relationship help needed!

[ms anoni ms]

OK, crunch time is approaching. Some of you may remember my post on the old board entitled 'Ive met someone else'. In a nutshell, met someone through work, he was engaged (due to marry in December), I was living with someone, (been together 14 years). We started to see each other after work as 'friends' but we both knew things would develop, so we stopped seeing each other. That lasted a week. Since then I have left my OH and he has cancelled his wedding and is about to move out from his OH for a 'trial separation', but he isn't intending to go back. So basically, he is about to give things a go with me. He loves me and I love him. We are meant to be together. It feels so right.

However, I havent told him a major thing. I have fertility problems. It's not guaranteed that I cant have kids, but it's not guaranteed that I can either and the likelihood is I will need treatment. Kids are very important to him (and me). The only thing Ive said to him is I'm worried there may be a problem cos Ive never got pregnant by accident and Id need him to be strong if there was a problem. I havent told him I've had a diagnosis.

When do I tell him? If I tell him now, it may sway him not to make that final jump. If I don't, he may never forgive me for keeping it from him. I can't bear the thought of losing him, and I know he needs to know, but when?

I spent the whole of last night weeping after my mum told me I can't let him leave someone who can give him children for me who possibly can't. I don't feel like a real woman as it is, and that comment just floored me.

[bhpride]

Surely if he loves you it shouldn't matter, if it does then he's not the one. Speak to him now rather than later I'm sure it'll be fine

[rosemaryhannah]

I think it is a total disaster to start a new relationship on the basis of deceit. I can see your distress, but I think it comes down to trusting him enough to tell him. And suppose you did not tell him, what would you say when the Dr said: 'well as we told you in 1998 ...' and supposing he was there?

Tell him, honey, and get his support through it all.

[Lucymj]

You have to tell him now. As it is (and i am sorry if this sounds harsh) the relationship has had a foundation of lies and deceit. If he loves you it will not be a problem at all. If it is a problem, better to find out now than further down the line when it will only hurt you both more. Good luck xxx

[trallwmfarm sanctuary]

He is already being dishonest with his partner by not telling her the truth,that he is going off permanently with someone else.You are being dishonest by not telling him the truth about your fertility.
It sounds like you feel the insecurity of this relationship already.as for you "havent got pregnant by accident " It sounds like you have been trying to "accidentally " get pregnant which is totally different.
It would all sound warning bells to me.Are you happy with all this and can you see it lasting ?

[Stella]

[glow=red,2,300]TELL HIM NOWWWWW !!! [/glow]I disagree BIG TIME with the poster who said that if he loves you it doesn't matter - it may matter very, very much, particularly as you have withheld this info from him, knowing that you may not be able to have kids.
The time to have told him was when you were having the conversation about how important kids are to you both, & if I was him, I would feel pretty upset that you didn't bring it up then.
I don't mean to be harsh, but you really DO need to tell him ASAP.
He may love you enough for it not to matter, but it may be a very big issue for him.

Coo, what a tangled web we weave(THT) eh ?!

[ms anoni ms]

I haven't been trying to get pregnant by accident, that's not the case. It's just that I wanted to sort of raise the issue with him to see how he responded. I am getting treatment for the syndrome I have and so far results are positive. He knows I have the syndrome, he just doesnt know it affects my ovaries, so it won't be too big a step to explain it all in more detail.

The thing is, I have told him all along that he must leave his OH for HIM and not for me. I don't want him blaming me if it doesn't work between us and saying it was all my fault. We aren't going to be moving in together or making any comitments- we are just going to be in a posiiton where we can see how it goes and see each other without having to sneak around, so it's not like it's wedding bells or 'settling down' together time. We're going to be at the dating and seeing each other at weekends stage.

If he wasnt with someone else and we had met each other in less stressful circumstances, I wouldnt be telling him until he had shown some kind of commitment to me in the form of suggesting we move in together. So I dont see why it should be any different in this situation. Who's to say he can have kids himself- or that his current OH can? At least I know my situation and can plan ahead to try and deal with it.

If he told me he had a problem, I wouldn't not be with him- I would think my way round it and look at treatment options and adoption and I expect he will do the same when I tell him. I just need to keep telling him to make sure he is leaving her for himself and because he knows it isnt right between them. I know I have been the catalyst, but I only showed him how different his life could be if he was with someone he is truly compatible with.

He hasnt said he wants to have children with me- the conversation didnt go like that. What he said was he really wants kids cos that's what life is all about and I said, there's nothing I'd like more. So it's not as if he's saying come on, Im leaving my OH and we're going to be together forver and start a family together asap. he's saying I think I love you and I'll regret it for the rest of my life if I dont give us the chance to see if things could work between us. It's a different slant, don't you think?

[speedy]

I still think you should tell him. Tell him like you told us - that you're having treatment, but you don't know if it will work or not, and that there's a chance you won't be able to have children. Tell him that you know he's leaving his OH for him and not for you but you didn't want to deceive him.

I've got a friend with an STD and she was soooooo worried about when to tell her OH etc etc - she plumped for sooner rather than later and he's been great about it. I think if she'd left it too long he would've resented her for it. Her OH can't have kids, but she really wants kids and there was a lot of soul searching that went on there too - she REALLY loved him, but it was a really difficult decision for her to give up possible future children to be with him - but she has and they're really happy together.

I'm sure he'll be really supportive and accepting, but if he isn't then surely it's better to know now before things get serious?

Good luck x

[fin]

Hmmm.... If I were you on your next visit to the doc's I'd suddenly 'find out' that this syndrome might affect your fertility. Then I'd tell him. That way it wouldn't look as though you've been with holding information, but you'll have told him the truth.

Poor you. Hope it works out x

[ms anoni ms]

Finn, you got me thinking and I took your advice- told him I'd suspected it for a while, but now it was confirmed.

He was an absolute star. He said it didnt worry him in the slightest. He said I was one step ahead already cos I have just lost a lot of weight, so I'm already helping myself.
He said none of us know for sure that we can have children and the way he sees it is that there are so many kids out there who need adopting that some of us must have been sent here to be their mums and dads, musn't we? So if we couldnt get pregnant, that's what we'd do. He said we'll work through it and if you're with the right person then these things are all ok, however they work out, and I mustn't worry.

I'm so glad that I told him. Can you see why I like him so much?!! He is an absolute star.

[Lucymj]

Hang on to that 'un ms anoni ms!!! Brilliant news and he sounds like a really nice guy... Thanks for the update xxx

[anon4this]

Hi. Have read your post with interest. I'm glad things seem to be Ok for you and wish you both all the best for the future. I first met my OH about 1992 when we were both seeing other people. We had a sort of on and off fling and would see each other now and again over a few months. It then fizzled out. I saw a few other people, he was still with the same girl as before. (in total he was with her 13 years and ended up marrying her). By chance we met up again in 1996. Shortly after, he left her, after being married for less than 2 years and we've now been together 9 years and have a 6 year old child. But he has always said, he'll never get married again, I'm not too bothered as I'm happy the way we are, but I always think that she had that and I never will.

[Lucymj]

I also met my Husband when we were both in long term relationships. Both were already having problems and coincidentally they both ended at the same time. Within a week oh and i were an item, although both relationships were doomed to failure before we met anyway. There was no overlap though but i still think we were both on the rebound a bit! Lucky for us it turned out okay and have been married a year last month! Good luck op xxx

[maislow]

oh bless him what a star!! Hope it all goes really well for you.