monet]

i can sympathize with you, i went back to work 6 weeks after my son was born 13 years a go! no one can really decided for you but what helped me get through it was my Gran telling me that memories are for remembering and every little thing that you do with your daughter you have to cherish, so if work helps to make special memories for you [ie weekends...bath time etc ]and you can live a comfortable life then thats the choice, if you dont take the job you may end up regretting it later.

adult company is great and stimulating and your baby girl will be there at the end of the day for you to spend some quality time with.

sam spends alot of time with his father and so i make sure that when iam with him its a way of building memories so he can look back at and think, i did that with my mum.....

best of luck dawn xx

[dawnb]

Thanks guys for the advice and the sympathy and the good advice, knew I could count on you all I guess its a case of suck it and see, if it doesnt work out then at least I've tried and if it does great. As Lesley has pointed out she will be building her own little life soon enough and I guess just because I wont be there physically 24/7 as long as she knows Im only a shout away then it'll be Ok. Fingers crossed for 3rd October then.....
you've all been really helpful thanks so much xx

[karen]

Congratulations on the job! if you go to work full time, you will appreciate her so much more when you have her around. Too many people i know are part timers and stay at home mums and they do end up stuffing baby in front of a telly or leave them to play by themselves-it seems you can have too much of a good thing-so when their baby does something new or clever they rareley even notice, you will notice every new little thing your little savannah does everyday and she will give you something to look forward to rather than oh god another day in with the baby which is a horrid thing to say but it's the attitude all the parents i know seem to have. All you can do is assess how you feel over time, give it a go i hope it all works well fingers crossed for you both

you go girl!

Kx

[dawnb]

Thanks Karen x Had a lovely hack out last night in the sunshine and talked poor Roche to boredom, kind of spent the time justifying it all to myself. got home and Savannah quite happy with her daddy which brought it home that yes as long as shes being entertained, has a clean bum and a full tum then the world wont be such a bad place for her!
Thanks again all x

[Guest]

I think that when you have children you have to make sacrifices, people want so much these days, a car each, mobile phone, satilite TV etc etc, personally I think you should stay at home with a child, then maybe go back part time during school time.

I was looked after by a child minder as my Mum went back to work and I hated being abandoned, I remember this like it was yesterday and am now 36! Especially during shcool hols when others were off with their parents doing things, also if I was ill I felt like such an inconvenience as Mum had to take time off work, and I knew how much her job meant to her.

I cannot understand how someone can put working over caring for their child and I think its very selfish, make sacrifices and go without a bit; its the love and care that counts and money does not buy that.

Just my thoughts having been on the receiving end!

You have to live with your choice so its up to you to decide whats more important.

[dawnb]

Guest I hear what you are saying but firstly Savannah isnt of school age. I have made the sacrifice to go back to work to ensure her future. If you read my post I would've been made redundant at the end of this year leaving me with just a small wage to manage a house, horse etc on. Yes a horse isnt a necessity but hes part of me. Savannah will ALWAYS come first, if we get to the stage where she doesnt want mum to work then I will give up, as I will have been able to save the large sums of extra cash each month to provide for us until I can find something else. Im not just abandoning her with anyone, the nursery has been checked out and has come recommended from other mums, and most of the time she'll be with family anyway. I am sad very sad at having to leave her, but must do this to ensure her future is a good one. What kind of a mother would go back to her old job knowing it wouldnt be there in 4 months and wondering what the hell I would do to feed her and clothe her? It may seem as if I am putting my career first but I totally know in my own heart that this is definately not the case, it is a case of an opportunity arising which will ensure the future of her, she'll want for nothing and that includes time with me & her dad. The intention is to work until she reaches school age and then look at school hours, but if in the meantime savannah is unhappy with the arrangement then I will finish work and have to find something else with alot less money and we'll have to manage. As I said earlier its a case of try and see, if it works great and if not then equally I'll have to deal with it. Please do not assume I have made this decision lightly Savannah is the absolute paramount in all of this and if i felt for one single minute she'd be missing out on life for the sake of me having a career then it'd change in an instant. I am not a materialistic person, all my life from being a tiddler myself I have had to make do & mend, my parents were not in a position to give me a good start not their fault but what i do have now I have worked hard for and I have caught no harm. All I am trying to do is ensure Savannah can have all the things I never could and if the extra means I can finally buy my own horse and afford to have him on livery, can afford a new car which is a necessity for me to get to work as its a way from where I live then so be it.
Im sorry you feel the way you do towards your mum, but I'd like to bet that she thought she was doing the best by you too in her own way. Being a mum is the hardest thing I've ever been faced with, but its a learning process for me too and yes you are right I will have to live with my choice and that I will - thanks for your perspective however and you are entitled to your own viewpoint, that was the whole purpose of this thread to get others ideas, especially those from mums already.

