Seriously need to sort my lack of confidence out. Help!

[kt with Hanni]

Hi everyone,

Cody and I are doing well. I still feel fearful when I ride he's not done anything major at all and some may say we are doing well but I just get so annoyed with myself for not having 'balls' my friend is super confident and she just doesn't understand why I can't just get on with things. Cody is a high alert slightly spooky horse but nothing more than most I wouldn't say and he's settled in to the new yard really calmly. We've been riding with my friend but before every ride I fill with dread ( she doesn't know this as she wouldn't understand) now I'm fine on the road. Even after last week when my friends horse who hates lorries danced in the road and spooked Cody too so he danced a bit. Normally he is fine but I think because my friends horse spooked he felt he should. We'd had a really good ride before that and even cantered side by side. She made me follow her doe a mini Darby bank to which I must have held my breathe ( and Cody!) but he got us down safely.

Why can't I ignore my fear and experiences from my old horse. Open fields/grass make me feel so tense ( because I used to get bucked as he just wanted to go). I wish I could feel excited about riding instead of filling with dread as Cody definitely picks up on his rider. When I'm chilled he is...but why can't I find the confidence to think it will be fine? I haven't ridden alone yet as that fills me with more dread. The dread of falling off and no one being there.

Sorry I feel so pathetic and ridiculous. I definitely lack confidence in general too not believing in myself. I wish I could just take something to help! Any suggestions as horses are supposed to be a pleasure and riding at the mo makes me feel so nervous. He's not done anything bad so I feel awful. It's the vicious 'what ifs' in my head any workshop suggestions etc?

Thanks for listening

[clipclop]

If it's the fear of coming off, my opinion is there are 2 ways to deal with it and both in conjunction are best.

Firstly, what can you do to minimise the risk of falling off? I'm not talking about avoiding doing things but more having lessons to make sure your position is secure and that he is responsive to you. I think (may be wrong) that Derek Clarke said once on here that lack of confidence can be really helped by getting a better position - if your position is secure enough to sit a buck then you are less likely to think of a buck as an issue as you have the tools to deal with it.

Secondly, learn how to fall safely. The reality is that riding and just being around horses is dangerous. But so is driving a car. In a car you have airbags and seatbelts and crumple zones to reduce the likelihood of injury in the event of an accident. On a horse you have a hat, you can wear a body protector and air jacket. You can also go to a martial arts instructor and learn how to hit the ground as safely as possible. It really is worth doing as it reprogrammes your brain into tucking limbs in to a safe position rather than putting a hand down for example.

Do tell your friend though, she may be more understanding than you think.




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[kt with Hanni]

Hi clip clop.

Thanks for you words.

I think my seat is ok although I tend to lean too far forward which I guess used to be to anticipate a buck. Today's ride was ok but didn't finish too well. We were cantering in front and I'm not sure what happened but friend thinks he spooked and I totally tensed and shortened my reins way too much so he pranced around and it felt like a mini rodeo. I stayed on and my friend was shouting give him some rein and push him forward to trot. You can't finish on that note she said. I always ride with a neck strap and strap on my saddle. I wear hat and protector so can't really get much safer body stuff. I should look at the positive that I stayed on and eventually took control but I always focus on the negative. I'm going to arrange appointment with Clare Goldie for NLP stuff. Cody is confused by my signals and I'm not helping him maybe we aren't right for each other but only time will tell. I'll be happy if I can hack out without filling with dread. I'm so pathetic!

I read so many positive phrases like - don't imagine what will go wrong imagine what will go right!

Also the one about having 100 scenarios in my head and 86 of them are made up scenarios that are not even logical.

Wish you could buy confidence!

[Caroline]

May 1, 2014 21:26:45 GMT 1 clipclop said:

You can also go to a martial arts instructor and learn how to hit the ground as safely as possible. It really is worth doing as it reprogrammes your brain into tucking limbs in to a safe position rather than putting a hand down for example.

There is no substitute for attending a martial arts class (I recommend Aikido - particularly for horsepeople, but Jiu Jitsu and Judo and quite a few other styles incorporate break falls), but here are some videos to give you an idea of breakfalls (also called ukimis):

www.youtube.com/watch?v=CQRrpGQWtoo

www.youtube.com/watch?v=YM1Ps9I_ba8

www.youtube.com/watch?v=pCSlY8NOf4c

Breakfalls to go some way to alieviate the fear we naturally feel of hitting the ground, as well as teaching us how to more safely deal with falling. If you really get into something like Aikido, I think it helps confidence in general.

