God I felt so pathetic and It'll happen again

[stella2]

I lost my bottle (the little that I had) 3 years ago after an accident in which my arm was smashed up badly. Without dwelling on it, suffice to say the horse ran off with me. I've had my mare for 3 years, she's lovely and generally sensible, she has only run off a bit (not maliciously like the previous one) if she's tense or upset. She doesn't make a habit of it and to an experienced, non hysterical rider, she pulls up quickly and its all good.

I had another accident in December, not her fault, not mine either, just one of those things. I came off, injured my ankle quite badly and damaged a tendon that runs from the foot up the outside of the calf. The ligaments and tendon kept me out of the saddle until a couple of weeks ago. My nerves have come and gone since getting back on, but actually I've not be too bad (pleasant surprise) until this morning (unpleasant surprise). I had my first lesson since coming off, my usual instructor is tied up (but this may well have happened anyway), so it was with a new instructor (a friend's who I'd seen teach and liked the look of). Anyway, I'd just got on, she turned away briefly and my mare who was apparently feeling bright decided we should have a canter, she took one step responded to me, so was not cantering the second, but in my head, she was going to run off and I actually called to the instructor "help me, help me" It was so pathetic, then I got off and asked her to get on for a few minutes which she obliged and all was well. I remained tense and nervous through most of the lesson. She was great, but I could have cried. I'm so disappointed in myself. I spent so long as a nervous wreck that friend's felt sorry for, I find the idea of being there again unbearable

[Persianhorse]

Dear Stella2:

Wise decision or may I say Intelligent lady you are.
Why you are disappointed in your self you are totally wrong.
When you think you are nervous is best to get far from horses because they could read your mind from a distance and our feelings will effect the horse instantly.

Once me and my horse fell into a hard ground and the horse came on my leg and my leg was between the ground and the horse , How did I survive? I was wearing a CHAPS.

Because you had an accident with your leg you should wear a chaps in case of any accident it is a good tool for you and they really stick to the saddle because of the leather made it is wise to wear one please.

All horse riders and good riders fell and have bad accidents don't blame your self on that if you blame your self then you will losse your confidence you are not the same person which you where before falling you have great Experience from your fall you should use all those knowledge and Experience.

I wish you the best.

[rosemaryhannah]

Yup, stop blaming yourself! It was a blip, we all have blips! You don't have to repeat it - and you won't!

[dawnb]

Hey dont be so hard on yourself. Anyone who has had such a bad accident would be the same. Your survival chip has kicked in, and to me thats a good thing just shows how responsible you are. If you hadnt have gotten off you'd have ended up frightening yourself and your horse to death so you deserve a pat on the back for that! Next time you get on, do what youre comfy with and if you only get on then off again well thats absolutely fine, one step at a time. Try not to feel so disappointed we have all been in this situation at one time or another so youre definately not on your own! Hugs to you and it will get better xx

[karenandco]

Hi Stella2,

i'm really sorry for your confidence issues, i too have had some major issues just lately, (hence my post hacking out today) but please don't feel bad, if you read my post on hacking out update, you have to think out side the box, i didn't fall, infact i have only ever fallen off a horse once, and that wasn't even mine, but it doesn't stop you think you will, make things into smaller steps of what you can do and what you feel confident doing, gradually increasing the boundries do things at you and your horses pace, and don't let others make you do things that your not comfortable with,
i know how you feel about being dissapointed and crying believe me i did a lot of that, even to the point that i was going to sell my boy because i couldn't go as fast as he wants to go, but please, take a few days of thinking about it, take the pressure off your self, don't ride for a few days do some ground work with her, sit and have a chat and a cuppa tea with her, find out what her personality is, if nothing else it will help your relationship,

chill out take some time and take off the pressure

karen and co

[iceberg]

Hello stella2,

lets look at this logically, you say you had your first lesson since you came off and hurt your ankle . Ok, and your mare took a canter stride - in your mind, because you hadnt asked for the canter, you were for that split second 'out of control'. And all those bad memories came flooding back from your recent accident and from the time 3 years ago.

To put it into perspective-

You werent really out of control, but all your survival instincts went into action.

