What the hell can I do? Need help

[annoymouse]

Hi
Sorry I haven't been around to reply. Thanks so much for the lovely messages of support, sometimes I just feel so alone and that there is no way out.
Just to start with what michellep said about reporting someone when they threaten you like the guy from uni did to me. A few days after I got that text a girl got raped at the uni so I rang crimestoppers straight away and told them about the threat I had. The police came to see me and I gave them my phone and they visited the guy in question. It turned out not to be him but they gave him a good talking to about the threat. He made out a mate did it but I think it scared him enough to stop being such an idiot. I then got in trouble with my parents for not telling them what happened and didn't get spoken to for 2 weeks. So I suppose there is a silver lining to everything.
Things got a bit better after my last post. A day or so later she suddenly started talking to me again and things were ok. Then last night I forgot to wash up before I went to bed, remember in the morning but was running late so said I'd do it when I got home. So when I got home I got it in both barrels as ' I know how she doesn't like having washing up left in the sink' and it shows how I disrespect her. Then I got loads of ranting about my Dad being rubbish and his family hating her, then about me having a pile of letters I hadn't opened. I tend to know what is going on with my bank and debts from the cash machine and I speak to the credit cards I have monthly to make my payments so don't really need to open all the letters straight away. I know whats going on with them. But according to my mother I am burying my head in the sand and I'm 'ill'. She said shes the only person that does anything, doesn't matter that I'm out at work all day, then to the horses, then working on the computer all night, I still do nothing. I got all about how no one appreciates her and that shes been the best mother we could have ever wanted. She then ranted on about my Dads family hating her and that she doesn't stoop to their level etc. Basically rubbished me for everything, said I tell people she has favourite children(?!?) and then said to me am I going to pull my weight for Christmas as she has to do everything. She also brought up something I said months ago when my gran came over, I don't drink tea or coffee so when I was asked to make people a drink I said as I don't drink it myself it might be a bit rubbish as I don't know what tastes nice and was it better for someone else to make it. To this she went in and made the drinks and when they went nuts at me. She said its because I'm lazy and don't want to help and make her do everything. To me, I've been told I make crap drinks by people before, and I'd have thought someone who drinks the stuff will make it better then me. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone else but maybe it is just me that's mad. I really am not sure anymore.Writing this I am totally aware of how pathetic all this sounds, its what frustrates me so much. How can something so small about not washing up, or saying I don't really know how to make good coffee and tea spiral into this?! Its just so pathetic. I just want a nice life and not to be harassed.
She then asked me what my feelings were and I just can't see the point in even speaking. I said what is the point in me having an opinion about anything, everything I do is wrong. She started ranting again so I've walked out and am sat in my room. I'm crying but it isn't coz of what she says anymore, it because I'm so frustrated by the situation I am in. I feel pathetic and a total looser. My family control my life and as I have no money to get away I put up with it. I've been saving up to pay one of my debts off and finally got it paid last week. I've got about £2500 left to pay on 2 credit cards. All this from my days at uni and depression. If I hadn't been so stupid I might have been able to escape. I have two horses whom I would give my life for and where I have them is low rent and they are happy. So they need to stay where they are. I'm tied because of them but wouldn't give them up for the world. I know if I didn't have them I would have killed myself years ago when my depression was at its worst. If I had money I could do something about it. I keep thinking about getting a new job, anything that pays better. but then the guilt comes in about leaving my Dad, he takes far too much on and couldn't cope without me. I'm sure in a few days I'll be ok and things will be ok, and then a few days after that I'll be back in my room crying as its kicked off again. I feel totally worthless. So sorry to be like this and expect people to read it, I've just no where to turn

[lizpurlo]

Oh annonymouse, sending big ((((hugs)))) your way. And telling you that you are neither pathetic, stupid or worthless. You're doing well, you're keeping your horses happy, and you've got rid of some of your debt. So that's two huge plusses.

Your mother sounds like a very bitter and troubled lady, and there's not much you can do to change that - but you can decide not to let her get you down, and perhaps change tactics when she has a go at you. You're a grown-up now, and she has absolutely no right to bully you all the time. She wants and needs you to scream at for some reason, so stop playing her game, just walk out of the room and refuse to speak till she's calmed down. You are worth far more than this - be kind to yourself, think how you'd like the future to be, and go for it. You're doing great. xx

[lizpurlo]

PS - Christmas - with her ranting and raving at you??? I think if I were you I'd make other plans for Christmas Day..... go and earn megabucks serving at a hotel doing Christmas lunches, or just go off to the stables for the day and have a nice ride!

