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Post by drumduan on Mar 6, 2011 2:13:04 GMT 1
Just out of interest - a point I've seen mentioned time and again on this board; the number of posters who say they have lost confidence after having children. Is this a common thing? Does it apply to fathers as well as mothers? (even if the fathers don't ride, it could show up in other areas of their lives - like for example, if the fathers concerned previously rode motorbikes, went hang-gliding, or some such)
Because I'm beginning to wonder if it's not so much a loss of confidence, but a powerful awareness of the fact that some tiny tot is so utterly dependent on the parent being around to take care of it. So, all of a sudden, the possibility of falling off changes from;
"Falling off!! So what? All part of the fun - and, in any case, I'm immortal!"
and becomes;
"I might fall off! OMIGOD!! What would happen to my child??"
As a case in point, an old friend called Andy. Prior to getting married, his idea of forward planning was "Which bit of the town do I hit tonight?". Long term planning was thinking about where to go carousing next weekend! And he was invariably in trouble with the old syndrome of having too much month at the end of the money - and living on baked beans on toast till payday!
However, once he got married, it all changed - and no, it wasn't because his wife put the brakes on him. Overnight, he seemed to grow up ten years. Even more so, when they had children, and his wife turned out to have severe mental / emotional problems, which she was either unable ro unwilling to deal with. It seemed to me that though Andy was unconcerned about ending up broke and even out of a job when he was single, he was NOT going to even risk that for his wife and children. Curious, the way he seemed to change, almost overnight, from a scatter-brained irresponsible idiot into a Rock of Gibraltar - and he's never gone backwards, either.
Thoughts, anyone?
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Post by shan on Mar 6, 2011 18:01:05 GMT 1
Good point Drumduan. I haven't had kids, but I'm just wondering a point... would rider-mums, if they returned to riding weeks or a few months after giving birth, lose a certain balance because of the pelvic changes in pregnancy & labour (mums you know what I mean!), perhaps a re-education of the riding posture specifically would have to happen? I was just wondering if that would make a lady feel a bit wobbly - both physically and mentally?
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Post by DebbieR on Mar 6, 2011 19:29:59 GMT 1
It's certainly a common thing amongst women from what I've experienced & other women have said to me. I didn't consciously think about needing to stay safe for my children but possibly that was a subconscious thought? I've not heard of any men losing confidence but then I don't know many male riders.
I think, in my case, I just got less & less 'brave' - I went from being in the early stages of pregnancy with my first child & leading out a ride on a just-backed rising 4 year old (yes, completely irresponsible, I know) to the point when I couldn't get on a horse without having an 'expert' on hand to sort me out if the horse went beyond a slow walk. My worst fear was of being bolted with, of being out of control.
Interesting to hear about the change in your friend's attitude after he got married.
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lroy
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Post by lroy on Mar 6, 2011 19:47:49 GMT 1
I am definately much less confident since having my daughter. There is a definate fear of "what if something happens to me" Now rationally I know that something could happen to me anywhere- ie get hit by a bus etc. You know that each time you get on its a risk- and with the best horse in the world there is always a slight chance of something unpredictable happening. I am very much a what if this or that should happen person - wish I wasn't!!
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hammie
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Post by hammie on Mar 6, 2011 20:04:16 GMT 1
It does make a difference. It's not only killing yourself that's a potential problem, but injuries - if I broke a leg and couldn't drive for a while, I couldn't take the kids to activities, getting to work and back pn the bus would take longer so I might not get home before the kids, I'd have trouble doing the family shop, etc. When people depend on you you have to think about these things.
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Post by Dragonmaster on Mar 6, 2011 20:06:17 GMT 1
I must just be hard hearted! I have had 3 children, the youngest is now 20. I rode til I was about 8 months pregnant each time, although I did only ride safe horses and just do gentle hacking or easy schoolwork towards the end. After each baby I was back on horseback after my 6 week check and back to normal. However in those days 'normal' was once a week at a riding school, I didnt have my own or a friends to ride, that came later. I did not suffer any reduction in confidence from having children.
