Why do I always feel so inadequate?

[clarea]

Not been on here for a while but basically feeling sorry for myself and need a good kick up the backside.
Don't know where to start really but I'm so fed up with myself for always feeling inadequate. I don't feel like I deserve my beautiful boy, I'm not a good enough rider for him and let him down all the time. All I want is to be able to ride him well but I'm so rubbish.
This feeling spills into everything I do; not good enough for my hubby, my job, etc. Part of me knows I am being silly and I know that as a perfectionist I am always doomed to fail but I don't want to feel like it anymore.
The stupid thing is is that it is only myself which holds me back. Argh, please someone tell me to pull myslef together!
Sorry for the self indulgent moan Thanks for reading.

[jen1]

www.eft4horseandrider.co.uk

i think you need to find out the root cause of these feeling so you can then best know how to tackle them, our brains do have the knack of dramatizing, please just ring heather and say i sent you, look out for April equi adds were running a coarse for people in your predicament, and in the mean time just learn to like your self even just a little, metaphorically fine your self for negative thoughts ,and treat your self when you can find a positive within the negative,

[2 bays & a grey:D]

Good advice Jen. Also, I was recommended to read 'Don't shoot the dog' (can't remember the authors name). Becky Holden said it changed her life

karon Pryor is the author (mta)

[happysnail]

Sending a big hug. You're not on your own and admitting that you feel the way you do is a huge step towards getting back on track. Understanding where this is coming from will make a huge difference and not just to any one part of it. I cannot recommend the 'Perfect Confidence' course with RAs Julia Fisher, Linda Ruffle and Dido Fisher highly enough. Confidence is a journey and a state of being, not a static point or a destination.
Xx

[Mellymoo]

I know exactly how you feel - that was me two years ago. Not good enough for anything or anyone in my life. Agree with happysnail, the first step is to admit that it is in your own mind that you are inadequate - I bet no one else thinks that (including your horse )

Think about the things you are good at - my first was that I am good at listening to people. You need to build confidence in yourself gradually, and consolidate. Your horse won't care that you don't feel good enough for him - as long as you don't jab him in the gob when you ride him, I'm sure he's happy as larry!

I feel sometimes that I am the worst rider in the world, but Jos doesn't care. I have mostly managed to turn the 'oh God I am so rubbish' feeling into 'Ok, well I could be better than I am so let's try and improve'. I have taken this into all areas of my life, and honestly, apart from being a bit skint at the moment, my life could not be any better.

If you want to talk anytime, feel free to PM. Confidence will come, but you have to make the change in your head - I think you are doing that, as admitting it to yourself is how to beat the fears. And here's a massive cyber ((((HUG)))) from me and Jos

[Dalesgirl]

This sounds so familiar that I could have written it! One of the things that has helped me is writing down my feelings of being inadequate/not good enough and then challenging them as if another person was telling me that they felt those things. I've also noticed that the feelings are much more powerful when I'm tired or under stress...not sure if that's something that happens with you too? Kelly's 'Perfect Confidence' book has helped a lot too. x

[kerrieleather]

ok, kick up the backside here goes........!!!!!

is that you in the bottom right pic on your post?? if so, look at it and then look at it again - you look amazing!!!!!

right, kick up the backside over with and now onto other stuff

1.emotional freedom technique
nlp
timeline therapy
positive visualisations and affirmations
write down all of your successes, no matter how small
investigate and see if anyone in your area runs courses specific to riding

2. contact lisa venables at www.holistichorses.co.uk - she is helping me to change my life with regards horses along with a master nlp practitioner who she uses on her confidence courses

3. have a look at my blog
nervousnellienomore.blogspot.com

and you will see that sorting out feelings like these is something, if addressed properly, that can be done and you can change your life

you can do it!!!!!

'if you believe in your dreams they might come true, if you believe in yourself they will come true'. xxxxxxxxx

[clarea]

Thank you very much everyone for all your good advice and the hugs (I needed those).