[Deleted]

Agree with Liz about walking out of the room when she starts..............just calmly and quietly tell her that you will have a discussion with her when she is in a calmer frame of mind and hten walk out, if she follows you jsut carry on walking.........she will give in before you do........and it will take the wind out of her sails.........and what might I ask was wrong with her doing the washing up? What was she doing that prevented her from tacklingit if she hates dirty dishes in the sink she could have lifted her finger and sorted it or is it becuae she too damn lazy?

And you are not worthless or anything like that you are tougher than you give yourself credit for, and as for Christmas, well I would be doing what lLiz suggested, at least that way you avoid her for most of the day!

One last thing pay the last debts off and then plan your escape because thats what I would be doing, ticking the days off on a calender

[portiabuzz]

have PMed you, cant say anymore then i already have xx massive xxxxxx

[amber]

First off,.. big big cuddle for you my love and a shoulder to lean on if you want to..

Next,...You say you spend alot of time on the PC?.. well use this to your advantage and start having a look to see what's out there job wise...and if possible, which would work for you at the moment...a job that has 'live in' accomm perhaps? Just a thought.

Your Parents, but especially your Mother from what you've said, need to realise that they simply CANNOT control you in the way they have been for so many years... Goodness, it's tant amount to abuse in itself and if you can find the courage to my love,..i'd by making plans to get away from the family home in the very near future.

OK Money seems to be the one that's initially making you stay put at the moment, so,... you earn £140 a week, how much are you having to pay in board? How much realistically have you left? Can you start to put a few quid away, under your pillow or the flippin' floorboards if you have to,...just to start yourself a little nest egg/savings for when the time hopefully comes to say 'See Ya'...i'm off outta here.

One day at a time my lovely, but honestly, i hope you can find the strength to pick yourself up from this never ending circle and start to plan for YOUR future, YOUR happiness...and YOUR OWN life.

Take care and stay safe...and if you can... start to kick some butt with that Mother of yours as it seems it's the only language she'll understand. I don't mean to sound so judgemental, but from what you've written, you sure could do with some words of encouragement and i send you all the strength you need to stand up to her and take no more of this.

There will be out there, some lovely places to live and work in the UK,....you just need to find them and a sincerely hope you do.


Amber xxx

[portiabuzz]

lovely post Amber xx

[Deleted]

Agree with AMber about kicking some butt with Mother..........sometimes its the only way to go

[troop]

Wherabouts are you? Im sure you could plan an escape even for a short while if needs be to give you a break to think. I dont know i guess i have been in similar situation at times but im lucky my mum is more normal than me. You need to sit and think what exactly it is you want from life and then figure out step by step how to get there. If you need to get out im sure i could put you up here and maybe the horses to im sure i could find space somewhere there are places round here cheap if not totally ideal. I make £80 a week so i know the lack of money situation plus i worked for my parents for years (my dad was ill we didnt always get on he was horrendous at times but i did love him) he passed away and i felt i couldnt leave my mum on her own i stuck it out but was very miserable ....... i wont keep on about me but it is possible to get back to you and be happy. It might take some pretty seemingly cruel actions on your part but you cannot live for other people its YOUR life and YOU can escape..... huge huge hugs much love and shed loads of extra strength to you. Sorry for my ramblings take care of you xxxxx

[julz]

if you need to, call Breathing Space www.breathingspacescotland.co.uk/bspace/CCC_FirstPage.jsp

they have helped me in the past when I've had panic attacks, but they can help with almost anything and it's free to call. They are open til 2am weekdays and 24hr at weekends.

hope this helps.

[lizb]

Hi, sorry I don't really post on here but I hope this might help you outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=4.0 (FOG stands for fear, obligation and guilt)

Thinking of you I know how hard it is!

[portiabuzz]

keep smiling even though its so hard sometimes, go hug your horse xx

[amber]

How are you Anonymouse....? Hope you holding up OK. I keep thinking about you and how you're goin on..

Amber xx