I did however (and this is a big secret I'm letting out of the bag) loose confidence after being bucked off and breaking my femur in 2002. I don't know how much it is down to this or down to advancing years and other creakiness but I'm definitely not as confident a rider as I used to be - but that said I'm still a lot more confident than many - but I'm wary whan riding horses other than my own Rosie. The secret is that I have never told anyone this and pretend I'm still very confident. Most of the time the pretence works. ;D
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Post by cookie on Mar 6, 2011 20:28:58 GMT 1
I have found since the baby (1st, now 6 months) that I evaluate everything before I do it. But so far not in a negative, lost confidence way, more in an IH, setting up for success way. I couldn't ride my boy during pregnancy due to his injury, then after birth we both needed to build our fitness back up. So the brakes have naturally been applied due to that. But yes, I find myself wearing a hat to longline, not riding for the first time after 12 months alone in the dark (yes, i prob would have before!) and generally taking things step by step and not being so 'gun-ho' but actually under my circumstances that's probably the best approach anyway.
I did a fair bit of leading out after box rest well into my pregnancy but then I know my horse (famous last words, right). I always made sure I had a hat on and others were around...
Physically, my posture has changed and I need to be very aware of my position. My gp tells me that the ligaments which softened to prepare for delivery take 12months to return to normal and my hormones were all over the place while I was breast feeding so altho not everyone is the same, there are physiological reasons why new mums might need to take things a tad slower.
I think like lots of things tho (tin hat!) it could easily be used as a rationale for not doing stuff I didn't fancy in the first place...
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Post by kerrieleather on Mar 7, 2011 0:20:05 GMT 1
I think the issue of lack of confidence is such an interesting issue - not just when applied to riding but to all aspects of life.
I guess a lack of confidence results in feelings of fear, and this can sometimes be caused by a sub-conscious self preservation mode that kicks in, particularly after having children. What's interesting is that fear though can be of so many things.
When talking about riding, it can be fear of injury, fear of failure, fear of losing touch with our horse due to lack of time etc etc.
For me, fear is something that can very quickly take over when it comes to my horse, but also very quickly disappear. The term 'emotional rollercoaster' springs to mind.....
I have recently been on a fantastic confidence course run by Lisa Venables of Holistic Horses and it has made a huge huge difference to me.
But yes, since having children the absolute first thought that enters my mind when doing anything is 'how will this affect my children?'......
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Post by medicinepony on Mar 7, 2011 0:59:00 GMT 1
I think there is something to this, I rodewhen pregnant both times for as long as I could get up in the saddle and if you had asked me before reading the above posts I would have said that yes I did lose confidance, but perhaps in hindsight it wasn't so much that i lost confidance but more of a who will look after my babies if anything happens to me kind of thing rather than a straight forward lack of confidance
perhaps its more about suddenly becoming aware of grown up responsibilities. I never worried about the children around or riding the horses even when they were very young only about my ability to care for them If I had an accident
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daisysp8
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People only see what they are prepared to see
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Post by daisysp8 on Mar 7, 2011 16:30:15 GMT 1
I rode both horses and motorbikes .... i rode my motorbike til the bump stopped me being able to reach the handlebars lol .... But now my son is at the fore front of my mind in all i do. Then self preservation kicks in. I`m a stay at home mum, my husband brings in the money. If i was badly hurt, and he had to take care of me and our son, we`d have no income (he doesn`t get paid for being off sick ... well he does but its a negligable amount). It`s the day to day running of the home ..... chores, banking etc etc etc ... thats what i "do" and need to be able to "do" until my son is at an age where he can provide for himself. If i`m injured, i can`t do those things. If my husband has to step in and do them because i "selfishly" got injured doing a hobby, we then wouldn`t have an income. Our relationship and family is based on a "partnership" .... we need to look after each other. Interesting point about the "men folk" and confidence ... my husband was into bikes and racing, he stopped doing it, and he`s selling his motorbike. When i questioned it he said "because if anything happened to me, who`d look after you and young un" ... so yes i think it affects men too Once my lad is old enough to have left school, i`m hoping to "do" more with out as much worries ... we`ll see
