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Choice?
Aug 28, 2005 21:47:12 GMT 1
Post by Sad on Aug 28, 2005 21:47:12 GMT 1
1. Stay with the man you love and who is kind and understanding about horses, in an area you hate to live in and a house you don't like. He is happy there and won't, I mean really won't move. 2. Live in a small place on the same property as your horses, but on your own. Like a dream come true apart from the fact that your loved one won't live there with you.
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Choice?
Aug 28, 2005 21:49:27 GMT 1
Post by ooo_banana on Aug 28, 2005 21:49:27 GMT 1
i would choose the 1st one but realy no-one can help you with this choice only you know whats best & more secure! gd luck
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Choice?
Aug 28, 2005 22:05:24 GMT 1
Post by LE on Aug 28, 2005 22:05:24 GMT 1
1st one
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Choice?
Aug 28, 2005 22:07:57 GMT 1
Post by Sad on Aug 28, 2005 22:07:57 GMT 1
If he cared as much for me as i do for him wouldn't he want to come with me? I've no security there (it's left to his daughter in his will), I hate the place and isn't life too short sometimes?
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Choice?
Aug 28, 2005 22:20:21 GMT 1
Post by shirleynw on Aug 28, 2005 22:20:21 GMT 1
not something we can help you with really. You have to work out the decision for yourself and you have my sympathy as it sounds a difficult situation.
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Choice?
Aug 29, 2005 11:58:30 GMT 1
Post by touchstone on Aug 29, 2005 11:58:30 GMT 1
A house though at the end of the day is only bricks and mortar - you can make it more homely by stamping your mark on it. I think many people would love to be in your situation, you have someone who you love and loves you, you have your horses and you would want to swap it for a house you would like , but leave the man you love? I know there was one particular person who wae worked with that nobody could stand (call this your current house!!) We all moaned about him and everything he did irritated us, so we moaned some more until we started to build up a real hatred. A friend said that there must be something we could find to like about him, perhaps he had a nice smile? No we all replied, awful teeth! And so it went on, everything she suggested we could find fault with, until we came to his socks, well she said, he must have some nice socks! Well, this made us all giggle a bit, because he always wore odd socks as he was colour blind. When our friend saw this, she said well there you go, you have found something amusing to like about him, and everytime we thought of him, she suggested to think of these socks. The bottom line was that we did become less arritated by him, our dislike lessened and we eventually found him quite alright to be around, and when there was a crisis, he was the one who was there to help others. Really though, he hadn't changed, it was our attitude to him that had, the only person we had been hurting by feeling dilike and resentment towards him was ourselves. I guess if you try and find one thing even if it is only a tiny thing that you appreciate about this house instead of hating it, then you may be able to feel more at home, as then you can find something else about it which you like and so it goes on. I hope you get sorted, best wishes.
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Choice?
Aug 29, 2005 18:24:29 GMT 1
Post by Sad on Aug 29, 2005 18:24:29 GMT 1
You are helping, but maybe not in the way you expect. Reading what you say makes me think that I love him so much I'm prepared to compromise on something that means a huge deal to me - to be with him. But does he love me as much? I'm only asking to move about 20 miles away to a beautiful place in the country, a life-long dream of mine, but he won't even discuss it. He could keep his house by renting it out, but I would gain some security for the future. As I stand at the moment if anything happens to him his daughter inherits the house and I'm out on my ear. I could be too old by then to pick myself up and start again, and maybe I wouldn't get the chance to live my dream again at that stage. But if I settle myself (and him - but he won't go!) in this other place then god forbid anything happens to him then I have some level of security and my entire life doesn't fall down around my ears. I'm at the stage in my life when I know it isn't always going to be so easy to pick up my life, go get a better paid job or whatever was needed. I feel like I could miss my only chance to live my dream and in 15/20 years could really regret it. So I'm prepared to sacrifice a huge thing for me to be with him, but it doesn't go both ways.
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Choice?
Aug 29, 2005 18:35:28 GMT 1
Post by amma on Aug 29, 2005 18:35:28 GMT 1
definately choice 2. when you are there and settled with your horses your OH will come to you if he realy loves you andif he desnt then hes not worth sacrificing yourself for which is what is hapenng at the moment.
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Choice?
