Anxiety about my methods

[louiseh78]

Hi all
I have owned my horse for 19 years and have had him at the same stable yard for the whole time. I feel that I give my horse very good care and follow a non-punitive approach and have a brilliant relationship with my equine friend. My problem is that I feel isolated in the techniques I use with my horse and am 'looked down upon' by the other yard members. Sometimes they make comments about what I do and sometimes they just watch the work I do and make me feel uncomfortable. The other yard members believe that you are the boss and punishment is the only way to make your horse realise that. I end up feeling very anxious when people watch me work with my horse. I stopped riding 4 years ago due to my own poor health but spend lots of time with my horse engaging in ground work and in hand exercises. The way I feel I am judged is preventing me at times from enjoying my time at the yard. I try to go down to my horse when the yard is quiet but this is not always possible as their are 60 horses there. I feel so on my own with my techniques and I am tired of hearing comments like 'you are letting him boss you around'. My horse is very well behaved and trusts me to do most activities.
Feeling very sad following another judgmental comment this morning. Does anyone have any advice to subside my anxiety? Thank you.

[jill]

You have come to the right place, there have been lots of people in a similar situation on here, and hopefully they will tell you how they make it work for them. But for me, interacting with other people in the locality (I have my own yard) I have developed a thick skin and allowed the results to speak for themselves. It takes time, but now I am asked to help when the people who like to buly their horses find they have an aggressive fearful horse who won't load/lead/stand to be mounted/have its bridle on etc etc.
If you are happy with the relationship you and your horse have why does it matter what other people think? Tell them to mind their own, and just enjoy your time with your horse.

[mrsfields]

i can totally relate... i had my lads on livery for the past few years, and it was exactly the same - i was being watched like a hawk and constantly judged, criticised and ridiculed because of my IH methods... it was incredibly demoralising and i gave up trying to explain and justify my actions, but in the end it was my lovely lad who showed them how trusting and clever he was when we went out on our first group hack with horses from the yard last year including their riding school horses, and he ended up having to be the one who led the way as the other horses were generally scared/spooky/freaking out and getting beaten and yelled at, and he quietly took the lead to get us all out of a sticky situation and ended up leading the hack the whole day even though he was also discovering new things he'd never seen before and was the youngest horse in the group - i was so proud of my boy that day it was unreal and that made everything feel so much better! have to say, the comments stopped after that!

we've since got our own place, and it does feel wonderful to be free to do our own thing now, without being judged...

i know how discouraging it can be - try not to let it get to you though - it sounds like you have a great relationship with your horse and he trusts you and that's the important thing

[Deleted]

I've been there too. And the same as mags, I kept my head down until one day (much to my surprise) one of the liveries who had criticised me the most actually asked for my help because she could see I was able to do far more with my horse than she could with hers.

[varkie]

Have you tried checking out the section on who is in your area? Perhaps you could get together with others in your area, for a bit of support? Depending on where you are in Surrey, I'm over the border in Hampshire, and there's quite a lot of southerners.

[specialized]

Sometimes people get judgmental and critical when they are jealous of the relationship you have with your horse doing things sympathetically, and the fact they are watching you means they subconciously know there is something to learn.

[wabuska]

Horse people are especially judgmental and mouthy for some reason... inflating their own feelings on the back of putting others down? I don't know. As Varkie suggests... you need some like minded company. Your horse sounds like a very lucky lad.

[misty]

So sad you are all on your own. Varkie's idea is great to see if there is any going on in your area. Just keep doing what you want to do and take no notice.

[KimT]

I think we have all experienced this. Ive even had it recently. Ellie rodeoed just before I bought her from my mum 3 months ago. It was so out of character that I refused to ride her and got a physio out. During this time I got told she was a nasty horse and that I should get on her and show her whos boss and I had offers from people to do it for me in case I was scared and that I should send her off for schooling.........

Physio came out and she had a very bad back from her saddle. So bad the physio was surprised she didnt do it sooner. Despite having a full physio report I have now been told that Ellie will never be a good ridden horse because her last memory was rodeoing and winning.

Stupid peope.

[mmel001]

Sometimes you have to be very thick skinned. It seems sad to me that despite having a common interest in horses some people have to comment, have to back stab, have to offer you unwanted advice and for some reason don't seem to be happy unless you are simply miserable! Then you get I told you so!

