How do I start what might be.............

[Deleted]

a very uncomfortable conversation?

Let me explain, for some months mow Ihave noticed htat my mum has had a tendency to 'forget' things, jsut little things nothing major, until last week, when out shopping she wanted to make a phone call home and asked me 'whats my home number?'........I didn;t amke a fuss just told her quietly what it was and all was fine again.

I did speak to her GP and explained I was a little concerned about the lapses that have been going on. Again I explained nothing major like leaving empty saucepans on lit stoves or anything like that just the little things. He went through the same thing with his mother. He ahs asekd me to speak to mum about getting a few tests done for the onset of Alzeimers (sp) but how on earth do I start THAT conversation going? Am totally struggling how to word it without her going off hte deep end at me ( I know she will be andgry and hurt at what she sees as going behind her back) but I'm doing this because I love her and I want to keep her healthy for as long as possible, adn if it the onset of THAT I want to be able to make sure she stays in her own home surrounded by family for as long as possible. We wnet through all of this with her mother many years ago and when she stopped recognising any of us that broke our hearts I don;t want my mum to end up like that.

So if anyone has any ideas of how to start what is probably the most difficult conversation of my life with my mum then please all contributions gratefully accepted!

[sophy]

Oh dear, I feel for you Christine. We went through this stage with my mum too. There is no easy way I am afraid. I can only suggest you are upfront with her and say that you are a bit worried about the memory lapses. Does she have to know you have spoken to the doctor already?
As you have already had one member of the family with Alzheimers, perhaps you can suggest that maybe you are worrying too much but just in case etc? It might not be the problem anyway. My mum has eventually been diagnosed with dementia and is now in a home as my sister (who she lived with) just could not understand why mum kept accusing her of stealing her things.
If you do get your mum to take a test, do not be surprised if she does better than you expect. It is incredible how people sort of rise to the occasion when they know they are being tested. I can only send you hugs and hope it is not as bad as you fear.

[Deleted]

The GP has said that if she refuses the tests, then he will wait and gently suggest them to her himself.........but he has made a note on her patient notes as to my concerns, am going to leave things until after christmas and new year and then take a deep breath and jsut spit it out as they say

[gwenoakes]

I feel for you Christine, but I forget things, lots of things, cannot bring words to my mouth that are in my brain and have wondered myself if I am on the 'slippery slope', so to speak.

I dont know anything about the two conditions that you speak of, so havent made any assumptions about myself tbh and not even sure if someone has either of these conditions, whether they know they are forgetting things themselves.

Have a HUGE hug from me. XXX

[jill]

Like Gwen, I have had experience of forgetting this I damn well ought to know - maybe your mum is very aware and unsure whether there is anything she can do about it. Look at it this way - the test might rule dementia of any kind OUT, and she may be relieved to know there is a test and there is treatment if the result is positive. My uncle had medication for his memory loss, it isn't a cure but it does delay things.
Maybe you could broach the subject next times she asks you to remind her of something she should have known?

[specialized]

I agree, I would bring it up when there is an occurrence that opens the door, as it were, rather than just bringing it up randomly - and unless she is aware and happy for you to be discussing her with her GP, I would not tell her that you have had a chat with him before as she may feel there is a betrayal of trust.

[portiabuzz]

Sending to you xxxx that's all I can offer Hun xx

[Deleted]

Hugs from me too, we had this with my great aunt. Sadly her GP was entirely unhelpful so at least it sounds like you'll get more support from your Mum's GP.

I agree with the others, there's no need to tell her you've spoken to the Dr, her Mum's experience gives you a good enough reason to want to make sure your Mum is getting the care she needs.

[portiabuzz]

Hope your ok Christine xxx

[Deleted]

Thanks for all the replies, like I said am going to wait until after Christmas, and play it by ear so to speak.

Mum has been fine since the forgetting the phone number business, might have been a blip but will quietly keep a watchful eye out. Have had a word with siblings, and they all agree we keep a watching brief now and monitor the situation, and not one of them went off the deep end, in fact two of my brothers had had the same idea but I acted first, and we are all agreed that mum whatever happens stays at home for as long as possible and then one of us will look after her, no homes or anything like that ........our mum our responsibilty.

Anyway on a lighter note I wish you all a very Happy Peaceful Christmas and a brilliant 2014 and may Santa bring you all your hearts wishes xxxxxx

[ladyndibs]

So pleased you've been able to talk it over and knowing you all feel the same way will help if it isn't just a blip your mum had.

[happysnail]

Thinking of you. Been through it with grandparents and it's so hard but it's great that you have the support network of your family. Lots of things can cause dementia type symptoms and the testing is so helpful to make sure that you're treating the right thing. It's not just about interventions but about supporting the whole family as well as your mum. Mums are so precious. x

[portiabuzz]

My nana is getting bad but hers is liver toxins building up, she says things over and over and does things then forgets not easy

[portiabuzz]

Sending xx

[taklishim]

Dec 20, 2013 21:01:09 GMT 1 sophy said:

If you do get your mum to take a test, do not be surprised if she does better than you expect. It is incredible how people sort of rise to the occasion when they know they are being tested. I can only send you hugs and hope it is not as bad as you fear.

"this"

I wouldn't say anything to your mother. I am probably a couple of years or more down the road with this one with a 90 year old.
I would suggest the doctor calls her in for blood pressure checks, review her medication or whatever general checks her practice does and suggest he deals with it.

I have hit a total brick wall. I dare not suggest it to mine as the hatred and nastiness would be beyond belief. Mine is at the stage, still living at home with carers coming in, of having people living in the roof, she knows exactly how they get in through a drain pipe. She also has the hospital consultant and his clerical staff living beneath the sitting room floor. Probably difficult when she has concrete floors but we have to keep very quiet so they don't hear us.
We have changed the door locks so many times as the neighbour keeps breaking in, he unscrews the french windows to get in and one night she heard him using the loo and telling his acomplice to make sure he flushed it According to the police this is all pretty common.

She recently fractured her hip and was hospitalised. She does not remember breaking it but wants us to make a formal complaint to the hospital about her treatment as she was fine when she went in. Her treatment was in fact excellent. She doesn't believe she ever broke it and is full of resentment the ambulance was called. She told us she fell, was lying on the hall floor overnight but she got up and went to make a cup of tea as she was perfectly happy lying on the floor. She was in fact in so much pain the ambulance men had difficulty getting her onto a stretcher.
Whilst in hospital I explained my concerns to the staff about dementia (famiily history of it) and they did a brain scan, gave her a test which they say she scored badly in and she says she scored perfectly. They later arranged for her to visit a consultant for more dementia type tests. Her only comment to us was that she passed them all.

The hosital and social workers are quite happy for her to live alone with carers coming in and it seems she will have to be VERY much further down the line before they advise anything else. The doctor won't tell me what the real state of play is as under data protection he doesn't not have my mother's authority and she is hardly likely to give it.

I wish you luck as there appears to be no way out of this difficult sort of situation. My mother is able to "con" the outside world. She is not nasty or mean to them as she is to me. If any of the carers tell me once more what a charming, lovely little old lady I have for a mother I will scream. They only see her for 30 mins or so and she seems able to put on an act for them as I have no doubt she did for the consultant.

I hope you get on better than we have. On a practical level I would try and get a power of attorney. Mine totally refused. Now she is mentally unable to. Not being able to deal with her affairs is going to cause almightly problems in what is already a difficult time.
good luck