How to ask for help????

[holi]

I suppose my title says it all but I have confidence issues. I went on the weekend course - it was great and as a result I bought a horse. We have our ups and downs but I'm getting really uptight about where she is kept. There are only 3 of us that ride out - either me and a friend or three of us and the dynamics of the group are just wrong. My friend has confidence problems too but for years she has always been one of those people who gets help from others and its lovely for her. I'm really pleased as she is such a nice person and quite downtrodden really by her life. She has had lots of help from the other girl in the yard and when we go out they go in front and I'm at the back. they talk to each other and I'm sort of out of it. If she has a problem the other girl helps her but on the whole I just get a 'you ok back there' over the shoulder. I'm finding it easier and easier to make excuses not to ride

I tried to drop hints but I just don't think my friend knows how to give help and support - have you ever met people like that? She thinks she does but but she doesn't really and she doesn't mean it - it's just what life has dealt you in the past. I know I give an air of confidence and can bluff my way anywhere (I've often had to through work, life etc) so I can give off an air of independence when inside I'm screaming. I'm desparate for a mentor or something. I have a great instructor but they are really busy and my other horsey friends live miles away.
Any ideas???

[natty]

I no how you feel! Until last year I used to Pretend I had confidence but really inside I was so scared and it was when I went to the hand to watch monty last year I made my first step, I spoke to Adam RA who told me I had a reason to be scared and pointed out I don't have confidence in anything (people or horses) and he just generally made me feel so much better about my situation, he told me he could help out and back my horse for me but unfortunately finances ment I couldn't go through with it .
So instead I learnt to talk to people and explain how nervous I am, started off with people close to me and now I'm very honest to everyone about it and I have found the help I have got lately has been amazing!
I have recently found someone to help me ride and told her about my confidence and she has offered to help me out as much as she can, so be honest to people and even if your friend can relay the things she's been told it will help, oh and get Kelly marks perfect confidence, I have ordered it and waiting for it to come now as everyone has told me it will help.
Good luck hope it goes ok for u

[holi]

Thanks natty. They know I'm nervous but I just don't think they realise just how much encouragement I need

[shan]

Why not just sit them down with a cuppa and explain to them both how you feel? You obviously come across as much more confident than you are, or give the impression you can do things on your own, sometimes people would rather not interfere even if they're just being helpful - but I would let them know you too need support sometimes, usually people are more than happy to help and support you

PC is a fantastic book btw, you'll love it!!

[curlytobiano]

Hi Holi - I really wish you well with this. IMHO I think there could be 2 things going on here. First, I think there are some people who are really good at taking stuff from others but somehow never manage to give things back. I don't know if your friend is one of these but they certainly exist - and they are really good at finding people (possibly like you?) who are the givers and non complainers!

Second, as you are obviously someone who gets on with what you have to do, it could be that these people genuinely think you don't need (want?) support or help. I must admit I once had a lady who worked for me and I found her quite scarily in charge of things until we had a bit of a crisis and she showed me the vulnerable side of herself - whereupon I immediately felt I wanted to help her, whereas before that I had felt intimidated by her efficiency and thought she would poo-Poo any offers from me.

If this sounds as if it could be going on at all, is there a way you could show your vulnerable side more to the people at the yard? Maybe start by asking for advice on some bit of stable management or something?

Sorry Holi, don't know if that is any use to you but sending you best wishes and ((((hugs))))for your situation to get better xx

[holi]

Thanks for your support - in fact I started reading PC again last night and have just had a lovely ride out and we were the confident ones! I spoke to my friend and said I needed motivation and support and she must make me do things. It wasn't a serious discussion but I said I had just been looking for excuses as I was feeling wobbly. I think she got it but did sort of said 'well the weather has been bad and we all look for excuses and she does the same' so perhaps she isn't the right person to give me the proverbial kick that I do need. I can do it but its just that I hold back, scared of getting it wrong and then down we go. I think I can even point to when it started when I went out with two others (not best friend) and pony was awful and wouldn't stand still, backing off gates and being a real basic pain and the other two just sort of looked at me, said nothing and sort of nodded in 'that way'. Perhaps I got their message wrong but I admit I was getting a bit fraught and uptight and did tell her off verbally. I also had a lot of stuff going on at work so was abit uptight all round.Thing is the other two seem to be those people that never loose their rag and grr I must stop moaning and thinking everyone else is perfect and I'm rubbish!!! However just geting it all out here is sooo good it just makes all those thoughts and tensions just float off - thank you thank you thank you xxxx

[helenj]

Hi Holli

This sounds very familiar - been there, done that, bought the proverbial postcard and still working on getting better. I did a personal development course at work a few years ago that really helped me to understand this and start to change what I was doing.

