|
Post by ruthp on Nov 26, 2013 11:46:43 GMT 1
Now, before I start - please understand this is not meant to be a "poor sad me" thread! I am generally quite happy in my isolation, but it has occurred to me that sometimes I can be a bit lonely, and maybe, as I get older, this may become more of an issue.
So, to explain. I'm not very good at making friends, and I'm hopeless at hanging onto them! I think my default assumption is that people don't want to be friends with me, so unless they make an effort I assume they don't want to know, and so I don't contact them. It's much easier to be self sufficient that it is to be rejected. I'm 49 years old this week, and looking back I think this goes right back to school. When I was 13 we moved from London to the Midlands, and I obviously had to change schools. I was viciously bullied for the next three years, and had no friends at all. I learnt to be pretty independent, spending my weekends with my dog or at a local sailing club where I learnt to sail, and generally fitted in OK (I'm pretty good at at sailing!). I never went to parties, or out with anyone from school.
At 16 I went to boarding school where I pretty much kept myself to myself - I was the only new girl into the 6th form, so friendships and cliques were pretty well established and it was easier to stay out of the way. At university I had lots of "acquaintances" but few real "friends" - and I'm no longer in touch with anyone from that time. Again, sailing was my refuge.
Jumping forward to now - I have an amazing home, with dogs, cats and horses, and a fantastic and lovely husband. We've been together for 24 years, and we're very happy. However, he works away from home most of the week, and I work from home. The house is on the edge of a village, down a long drive, so I never see anyone passing, and I can quite easily go all week without seeing another soul.
We moved here 14 years ago, and initially I made quite an effort to get involved with the village. I volunteered to work on the local parish magazine but was rebuffed with a sort of "we don't like incomers" attitude which immediately put me back in my box! So here I am, 14 years on. I know a couple of the neighbours who are lovely, but that's about it. I've recently started going to a Pilates class once a week, which is a big step for me, but otherwise I don't go out. I occasionally ride with someone who lives a few miles away, but generally I ride alone.
I'm perfectly competent in social situations - I can talk and smile and generally be pleasant, but it never seems to go beyond that. When I hear about people my age having friends they've known all their lives I am jealous!
I know this is my fault - I haven't made the effort. I also know that I'm probably too late to create those sort of friendships now, but it would be lovely to have a group of friends to hang around with.
So guys - what advice can you offer this hopeless isolationist?
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2013 12:14:48 GMT 1
Ruth you are not on your own...............I think most people don't have a huge circle of friends at all............I have three very good and trusted friends who I can tell anything to but as we all live far apart from each other getting together and meeting up is problematical to say the least...........2 live abroad and 1 lives in Wales ( I do go and see her once a year).......I htink most of us have 'acquaintances' and 'people we know'.
Why not advertise and see if you can find a hacking out buddy there must be someone else near you who rides out and might want a partne, or see what evening classes catch your attention.
I know what its like living in a village..........it seems the same group of people run everything and if you offer to help then you get greeted with raised eyebrows and you get ignored! The only time the Parish COuncil needed my help was in organising the Jubilee beacon celebrations and that was because someone pointed out to them I had all the contacts they needed, and they were pretty upset they had to come and ask me to help them out...........which I did and not a word of thanks for it either I might add!
ANd you're not alone really you have us lot ...........one of the girls in the village is very like you happy with her own company most of the time, but she joined a burlesque dancing class just for a giggle and to get her out once a week, she now has the most amazing crazy group of girls to hang out with.........am thinking of signing up for the next classes!
|
|
|
Post by troop on Nov 26, 2013 13:46:09 GMT 1
Coming from the village homewrecker (ladies bewary lol) i can kind of understand where you are coming from but i do have one friend that i have had since i was 7 and she lives so far away i hardly get to see her. People here are aquaintances. I like to think of the people i work with as good aquaintances but its not the same. My best friend here is my partner. So i guess you could say the same for your hubby? I tend not to join in either if i can help it but sometimes get dragged out reluctantly. I like my own company or the company of my animals. I also like spending time on here its the easier way of getting to chat without the scary side of getting out there. I dont like to mix with the village stuff there is a big language barrier here to so that doesnt help. I dont reckon there is anything wrong with not having a huge group of people to hang out with. Friendships do take effort though but me and Suzy can not be in touch for ages and still get back on track. Perhaps you could make an extra push to keep in touch with anyone that does come along that keeps your interest
|
|
|
Post by lizpurlo on Nov 26, 2013 15:44:59 GMT 1
Ruth, I really know where you're coming from on this one, being in similar circumstances myself. I hated school and college, and have lost touch with everyone from these days long since - although I did find one of my school friends on FB recently. That was quite interesting - we exchanged emails for a bit, and she sent me pics of school reunions, and I recognised no-one, though the names were familiar! I have no desire to see any of them again, tbh, though it would be quite interesting to find out how their lives worked out. My only childhood pal rings me up about once a year, and we have a natter, and that's about it. I'm not one of life's joiners-in, at all, and I seem to be getting even more anti-social the older I get! Like you I'm alone here through the week, though as it's a working farm there's always a couple of fellas to chat to about sheep and collies and so on, , and my lovely man is my best mate. I work from home too, and I love meeting my customers, and the highlight of my year is my biggest tradestand in September, and I chat to people all that weekend, which is great - and that's about it. The danger, I think, is sliding into depression without really being aware of it, and I think that has happened to me - I found myself not wanting to talk to anyone, even a couple of really nice local people whom I really like. I only wanted to be with my man, and the rest of the world could go hang.... things have improved recently though, as my business has picked up once more thankfully, and I'm feeling much more as if I'm part of the human race again. I don't feel deprived because I've virtually no 'old' friends - just don't feel I'd know what on earth to talk to them about, once we'd exchanged school memories! I have a lovely new local (ish) friend thanks to the DG, and I truly value her friendship and thoroughly enjoy her company, because of course we have horses and IH methods in common - which is a great start. I've also started meeting up regularly with a FB 'friend' and she's lovely too - again we have our FB interest in common - and that's working out really well for us both. She's a young mum, and I'm, er, a bit of an old biddy nowadays, and it's so nice to chat to someone whose world is so different to mine. I don't feel jealous of anyone with lots of friends - I'd much rather have just one or two good 'uns, and my lovely man, and plenty of animals around. I was badly hurt by someone whom I thought was a friend about ten years ago, and I think that's the reason for my retreating - I was horrified to hear what she was saying about me to the people I knew well then, and my reaction was just to back off and let them all get on with it, without me. Better off safe here in my own world, with occasional sorties out to see real buddies, I reckon.