You have only just recovered from your previous injury, and so the memory is still very fresh to you.

your survival instincts took over and you had to get off.

Well I can tell you I do know exactly how this feels, and I can tell you that you are not alone, its not pathetic, and it will get better.

My advice would be to start again with your instructor, either the new one or the usual, and explain that you want to build up slowly, so your confidance can recover, do this only in walk if you want to, gradually building to other paces at your own pace.

This will also give you time to realise you ankle has healed and will 'do' what you want. (when I had an op on my shoulder, it worried me for a long time that it would fail (dislocate) when I rode, or fell off.

The problem with bad memories is that we think we have defeated them, and then they resurface to bite us on the bum when we are vunerable.

Memories do fade with time, its a matter of facing them and saying 'Ive done with you, now go away'

Look at what you have achieved, and try to regard this as a little set back and not a huge one. My friend was forever jumping off her pony with collywobbles, crying and almost having panic attacks, yet she perservered, and we got her jumping .

You arent alone in this and please read other threads and you will see this, we all try to help each other and give support where we can.
Im so wobbly at the moment myself I have to be led!!!!!!!!!!
But, I dont care too much, it will get better.

Please let us know how you get on.
xxx

[kya]

Stella... I have called out in just that way in the past. I remember hacking with a group of friends and calling out hysterically 'no canter, no canter' at the top of my voice in front of a new boyfriend. It happens. when I got my 4 year old horse last year, I cried the night before every ride and would storm into the house saying 'I've made a mistake!', sell him please to my other half. On my first hack I twice called out 'I'm afraid now' and actually the BHS person I was with was not that helpful. I can't believe we are now hacking out with reasonable calm, and I have a good friend who takes everything at my speed. We're even jumping. You can get back too.

You must feel vulnerable, and I hope the instructor made you feel comfortable about expressing yourself. It's alright to do so, and you have a hell of a past to overcome.

You're up there doing it. That is fantastic and takes great guts, so let youself off the hook for a moment of panic. Try to trust yourself and the horse and keep going. Riding, riding and more riding. It will happen.

You can't see it because your fear and pride are clouding your judgement, but that was as Persian suggests a sucessful ride.

[wozzer]

Stella. We've all been there chick.

You are not pathetic, so don't you dare say that to yourself

You are, in fact, a totally courageous and formidable lady! You have had some bad experiences and yet you are up there, still riding. What you are is incredibly brave, and everyone on here will understand exactly where you are coming from. Brave people are the people who, despite their experiences, try again - so don't you dare be so hard on yourself!

Welcome to the Perfect Confidence board, where we all try to help each other. Let us know how you get on xx

[angblue]

Totally agree with the others, you are NOT pathetic in the slightest.
I can totally relate to how you are feeling. When I first got blue he spooked on the road & I fell although only bruised & battered I had to have my OH lead him for a while. I can remember almost crying with fear at times & saying to OH don't you dare let go!
It's a really horrible feeling but I promise it gets better ;D
I now hack out happily with OH & his mare & we lead most of the time. I'm getting there & I am determined to crack hacking alone in time.
It takes time for body & mind(esp mind!) to heal, so take it easy & remember there is NO time limit

[fluffypony]

Just wanted to wholeheartedly agree with Wozzer there

And let you know I am also prone to bleating out my most inner terrified thoughts at odd moments on horseback. I can have a giggle about them now they have past. I can remember a near miss and ending up being half on half off of a lovely ploddy cob, arms clinging on round his neck, squeaking "make him stop, make him stop!" and yes, I could ride, and yes, it was a group lesson So you are not alone, and don't be mortified about that particular aspect of it

[xrachx]

Stella2 you are not pathetic, you're human!
Its perfectly normal to call out for help if you need it too, I once got on a horse I didnt know as it had been acting up with my friend. Well, it reared and reared and I shouted "someone grab this bloody horse" in a very shaky voice and about 10 people came to my aid, grabbed the horse and I got off !