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Topaz
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Post by Topaz on Mar 7, 2011 20:15:46 GMT 1
It took a while after the birth of my 1st baby to feel confident driving a car again, even though I love driving. The second baby didn't affect me in that way. I think its a combination of having a dependent child/children and self preservation, we instinctively know we don't bounce as well when we get older! I rarely experienced spooking in my youth, but now it happens regularly, I am convinced it's a change in me and nothing to do with who I ride. I quite often spook with the horse/pony! Bizarre really
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Post by katrina on Mar 8, 2011 9:22:51 GMT 1
I rode right up till my due date only stopping when getting off meant being pulled off sidewards, which could have hurt my boys back. Even worse I evented (up to 3'7) till five months and SJ'd (up to 4') till I was 6 months gone :-D I was back in the saddle after 10 days and eventing again 21 days after giving birth. I'm sorry to say I never thought what would happen if.... I looked at it like this, I was just as likely to trip over the cat at the top of the stairs and fall hurting myself or be involved in a serious car crash or any other number of tragic accidents. I was still in the RAF, my job bought me into daily contact with explosives, which theoretically are very dangerous but handled right they pose no danger. I guess I did a mental risk assesment and decided it was worth it. I'm well insured as is my hubby, who is still in the RAF, and while money is no substitue for a healthy parent at least I know that if I was injured we'd be ok. BTW I don't think there is a right and wrong way, it's down to the individual. I did lose my confidence once with my boy, but that was when I fell breaking my back and the confidence loss had nothing to do with being a parent
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Post by wabuska on Mar 9, 2011 9:46:15 GMT 1
It becomes a much stronger consideration, getting hurt that is. I rushed a meeting with out solicitor to tighten up our will two days before my OH and I took our first solo weekend break. The day after we flew out of Cork, 8 people died in a crash on the same runway. I think it's natural and sensible to think these things through.... oh, and I'm a coward at gene level to boot!
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Post by rrosie on Mar 18, 2011 17:06:23 GMT 1
Hi all, Nice to be back on the board after a considerable absence, nice to know we are all still here! Like DaisyP8 I rode horses and motorbikes, rode my bike until the bump was in the way, some two weeks before my son was born and I have not got on one since, I can't bring myself to do it at all. So I would guess that it was his birth that directly affected my confidence there. But, not necessarily the case with the horses, I was happy to continue riding after baby, but my confidence mainly disappeared after I had surgery on my spine, I think at the back of my mind is the damage I could do by falling off and I can't face the pain, the stress of not working, the mobility issues - all of that just turns me to jelly. I will update at some point on my progress with Biggs my section D mare, but suffice to say that we are very gradually overcoming it, so it is not a permanent fixture, but in my opinion things are never the same again in any way when you have dependants. Saying that, how many eventers, team chasers, hunters etc have children - loads I bet, why doesn't it worry them? Rrx
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 18, 2011 18:44:33 GMT 1
This is a really interesting thread. I don't have kids but one of my best friends said similar ot others on here, that although she wasn't less confident, she does more seriously question if something is safe and what the consequences are before diving in, and it's the consequences for her children that are most likely to stop her taking risks.
I have found that as I get older I am realising my own mortality more. I got bronked off twice last year and landed on my head both times and 5 days after the second time I found myself sat at my desk at work, feeling dizzy and sick and thinking that those symptoms could be permanent.
I though if the dizzyness didn't go away then I wouldn't be able to drive and then I wouldn't be able to keep my horse... and that next time it could be a whole lot worse. I thought of my OH and my parents and how it would affect their lives if I were unable to work and that made me seriously question the risks I subject myself to.
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