|
|
|
Post by jill on Nov 27, 2013 12:23:42 GMT 1
Blimey. I thought it was just me. I do find it difficult when someone who has been a friend for years seems to not want to keep the contact going - after me making all the phone calls/emails for a year or three I will sometimes wait and see when or even whether they do. If they don't, they weren't the friend I had thought they were, but at my age and not being part of a couple it is difficult to meet and make new friends.
|
|
|
Post by HolsBols on Nov 27, 2013 15:49:47 GMT 1
Now i would say i am extremely lucky because i have more than a handful of really good friends... but i actually dont see any of them for months at a time! Nor do i regularly speak to them via phone, text or email in between seeing them, but they are good friends because when i do see them it is like picking up the conversation where we left off.
My OH is without doubt my best friend, because i do everythign with him and even when i am feelin unsociable, he is the one i can still stand to be around. I love my animals, and i am well known with my OH's family to much prefer being with animals than humans (and my OH regularly calls me antisocial because there are days when i just dont want to speak or see anyone-yes i am a depression/anxiety sufferer but this isnt that, it is simply i dont want to have to put on my pretend face instead of feeling how i really feel) This is from a family that need to phone or pop over to see each other every day without fail.
But this is my life, i dont think ill ever see one of my friends without saying "we really shouldnt leave it so long next time" because we had such a fabulous time and realise why we are good friends in the first place, and i think people put too much emphasis on a friendship needing to be a regular thing. If you feel hopeless at hanging on to your friends, then maybe you are trying too hard? All you need to do is once in a blue moon, say fancy meeting up for a drink/dinner/cup of tea etc etc and even if you see them every 6 months, you will have a nice time!
My oldest friend is someone i went school with, but we fell out of touch at school and only got in touch 4 years ago. The rest are all old work colleagues. Im only 26 years old, so i will probably get worse with time haha but im happy to see my friends only occassionally, and they arent any less than my best friends int he world because i see them 2 or 3 times a year-if anything to me it proves how strong our friendship is!
|
|
|
Post by maryanne on Nov 27, 2013 19:44:26 GMT 1
Ruth-I can relate to so much of what you say! I have no real friends but have a lovely husband & a great home with two cats People at work think I'm lying when I say I have no friends but it's true. Like you I'm sociable when I'm out & do Pilates once a week. I feel I'm just a confident independent individual who is happy & comfortable with my own company. Nothing to be ashamed of!
|
|
|
Post by rosemaryhannah on Nov 27, 2013 19:53:42 GMT 1
It is never too late to make a new friend, never. And one is never too old. However, it is I think helpful to have it clear that there are different kinds of freinds. The ones almost as close as a husband/wife. Those one will never lose but will struggle to have in one's life for ever. Then the good freinds who share an interest, who one may only contact from time to time, but then enjoy to the full. Then, the friends of a life stage - other mothers, grannies, people in small businesses. Friends who are good to spend time with, but where if you lose touch, well, you do. Then there acquaintance, people who are interesting, pleasant, but no more.
Never start by offering to do things, always start by asking to learn something. 'Can you teach me how you ...' is a sure-fire opener.
Value them all, but know who is which.