Kerrieleather, thank you for the kick up the bum It is me in my sig, thank you

Jen1 I will call Heather thank you. Will also look at your links kerrieleather too thanks again.

I am going to sort this out as it holds me back so much and tbh I am sick of it!!

[jen1]

I am going to sort this out as it holds me back so much and tbh I am sick of it!!

its when i hear those words i know your really ready in your heart, heather is ace,

[wabuska]

Great advice above. The journey begins. Your horse is like something directly from Heaven by the way and I know you do deserve him.

[shan]

Mar 25, 2011 10:46:58 GMT 1 clarea said:

I don't feel like I deserve my beautiful boy, .

Oh yes you do, because it's blindingly obvious that you love him to bits - and I'm pretty sure he loves you back. Remember - we are exactly where we're suposed to be, people (and animals) are in our lives for a reason, and by acknowledging how wonderful your boy is you're heading in the right direction to build a better relationship with yourself through him - that doesn't mean you should find fault with yourself but as a basis for how you can improve your self-esteem.
As kerrieleather says - EFT is a great way of shifting the balance mentally, you can use it for anything too!

I've said it before and I'll say it again - your boy is stunning, he has something very special about him - and he's with you because he's supposed to be xx

[bonniesmum]

I could have written your post myself and it is amazing how many of us feel that way. I'm on antidepressants and have had counselling but in times of stress my default position is still to go back to the I'm not good enough. The only exception is work where I know I'm good at what I do.

I think a lot of it does come from perfectionism, mine certainly does. I'm not a bad rider, I'm having lessons and improving and I'm a work in progress. I'm not good enough to give my girl what she needs so I pay someone to school her but that doesn't mean I'm not good enough to ride her.

You love your boy so you are good enough for him :-)

Everyone can improve and learn and should continue to learn. It's the ones that don't think they need to that worry me ;-)

As for your hubby, I bet he doesn't agree with you. I've been through this with my boyfriend, I think partly because I'm divorced and my ex husband left me for someone else it convinced me that there is something about me that isn't good enough and if I do anything wrong my boyfriend will want to leave. He has given me so much reassurance and clearly loves me so much that 95% of the time I am fine but still wobble in times of stress if that makes sense.

I don't really think I can offer any answers, only empathy but do pm me if you want to chat x

[clarea]

Kanga & Shan - that's a lovely thing to say, thank you. I do love him an awful lot!
Bonniesmum - thank you for sharing your story - comforting knowing I'm not the only one who feels like this.

Haven't called Heather yet but plan to do so next week. Put an end to this and make the most of my scrummy boy

[handm]

Hi clarea, I could have written your post. I often think I am not good enough for my pony, and lots of other things besides. Actually I know I am not good enough for him, but that's is in terms of my riding ability. In other ways I remind myself (and him sometimes!) that I do things for him that I know others wouldn't (in terms of the way he is kept and handled etc). I don't think he could be more loved! My main problem is comparing myself to others. So in 2011 I am trying really hard to focus on what I have acheived with my pony. For example, I rode bareback last weekend - only for 10 mins and in walk, But the first time I tried it I was just gripped with fear - even just standing still was terrifying. Now, I am actually looking forward to doing it again tomorrow. I am also trying really hard to focus on the positives, and it is so true that they accumulate - you start with one, then a few more, and then you have a whole collection, however small each one is (but the same goes for negatives, so best not to focus too much on them). You are definitely not alone! You've received some great advice - I am going to follow some of it too!

[moosmum]

Hi Clarea
I'm new on here and still working my way through the posts. I totally understand where you are coming from and even though I cant offer many words of wisdom I can send you postive vibes. Its clear you love your horse and frankly when I'm crying into my mare's mane about how sorry I am we dont go to shows or gallop over fields racing about she has never once said me ' I know you are such a bad Mother' in fact she just snuggles up for more cuddles and says you looking after me and food is all I need I only freak you out so I dont have to do anything!!! Never a truer word. I have enlisted the help of a sympathetic instuctor as I too am fed and bored with myself and the nervous nellie demons so good luck in you journey, you're half way there!
Hugs to you