You say you are disappointed in yourself, dont be you got back on her and had your lesson. You may have felt nervous but you got on with it didnt you, some wouldnt have

I rode my little mare this morning, then my gelding. When I got on my gelding I took him in the school and made my OH stand at the gate while I rode because I just need someone there. You are certainly not alone Stella trust me

[cesca]

Hi Stella2, please don't beat yourself up - you carried on with the lesson! The thing I often think, when I'm beating myself up about some "stupid" thing I've done on my horse in front of others, is that the person I feel I've made a fool of myself in front of probably forgot all about it the instant it was over!

You have had some bad experiences and have every right to feel nervous. But you must look at the positive - your mare came back to you, and most of all you are still getting on and getting on with it!

I did XC training yesterday with my riding club on our yard's XC course. (Jumping is my bugbear - that's why I'm on here, and I will post about it shortly.) We went really well, and right at the end we were doing a course. My lad used to be a bolter and is still very strong! And I was in a snaffle...and somehow the 3 of us that were doing this course managed to get bunched up together at the end of one field and all 3 took off, my lad of course the worst. I tried to turn him up a steep slope but it had no effect on his engine whatsoever (he is very fit at the moment) and it was so uneven I turned him back down...as we came galloping/jumping back down the slope I looked at the ground and saw what a mess it was - uneven, stones, holes and had a "flashback" to once when he was younger when he took me down the side of the common, a virtually sheer drop, galloping and jumping over horrendous, near vertical ground. I managed to pull up at the bottom (by heading him at the wall) and we turned back, and I was fine. But then the others decided to canter directly up the slope back to the farm - in EXACTLY the place I had done a year and a half ago, when my lad hadn't stopped at the top but simply gained more and more speed on the flat at the top of the hill, ending up in him galloping straight up a 10ft bank, jumping off the top, and somersaulting on landing. I was thrown clear and ok bar a hurt hand, he put his pelvis out. But the point of my ramblings is, as they all turned up this slope I started to yell at them (and him, I'm ashamed to say!) and lose it; I can't remember what I said I was that afraid. I tried to hang on to my lad and take him a different route but then I realised he'd be even worse so I had to follow the others. He got to the top, stopped, and we walked calmly the rest of the way back. Now I don't care I made a "t|t" of myself for a second in front of the others; they are good friends, they have seen my horse bolt and they know about the accident. They have their own fears and they know that mine are more than justified. As are yours! And I was immensely pleased that I'd done it - I realised I have never been up that particular way since the accident. So it doesn't matter! For me those two incidents in quick succession caused almost a "flashback", which was very powerful, very strong.

We (you and I) both have to acknowledge the fact we got freaked out, but also that we then got ourselves under control and got on with it - where many wouldn't. Agree wholeheartedly with all the others above too, particularly persianhorse and iceberg.

Well done girl! I hope you stay on this part of the board because it's really, really helpful.

[stella2]

Thanks everyone, the support has made me feel better It was the calling out 'help me, help me' that made me feel pathetic! It really helped to hear that others have called out similar 'non horsewoman' type things! I don't feel that 'Someone get hold of this bloody horse' counts. Still sounds like a horsewoman to me!! But I enjoyed reading the others, 'make it stop, make it stop' and 'no canter, no canter', made me laugh and feel less of a Pratt!

I am disappointed that I panicked as much as I did (way out of proportion), but I always knew why - previous traumas and all that. It is as you say, one step out of control pushes my buttons! The new instructor handled my dithering self very well. She was very supportive, whilst also getting me to focus on the job in hand

Karenandco - I'm blessed in that I have a great bond with my mare already and we do enjoy each others company, so thats a good place to start again from isn't it? The instructor is back tomorrow. I have another lesson then and I'll take it from there and try not to let the 'bogey men' from Sunday prey on my mind.

Thanks also for the welcome to this part of the forum, it seems like a lovely place to come

[Louise C]

Good luck today Stella - you are behaving totally rationally according to your brain - you just have to try and override the programme!

[rosiecheeks]

Dont beat yourself up it takes time to get your confidence back. I had several accidents over the past 6 hyears and my confidence just went. You need to get your usual instructor back as in some unconsious way you feel safer with her, I know I did with my usual instructor. Its strange, any new instructor even if they are lovely it takes ages for you to feel comfortable with them if you know what I mean. Hang in there and take one day at a time.