Occasionally friendship comes like a bolt from the blue - as powerful as a love affaire, and as unexpected. Grab it with both hands when it does and rejoice.
|
|
|
Post by Liz on Nov 27, 2013 20:22:55 GMT 1
Rosemaryhannah has made some very good points - she often does I have no friends from my schooldays and younger life bar one from junior school who reconnected with me via Friends Reunited some years ago. She lives in Key West and I see her when ever she visits the UK to see her Mum who still lives in our Wiltshire hometown which I left with my family when I was 16 to live in Cornwall. I also went to a grammar school a fair way from my home (travelled daily for 30 miles each way!) so had no school friends at home. I am fortunate to have a handful of close friends and I've known them for over 30 years and met them through work - we all had a common interest - horses, of course. We meet up every month for lunch and I visit from time to time but they scattered around the county! I have another handful of good friends who are, without exception, associated in one way and another with horses. Again, I do not see them every day but we are always pleased to see each other. They range in age from 40 to 80 and I'm an honourary aunt to 6 of their children - only 4 are still little. I do like socialising but I'm not someone who lights up a room when I enter. I like to chat and listen - I'm a good listener The thing is with my friends is that if any of us are in trouble we can share our problems knowing that out thoughts and feelings are safe with them. We've kept each other sane (ish!) over the years. My handful of close friends have seen me through some extremely traumatic times over the years and I thank God for them. I hope I've helped them, too. I do have a wide circle of acquaintances around the country - some met through this DG and they are lovely, lovely folk. Almost all of my acquaintances have a connection with horses - quelle surprise! I met them through work, riding clubs and even just out riding! I have a super friend who I met when hacking out many years ago and we regularly met up for a long hack. We see each other quite a lot and have been on holiday a few times. I do have a few non-horsey friends but they tend to be men and I've sadly lost a lot of male friends over the years through illness. I cannot believe that 6 of my best men friends died rather young - a couple were former boyfriends who remained close buddies! So sad. Friendship cannot be forced - I got to know my friends gradually over a few years. It sounds strange but I live in a village and have no real friends here! I have good neighbours and we would help each other out in an emergency but that's it.
|
|
|
Post by portiabuzz on Dec 5, 2013 10:39:43 GMT 1
my oldest friends are 2 people i grew up with, sometimes we dont speak for months and months but they are always there for you ruth
|
|
|
Post by julz on Dec 7, 2013 19:08:15 GMT 1
I've just been told that atleast 5 people I had on my friends list on FB aren't actually my friends at all.. (why they accepted the requests then I have no idea)they have been bitching behind my back, and really do not want me walking a dog (im a dog walker) up past the field one of them has, and gets increasingly annoyed when I still do it.. I never actually realised just how big a problem it was, I have been accused of all sorts but when I try to have a say I get called a liar... TBH I'd rather have no friends than have people like that around me... incidently all of them will say hello should they see me... then bitch when I'm gone. I think I will just leave them too it...
I do have friends.. One is from my school days and we see each other about once a week for a dog walk, but my dog seems to think she is her friend more than she is mine lol.
you could have a look on the net to see if there is a friendship forum you could join (another friend did that after her marriage broke up, and her friends had dispersed, she has now met another bloke (wasn't intended) and went out on some get togethers..
|
|
pip
Grand Prix Poster
Posts: 3,797
|
Post by pip on Dec 7, 2013 23:48:52 GMT 1
You are not alone! My daughter keeps asking me what I did with my friends when I was her age. Well I didn't because I didn't have any! My "best friend" I met when we were 3 - we were both "surprises" with much older sisters. She has lived abroad for years now but when we meet it is as if we just start again from where we left off. I have older sisters, so I suppose I didn't have to make any effort to get friends to do things with as my sisters were always around when I was growing up.
Apart from that - the I would say is my current best friend I met - wait for it - by joining a committee. I really think that "doing things" together is the only way to make friends as an adult. Now, I have a lot of acquantancies from my 20s when I was in the YFC and still see quite a few of those 30 years on, so in that respect I probably have a wider circle than lots of people. But if I had to sit down and say "who are my friends?" I can think of this particular lady - who has a vast circle and I am only one of many - and apart from that the only people I have met is from being on a riding club committee. So we do horsey things together, but I don't think I would tell them any personal problems.
But if you say a friend is someone who you would socialise with, go to the cinema, have a meal out, go for a shopping trip, then no I haven't.
|
|
|
Post by portiabuzz on Dec 9, 2013 13:58:01 GMT 1
I've just been told that atleast 5 people I had on my friends list on FB aren't actually my friends at all.. (why they accepted the requests then I have no idea)they have been bitching behind my back, and really do not want me walking a dog (im a dog walker) up past the field one of them has, and gets increasingly annoyed when I still do it.. I never actually realised just how big a problem it was, I have been accused of all sorts but when I try to have a say I get called a liar... TBH I'd rather have no friends than have people like that around me... incidently all of them will say hello should they see me... then bitch when I'm gone. I think I will just leave them too it... I do have friends.. One is from my school days and we see each other about once a week for a dog walk, but my dog seems to think she is her friend more than she is mine lol. you could have a look on the net to see if there is a friendship forum you could join (another friend did that after her marriage broke up, and her friends had dispersed, she has now met another bloke (wasn't intended) and went out on some get togethers.. what idiots
|
|
|
Post by portiabuzz on Dec 9, 2013 13:58:51 GMT 1
i like to think of NH DGers as my friends
|
|
|
Post by portiabuzz on Dec 9, 2013 13:59:15 GMT 1
as in non horse discussion DGers LOL !!
|
|