[wills]

Confidence is a funny old thing, since having my son (who is now 2 & 1/2) I have lost mine totally with my horse to the point now ware I just don't ride her at all & the daft thing is I have never come off her so have no reason to feel like this towards her.

It sounds to me like you are doing well - better than you think. Don't give up x

[marychick]

I agree that you should try and be optimistic and not always focus on the "what ifs"....

BUT if you have very real concerns about the "what ifs" then there's no point ignoring them! The more you try to push your fears away the more you actually end up thinking about them and in turn you'll build up anxiety. There was quite a famous study on this whereby researchers took "normal" people and told them not to think of certain things (e.g. don't think of the white bear). The second the participants were told not to think of the item they immediately started thinking of them even though this is not something they were considering before (e.g. an image of a white bear would pop in their head). If you say to someone, don't think of falling off their instinctive reaction would actually be to start thinking about falling off, doesn't matter who they are or what level of ability they have. Then the more you try not to think about it the more you focus on it and anxiety builds and builds.

One of the techniques psychologists use to counteract this is to actively explore the scenario you're worried about in your mind and try to come up with action plans so the "worst case scenario" starts to become something you know you can manage. If you can actively go out and find ways to cope with your fears then they will become less of a worry. For example, learning how to fall means if the worst thing happens and you fall you have empowered yourself to be able to deal with it.

Also having plenty of ridden techniques up your sleeve to deal if Brody reacts to something is great too. Knowing you have a good enough seat to cope with most things he's going to deal with is a great start. Rather than hanging on (which is a great option!!) think how amazing it would feel if you got a seat that you could sit to most things with your arms tied behind your back?! Obviously that's extreme but it's about teaching yourself that you have the tools to cope! Which I'm sure you already do, you just don't realise you do!
Also learning how to bring Brody mentally back to you if he worries is important for both of you. You said shortening your reins made him more worried- how about circling him quietly? Could you get an RA out to teach you some techniques to manage situations like this- however minor they may be it will make you feel more in control! Then you can work on using these techniques whenever he gets at all worried, even if it's a small worry and you will feel more in control and less like you're waiting and hoping!

[portiabuzz]

great advice given just wanted to send hugs xx

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[ruthp]

Hi KT. I know EXACTLY what you are going through, as I have been there too, and it is possible to get through it, but you do have to be very bloody minded! My previous horse was a bolter, and after I bought Bali I found that an injury I had sustained on my last fall from him was more serious than I'd realised, and I had to have surgery and then my arm was in plaster for six months. When I could finally ride again I had totally lost my nerve, to the extent that I was standing on a mounting block throwing up before getting on!

I am now cheerfully riding out by myself, and really enjoying being with Bali, but it has been a long slow journey. There are a number of things that have helped me, and maybe some of the things I list below might help you too.

Firstly, you really need a hacking partner who understands where you are, and who ycan help you. I'm afraid a super confident riding buddy who has never doubted their confidence is not likely to really help you. It's not her fault - I bet you couldn't have imagined feeling the way you do now before you lost your confidence. It isn't rational. This isn't the same horse, he hasn't done anything to give you cause to worry, etc. etc. But all the logic in the world can't change what's going on in your head, or the physical reactions you have to your fear.

So, be really honest with your friend - tell her what's in your head. Explain that you know it isn't rational, and that you need her to help you get through it.

I was lucky to have a friend who really understood, and would go into instructor mode when I really lost the plot. If I got really anxious she would start talking to me, telling me to relax particular bits of my body, which gave me something else to focus on apart from my anxiety.

Have lessons with an instructor you trust. You will concentrate more on what they are telling you to do, and therefore have less room in your head for all the what ifs.

Push yourself a little, but not too much. Do lots if things with Cody that increase you mutual trust. Do groundwork, carrot stretches etc. so that you really get to trust each other.

Every good experience you have with him will help rewrite that bad memory, and one day you'll realise that you have just had a brilliant ride that you really enjoyed.

You will probably never have the same level of confidence that you used to. Your anxiety will always be that little bit closer to the surface than it used to, but you can enjoy riding again if you are prepared to work very hard to get there.

And yes, every time something goes wrong, it will set you back, but maybe not quite back to the beginning. Keep a focus on your achievements. Post on here about them, and share them with us. Celebrating your success really helps the good bits stick in your brain.

Best of luck. I know you can get there, and Bali and I are really rooting for you and Cody!