What it feels like.. nervous morning.

[kya]

Flutter in the chest, short of breath and all because...

1. Blue was out in spring grazing yesterday and is acting like he had four or five Cokes this morning. Had a right time catching him.

2. Didn't ride yesterday when I could have.

3. Buddy going out on her horse in same forest, worried I might meet her galloping by on a cross track.

It's strange how the fear can reach out and grab you. Still going, but not happy right now.

Kya.

[kya]

Fifteen minutes later. Arms aching. Called buddy and asked her where she is riding today. Tried to not be put off by 'going galloping/jumping etc.' hero stuff (not her fault- my nerves speaking). Now bringing myself around by thinking of my role model Michael Peace... love his gentle riding style and secondly, I WILL NOT let Blue suffer my nerves. Must be banished and moving slowly and confidently by the time I tack up.

He's in a sleep coma right now... not exactly something my fear can feed off!

Just though this diary would demonstrate what happens to Kanga in this situations.

[HFM]

hope it all went ok?! let us know!

[kya]

Well here I am. Once aboard, no time to indulge myself with fretting as Blue was bouncing out of his skin at every bird in the hedgerow (and that was on the avenue out!) Did the forestry first and- can't believe it- cantered him on the long flat track dispite nerves. Had to keep his head up out of bucking mode and drive on, but we did it. Then asked him not to nap home and went for another three mile walk and trot with tree felling, frolicking cattle in hedgerow and really nasty huge tipping lorry in a farmyard. Had to ride, no time to freak, but that was a tough one. Had to kick myself for slipping into comparing what I could do with my buddy. She went up to the sand gallops near her for a race around. I still just don't feel safe with her, it's like an accident waiting to happen- or is that my fear talking?? Anyway, home, not sure why I do this to myself sometimes, but gave 110%.

[Casper]

Blooming well done you! I thought I did well today to keep Bobby moving round the school and under control when a couple of horses went trotting down the track which is right by one end of our school - and then see this thread and as ever am in total awe! You really are out there and doing stuff most people would back off from hun, I know I would. So well done. And if your gut instinct/inner voice says don't go out with your friend if it feels like an accident waiting to happen - then just DON'T do it. Trust yourself and do what is right for you and Blue.

Well done again Kanga, you are both stars x

[em&ed]

Good Grief Kanga! How brave was that??? I think you are doing marvellous to go out on your own and do all that stuff... I would steer clear of your mate for the time being, as it sounds like you are doing better in your twosome for now

pretty soon - you'll be leaving us behind here in the confidence section!! lol ;D

[kya]

I don't know about that. I think I need a weeks intensive terror... I'm trying to persuade OH to fund a holiday (first in years!) to blast the demons out of me. Thanks for the support. Just wanted to walk you through my process, in case it helps anyone. The visualisation of Michael Peace smiling and riding on a long rein, plus the knowledge that my giddiness has no place around horses, gives me a mental boot up the jaxy.

[pebblesgirl]

echo everyone else matey,sounds like you are doing brilliantly! Dont be so hard on yourself,you are doing a great job xx ;D

[giftgirl]

well done!!michael peace is real inspiration- we have a little book about his methods
you sound like you did really well- i have a mate like that and i havnt ridden with her for a while, and i am slowly getting better on my own without having to endure endless gallops, so you go girl!
well done xx

[sandy]

Well done Kanga. I ummed and arghed about riding in our big fields this morning cos the poor old stomach was doing somersaults but I got tacked up and just thought 'oh go for it'. Don't know why I was worrying cos Poppy was her usual sensible self - she just had to put up with a singing, talking blithering wreck of a rider.........Actually I quite enjoyed it!

[angblue]

kanga please send some of your endless confidence my way!
Can't do anything but admire you, I would have been a wreck doing that on my tod!
The "I will not let blue suffer my nerves" has me thinking that yes I know my blue needs his confidence from me so I too must try to overcome this "thing" for his sake too
Echo emined I honestly think you are a confident rider & just need to believe it too ;D

[kya]

God, I don't think so Angblue. I'm driven, but I'm petrified of my dream scenarios... ie. Charity rides, galloping with other riders around, small hunter trials. Speed terrifies me, and I have trouble trusting other riders to be honest. Regarding the other matter.... yes, I have noticed that even Michael Peace, is absoloutely clear about this... Fear has no place around horses. We just cannot allow ourselves to show our nerves around our horses as far as possible. I find this grounding. That sense of responsibility to the horse and their sense of safety and education. Having bought a horse to 'look after me' in a way, I've changed my mind completely. First and foremost I have to look after him.

I borrowed a horse two years ago and came off her twice (17.2, quite a fall) but looking back, I put myself in a bad situation and let myself fall and unforgivably, I let go of the reins without a second thought. She was a schoolmaster mare, but went into a lather before we even left home. It wasn't all my fault, and she has a stroke two weeks after I returned her, so as I suspected she wasn't well.

I don't want Blue to be a result of my incompetant riding. Riding in company etc., he needs that just as much as I do, which is why I was so upset when he rodeoed when we had a go last week. Bit confused as to what to do next, and may send him off somewhere where someone with stickability and real nerve can take him out with a bunch of other horses regularly. Angblue... I am a wreck! Just don't tell my horse! You should see me smiling and waving at passing friends etc. What a performance!!

[kya]

Sandy... blathering wreck singing... yes I know her... Blue gets this old folk song, something about a young maid singing... or rather an old hag bawling! Well done to you.

[wozzer]

Kanga - you remind me of that book "Feel the Fear and Do it Any Way". ;D

I am also reminded of something said on here, I think it was Caspar, that quoted: about being a "dependable leader for your horse". I like that. We have to be the confidant leader - and pretend to be even when we're not.

I also admit to doing the "oh I won't ride today, it's a bit windy/he looks a bit fresh/it's too hot/too cold stuff". Who am I kidding

I must admit that I have "friends" who, when I am watching them, frighten me. They don't seem to have the skill or experience to attempt the stuff they do, yet they still do it. I'm all about doing stuff within my capabilities, and "planning for succcess". It isn't that these people have fallen off whilst I have been there, but I just know that, one of these days ..........

Keep riding hun, you know you want to, and we love being inspired by you

[kya]

Thanks for that. Longer journey than I expected, that's all. Pulled a few muscles yesterday surpressing tension. Just picked up a book on the Alexander Technique and riding Fascinating.