I have been there, with people telling me that the only way my youngster would learn was by me using force and telling him who's boss. I remember someone telling me I had all the patience in the world after watching me trying to get my horse to walk on to the field (being lead) for 30 minutes as he had planted. I was patiently moving him in diagonals to try and encourage him to take a step forward. This person told me that what he needed was a bl**dy good whack and he'd soon walk on. Yes he would! In fact he probably would have shot forwards potentially taking me out. I either had him dara


An example of how force DOESN'T work!

Recently I had taken him to a school to have a lesson. He was tricky to load, but patience won the day. We got there, he wasn't stressed, we had a great lesson and off we went.

My instructor decided that she was going to load him to get him home, and to her credit she did get him loaded, but it was unfortunate that the partition had to be moved back and it made a noise that scared my horse to death, he then fled the box in a hurry backwards and was quite adamant that he was not going back on.

My instructor decided to take charge of the situation and as she supposedly knew better than me, I let her try. She works with a lot of youngsters so I assumed she has had this problem before.

The first approach was to lead him to the ramp, ask him to walk up giving lots of praise and encouragement. He would get about half way with both front feet on, then evade off to the side. So she decided that we needed a lunge line to stop him going off that way. He then decided to evade off to the other side, so a lunge line was added that way. Then it was suggested that he was encouraged forwards by a schooling whip - NOT hit at all, tickled. The pressure of this sent my horse over the edge, I was in absolute bits when he started trying to double barrel anyone that went anywhere near him. I stepped in and insisted on a time out. He was pawing at the ground and trying to rear up, but when I walked over to him he lowered his head and calmed right down. I walked him round and took him to the ramp I put no pressure on him to load. I reminded myself that we had all day (it was starting to get dusky but that's fine!) and within 10 mins max I earned his trust enough that with a little gentle pressure and release to start him off, he walked onto the box of his own accord.

I learned a valuable lesson that day, and that was that despite someone being a 'professional' doesn't mean that they have the best ways in which to deal with all situations. Her methods were not working and she demonstrated that using force was not the way to work with my horse. I learned that I know my horse best and that I had the ability to load my horse and that I should not doubt in my ability or my technique, sometimes other people make things far worse.

If your methods work for you, you have a happy horse and a great relationship then my advice is to try and ignore those that feel the need to comment. There could be an element of jealousy, but, if it is impossible to avoid and it is making you miserable, consider changing yards.

I know that is not an easy option, but I have sadly been in the situation where someone decided to try and bully me and my horse. Had I not been heavily pregnant at the time I might have stood my ground, but even then had I managed to do so, my horse ran the risk of being scarred for life. I took the opportunity to move yards and I can honestly say that where I am now is about 10000 times better! I've had one incident with a lady who was there who bitched about everyone behind their backs, but she chose to leave the yard as it became too 'young' for her and no one wanted to listen to her, and I can actually go to the yard, not be judged and enjoy my time with my horse! With can I say, like minded people who also enjoy their time with their horses?!

[louiseh78]

Thank you so much everyone for your support and I can relate with so many of those experiences. I do try to be thick skinned and at times I don't care but other times I feel alone. I have the similar experience that my 'ex riding instructor' knows best but her methods in the past frightened me and my horse. I'm so glad I went at it my way. I know others can see the results I have with my boy and I'm sure a lot of the bitching is jealousy. I'm sure I get things wrong but I try to learn with my horse and not against him. I think this forum really helps me feel supported and I am so grateful for it. I am a sensitive person which I guess is why I read my horse well, I try not to show my anxiety to the others but I go home feeling crappy. Thank you again for your support. I will keep reading these comments each time I feel down.

[KimT]

Keep your chin up hun. My mum and I are moving to try having our own rented land for awhile. I am looking forward to it for many reasons and not having idiots round me is one of them.

[madhatter]

Hang in there - like minded people are increasing! Unfortunately the horsey world does seem to have its share of the kind of people you mentioned here. I have recently moved yards and I am amazed at the number of people who have changed their way of thinking, but the "grumps" and "know-it-alls" and "Show them who is boss" still abound. You are not alone - you have your boy. Take heart in the relationship you have with him.

[wabuska]

AND... let's be fair there are NH types who are equally know it all and judgmental, but at least the horses are presumably getting better treatment!

[cbc]

As I think Kanga said, it is often people inflating their own egos.
If you can keep in mind that their comments say more about them it may help when they are being scathing.
I can sympathise very much too about being watched. I hate it with a passion but sadly as you are on a big yard I cant offer any suggestions on that one.
What is the most important thing? Your relationship with your horse and the enjoyment you both get out of the relationship. The rest can sod off basically ;D (sorry to sound rude but I have come across derision too and although I am normally very polite and I keep the "sod off" mentality quietly to myself and it does help my confidence).