Aug 29, 2005 20:07:45 GMT 1
Post by ooo_banana on Aug 29, 2005 20:07:45 GMT 1
why doesn't he want 2 move there?
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Lydia00
Olympic Poster
I have nothing to fear; and here my story ends. My troubles are all over, and I am at home.
Posts: 922
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Choice?
Aug 29, 2005 20:57:07 GMT 1
Post by Lydia00 on Aug 29, 2005 20:57:07 GMT 1
2
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polly
Advanced Poster
Posts: 444
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Post by polly on Aug 30, 2005 8:02:22 GMT 1
OP, I really understand your dilemma especially in regard to living your dream and most particularly in regard to your future security. I presume you`ve talked about these feelings with your OH? Does part of you feel that you`re living in his house, on his terms with your own needs and desires not understood? It`s a difficult decision you face and I don`t envy your position. Dreams are important to have, they give incentive and drive, an goal to strive for. But they can change and develop within the circumstances we find ourselves in, without losing any of the original intent. In making your decision, just be very sure that you`re willing to risk losing the love of a good man in order to achieve your dream. Life can be very lonely and dreams an empty echo without love. I wish you all the best in making this difficult choice. Take care. Touchstone, I loved your post!
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Anna*
Olympic Poster
IH Member
Posts: 923
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Post by Anna* on Aug 30, 2005 8:27:31 GMT 1
Just a thought but, if you decide to stay with your OH, you'll need to talk to him about the future - and your security. What if you stay together forever but he dies at 90 and you live to be 105. You could be 'out on your ear' then.
Could you buy and rent out your perfect country home just so it's there in case you need / want it?
I have to say that I'd be tempted to go for the house but I have quite an understanding OH. When we were living in East London, and working in the Music Business, I suddenly decided that I wanted to sell flat/give up job and move to the country where I could have horses again...he just agreed...!
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touchstone forgot to log on
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Choice?
Aug 30, 2005 10:47:28 GMT 1
Post by touchstone forgot to log on on Aug 30, 2005 10:47:28 GMT 1
Hi, I think you are answering your own problem by feeling insecure about whether your feelings for him are reciprocated by him. Although love is a precious and valuable thing, you do need to be practical, and communication definately needs to be established regardeing your future should anything happen to him. Make it clear that you don't expect his daughter to lose out, but that you also need security. Tell him that you have made sacrifices to be with him, and why would he not be prepared to do likewise for you. If the answer really is that he does not love you in the same way then you have your answer, as hard as it may be to accept, I think that underneath when we have a dream we want to follow and don't then we will always live with regrets. I think most situations are resolved by an element of compromise on both sides, but in this case if he won't then you will have to make the decision yourself. As Polly has said though, life can be very lonely, even when you get what you want if there's no-one to share it with! The issue I think is less about moving and more to do with whether he truly loves you. I think you will have to be brutally honest with him and tell him exactly what you are thinking and feeling to get any further forwards. God bless xx
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Choice?
Aug 30, 2005 12:36:02 GMT 1
Post by Equally Sad on Aug 30, 2005 12:36:02 GMT 1
Gosh that could almost be me who wrote that Sad. I am in a very similar situation, although I don't have my dream home in the country as an option, if I had that opportunity I know what I would do, and it certainly wouldn't involve staying here in this hell-hole with no security! Life is far too short and you only have one go at it, so go for your dream. You never know, if he really loves you he may follow you.
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Choice?
Aug 30, 2005 15:11:43 GMT 1
Post by Sad on Aug 30, 2005 15:11:43 GMT 1
Well, the house is a hell hole in a grotty area but it's his. He says he will leave a clause in his will so that I can live there for as long as I want if anything happens to him but why would I want to live there if he wasn't? If we were married then I suppose I'd inherit it and could at least sell it and go somewhere nicer. I can't afford to live there and pay to have a bolt hole in the country it's one or the other. I understand him wanting to look after his child but I think we have a responsibility to look after each other as well and I contribute a lot to our relationship. If anything happens to me I have left him all my lumps sums from insurance etc. I don't know what to do, but I don't want to be 60 and wishing that just once in my life, even for a few years, I'd lived the wonderful country life with my horses visible from my kitchen that I've always dreamed of and didn't.
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