[fin]

He he, I never even got a moment off! I was writing a bibliography when I went into labour and got up the next morning and had to write a report . . . .

I was one of those kids who had a really clingy mom who wouldn't go out to work, had no life of her own, no friends, no interests, nothing, because 'I needed her.' Like hell--actually I'd have given my right arm to have her out of my hair. Mums who don't have independent lives of their own find it very hard to offer their kids anything, and to be honest there's a danger of them growing up and seeing you as a dull old doormat (not saying any of you are, obviously, but it can happen ). My own son went into nursery at 4 months. I was still studying so it destituted us, but it was so good for him. I don't think he ever felt abandoned--he grew up learning Welsh which we don't speak at home, got to socialise with other kids and did all sorts of things independent of us. It taught him from an early age that there's a world out there, different ways of doing things, which he wouldn't have had if he'd been at home all the time with me. Eventually of course we ended up educating him at home, which was a bit ironic I suppose (!), but he does look back at his nursery days with quite a bit of nostalgia (primary school less so, but that's another story!). So don't beat yourself up--try it and see how you all feel. Savannah may not like it or she may love it, and you might feel that it all gets too much or that it's absolutely great, but you won't know til you try!

[gwenoakes]

Dawn - know what you mean. I always felt guilty when out working with young children and still felt guilty when at home and we couldnt afford to give them a lot. A no win situation really. Just a thought, could you employ a housekeeper to cook meals and clean etc then when you were at home you could devote all your time to your daughter. Hope this helps. Wish you luck.

[Wendy IHTS]

I went back to work when my daughter was 6 weeks old. I missed her, of course, but spent a long time finding a childminder I really liked and who just thought the world of her. Anyway, she's 8 now and something she said brought this issue home to me a few weeks ago. She was going on a school trip, the first time they would be away for two nights as a class. They were going to do all sorts of exciting things to do with learning about prehistoric times: sailing through river caves, doing cave paintings, making shelters out in the open. My daughter couldn't wait to get stuck in! She came out of school and said "You know Mum, there are some children who are worried about going on holiday and being away from their Mummy and Daddy because they're never left them before". The she rolled her eyes like 8 yo kids do! Sometimes I think some parents desperately need their children around and convince themselves it's because the children need them 24/7.

[dawnbnotloggedin]

Thanks Gwen & Wendy I've come to terms with it now and yes I know about clingy kids as I was one myself! As I said I didnt have alot as a child and my mum couldnt afford nursery so stayed home with us when it came to me going to school blimey I didnt know what'd hit me and they literally had to carry me in every day until I realised what was happening, dont want that for S so Im sure she'll enjoy her little bit of independance from me and I will probably enjoy it too. Gwen a housekeeper would be an option but we'd both be home for 4.30 anyway so dinner could be done between us and the house cleaned at the weekends (thats last on my list hehe) Roche is going on full livery so that'll cut my time down mucking out etc so all being equal it should work ok i hope thanks for the support x

[gwenoakes]

Your welcome Dawn - let us know how it pans out.

[ruby]

My mum went out to work for as long as I can remember and I went to nursery and to childminder/family friends after school until me and my brother were old enough to look after ourselves at home. I admit when I was younger I sometimes got upset when my mum wasn't there like other kids' parents for things like sports day cos she was working and sometimes I would want her there after school and she wasn't. But looking back now I realise it gave me a head start in independence, I was able to catch buses and get myself about on my own while alot of my other friends were reliant on their parents and I was always very proud of having my own front door key! Obviously thats a bit far off for Savannah but just my viewpoint as the product of a working family. I don't begrudge my mum working now and i think as long as Savannah is being well entertained and cared for by people she knows she will be happy. And I'm sure you will value the time you have with her even more (it certainly doesn't sound as though you could love her any more thatn you already do!). Don't beat yourself up you're doing this for your family's future.