Changing name when married

[noor]

I'm a Muslim and the Islamic tradition is that a woman does not change her surname to her husband's when she marries, instead she retains her father's name.

[mandandpaddy]

When I got married I changed my name to my OH`s and my initials became APE, thats the same as his initials and when our son was born guess what we kept the theme and he`s APE as well.

But I did retain my maiden name for work and have had dual names for 13 years now, it did cause a few problems at first in Tescos when i signed the wrong name on the credit card slip.

[jennyb]

Well my initials are JAB now which I think is quite ironic for a needle-phobic!

[Guest2]

I love my independence and hate the idea of getting married. If I ever did I would feel exactly the same way as OP, but I don't understand what all the fuss is about. If you like your name you should keep it. If you want to have children, and you have to go through the entire process of carrying them, childbirth etc then surely they should too have your name as you have done all the work ( and certainly all the difficult bits). If your fiance wants the same name as you then get him to change his name - he should surely be proud to take your name. If not, I would ask why not? If he feel strongly about keeping his name perhaps he should be allowed to keep it. I have absolutley no idea why women in this day and age ( or any day and age) give up/have given up their names or feel they have to. I have never understood this! If it happened equally that it was either the woman or the man giving up their surnames then I would have more understanding, but don't be pressurised into doing something you are uncomfortable with.

[pip]

It is very strange changing your name and takes some getting used to. There is no reason why you have to change it. Some women keep their name for business, but have their married name for private.
In the past even some aristocratic familes changed surnames if it meant having an inheritance, to keep the name going.
I think you can choose to call yourself anything you like, in fact the most difficult thing to change is a bapised Christian name because you are completely stuck with that and have to use it on official documents (I think that is right and an interesting legal question) although you can call yourself anything. The difficulty might come with banks, credit cards, etc.

[wendyihts]

I didn't change my surname when I got married and it's fine over in the UK. However, here in France the dratted bureaucracy can't seem to get their heads around it. There isn't a French equivalent for Ms in French - so I have the same name as my mother now! Mrs K..... Then people assume my husband is Mr K... and that hacks him off. Our French bank and the utilities insists on putting everything as Mr and Mrs B..... meaning that when it comes to proving my identity and proof of address to access goods and services (e.g. new mobile phone), I also have to take along my marriage licence as my passport and utility bills have different names on them. That kind of discrimination would cause uproar in the UK!

However, my BIGGEST annoyance is that I have to carry a letter giving me permission from my husband to take MY OWN CHILDREN out of the country when I travel with them. In France, they have only just recently changed the law so that children don't have to be called by their father's surname. Our children were born in the UK and have double barrelled names on their UK birth certificates but when we got their French ID cards from the French Consulate in London they insisted that the children had to have their father's surname on their ID cards... so I have a different surname to my children as far as their French ID cards and my passport go, meaning I need a permission slip from my hubby to take them out of the country. To say this makes me FUME is an understatement (particularly as I'm the one who carried and gave birth to them, not him!!).

Anyway, British passports are in order now, I think. We could, apparently, write to someone somewhere, asking pretty please for new French ID cards with the childrens' proper names on but I'm feeling belligerent now!

[sarabelgium]

In Belgium you keep your maiden name for everything official and I wanted to keep mine for business as I had built up my career under that name (I'm a freelance journalist so my byline is my maiden name). But I did take my husband's name for family life and other things like my passport. I quite like the separation between business and private life. It's also nice to share the surname with my daughter and husband to complete the family unit. But I think I would have kept my surname if it hadn't been that it mattered more to my husband that I took his name for our private life more than it mattered to me to keep my maiden name. A friend was exactly the same - she was going to keep her name because she saw no reason to change but she hadn't realised how hurt her husband was by the very idea. It was just no big deal to her either way. As a feminist I did have a long think about the becoming his property concept but then I decided my maiden name was my dad's so that's patriarchal anyway. However, nobody who wants to remain living dares address me as Mrs Alain Desmedt, I am Sara. I even cringe if we get letters addressed to Mr & Mrs Alain Desmedt. I was working on an American newsletter when I got married and there the current practice seems to be to go double-barrelled which I did but it's terribly long winded. Anyway just a few thoughts because I do know what you're going through.

[pip]

Re taking the children out of the country. I think this is similar in America, because my sister still has her UK passport, but both the children are USA citizens, so there were complications when they were all travelling to the UK togther, but without husband. Now they are over 18 they travel on their own passports.

[Casper]

I kept my maiden name for business and use my married name in my private life. As far as I am concerned, my married name is now my "proper" name. Did suggest (and was only half joking) to my hubby that we went down the double barrelled route - but he was having none of it, said too pretentious etc etc. Doh!

Whatever you decide, good luck with your wedding plans etc. I echo the sentiments of many posters above that it goes so very quickly it is a shame it doesn't last at least a week! The very best advice we were given about our wedding was to take time to drink it all in - for example to take the time to look at the flowers on the pews, the candles in the floral displays etc. You can get so overwhelmed with the day, that despite all the planning etc you can overlook things. A friend of ours did that and regretted it, hence her advice to us, which we took on board wholeheartedly.

I LOVE weddings - get all sentimental etc. Very best of luck to you.

[gem]

Many thanks to all, We have been talking about it alot and I can see that while he says its okay how hurt he is that I dont want to take his name, I asked him to take mine but he said that he feels that isnt right and would offend his family, he wants me to take his name because he feels that this shows my commitment and that he can protect me to a better extent, I dont really need protecting but thats his feelings.

I was watching the festival of the horse this weekend and there were alot of double barrelled names going around the course, its pretentious of course but Im thinking better be pretentious than cause him hurt.

As you have all said its a long time off yet so perhaps i'll feel differently about it closer to the time.

Good to know its not just me though x

[Anke]

I am German and until recently married couples had to share a surname (his or hers), we were the first couple in my family to keep our names as they were before. Some people find it really difficult but it suits us fine. We have been married 9 yrs now and it has caused only very few proplems. We are used to making reservations and then being addressed as Mr and Mrs D or H, depending on who made the reservation. We never say anything, it has never caused any further confusion or issues. If people want to make assumptions, let them. Life is too short. In France it seems completely weird as Wendy says. I just could not face the hassle of having my passport changed etc etc and I would be horrified if someone addressed me in the English way as Mrs Richard Millar, you loose all your own identity that way. Do what you feel most comfortable with. We are very happily married but have not had a traditional white wedding, have not always lived together during our marriage and we do not share the same name. But we love and respect each other and have the same outlook on life - that's what counts, not the same name. Best wishes Anke

[sunshine]

I think hubby's issue is that deep down he is a traditionalist and getting married and changing your name is part and parcel of it.

I also knew I would change my name, but the hassle of doing it and the cost (ie: passport and driver's licence) is just appalling.

I think he would be mortified if I asked him to take my surname, plus mine is just not one that will double barrell with anything at all.

and yes, when hubby says his surname, he actually knocks on a surface and says "Knock". Most people still don't get it!