We all have internal drivers, that get established pretty early on in life, that are core messages that we feel compelled to try and achieve. Be nice, be kind, be pretty are three that I've come across quite a lot in women. The one you are describing is "be perfect" and leaves you wandering through life looking for the "right" way to do things. It is common in high achieving families, in first borns, and in younger siblings with high achieving older siblings.

The reality is that it is impossible to be perfect for all the people all of the time, because everyone's idea of perfect is different. It is also impossible to find the "right" way for most things, because most situations have more than one possible solution and you could argue pros and cons for any of them. However, if you have the strong internal "be perfect" driver, this leaves you feeling on the verge of losing your confidence all the time, because you cannot be certain that you are being perfect or right in that situation or for those people.

If this doesn't sound like you, pardon the burbling and ignore me .

If this does sound like you, here are some things to think about.

Accept that most people are not walking around thinking bad things about Holi, because you are not delivering what they thought you would. The reality is that you try so hard to deliver what people want that most people will be really impressed.

Accept that stating how you feel out loud, saying I don't know and speaking up when you need help will usually get you a really positive response. People might say, that isn't what Holi usually does, but they will not on the whole be thinking anything remotely negative.

Accept that not needing to be perfect takes so much pressure off you that you will finally be able to breathe deeply, laugh at your own mistakes, give up getting frustrated, mean it when you say thankyou to a compliment, say no to requests that you really don't want to help with, ask for support in a way that people respond to.....

Like I say, I am still working on this, especially the asking for help, rather than hoping that people will just notice that I need it. One of the things that I still have trouble with is that my internal yelling for help still looks like calm, composed and in control on the outside. I'm trying really hard to just say "I need help" before I get to the internal yelling point, as trying to verbalise then is not so good and often comes accompanied by tears.

I really wish you well with this Holi. Like all the drivers, it is tough to undo that early programming, but try to notice when the driver is kicking in and do something small, internally or saying it outloud, to interrupt your normal "make it right" response.

[holi]

helenj I am sure you have met me - its spot on. My views on myself are ingrained and it leaves you with such feelings of failure and inadequacy inside its painful at times. My sister also has problems and has been annorexic all her life - she sees perfection as being thin and at 62 is still having trouble with it. Poor mum she tried to do the right thing but was rather misguided! I have made some steps by just speaking out here and that has calmed me down a lot. I got my friend to actually agree that my pony has issues in terms of if life gets a tiny bit difficult she just digs in and says 'I'm boss and I'm doing what I want'causing head tossing, rushing, biting other horseswhen out hacking - in fact she continues to throw all sorts of stuff my way at times and as I've only had her for 6 months it's all new. We think in the past when she ever did this her owners just moved on to something that she found easier so a lot of education is sort of half done. It also made her seem the perfect 'nervous' ride (what she was sold as) as she is a saint as long as you do what she wants and at times that differs quite a lot from me! It made me feel much better as my friends all sort of looked at her as some sort of saint before and it was my fault so, with my problems as well, it became awful.

I have accpeted that its going to be a long road and I have to take small steps. I'm brilliant at reading all the books, watching all the demos then trying it and hating myself as I can't do it as well as others. I don't think it has helped either that OH took up riding late and is fantastic - sits on anything, nerves of steel, never flustered, horses do exactly what he wants willingly etc - all my friends hate him tooand wonder how I have put up with it lol! I'm the same in my work and I'm my own worse enemy as I want to do everything the best and then get upset when I don't get the praise - god what childish behaviour and I'm old enough to be a granny lol.

Thank you again and I'll let you know how we progress - I'm sure it will be steps forward then back but hopefully not too far as last time I gave up horses for 8 years and missed it dreadfully.

[sarahlev]

OMG holi, this is me too. helenj, you've explained it so well and your advice is brilliant.

Holi I just loved what you said about reading all the books then hating myself when it doesn't turn out perfect. Me, I look for another book that will make me do it right first time! Haven't found it yet, surprise, surprise.

Anyway, holi you're doing brilliantly just to be out there doing it; really well done! Keep going, I'm cheering for you!!