Does anyone still have a copy of 'Mr. Hand'? I posted it a few years ago but I lost my copy. It's about cleaning a gelding's 'bits'. It was sooo funny. I want to give a copy to my friend, but I've lost it.
Bridge, it was such a classic that I confess I saved it on my pc. So here you go.....glad to return it!
This has done the rounds before and you can check on previous threads Mr. Hand
Step 1) Check to make sure there are no prospective boyfriends, elderly neighbors, or Brownie troops with a line of sight to the proceedings. Though of course they're probably going to show up unexpectedly ANYWAY once you're in the middle of things. Prepare a good explanation.
2) Trim your fingernails short. Assemble horse, hose, and your sense of humor (plus, ideally, Excalibur cleanser and perhaps thin rubber gloves).
3) Use hose (or damp sponge) to get the sheath and its inhabitant wet. Uh, that is, do this in a *civilized* fashion with due warning to the horse; he is apt to take offense if an icy-cold hose blasts unexpectedly into his personal regions ;-)
4) Now introduce your horse to Mr Hand . What I find safest is to stand facing the horse's head, with my shoulder and hip snugly against the horse's thigh and hip so that if he makes any suspicious move such as raising his leg, I can feel it right away and am in any case pressed so close that all he can do is shove, not really kick. The horse should be held by an assistant or by your free hand, NOT tied fast to a post or to crossties. He may shift around a good bit if he's not happy with Mr Hand's antics, but don't be put off by that; as long as you are patient and gradual, and stick close to his side, he'll get over it.Remember that it would be most unladylike of you to simply make a direct grab for your horse's Part. Give the horse a clue about what's on the program. Rest your hand against his belly, and then slide it back til you are entering The Home of the Actual Private Part. When you reach this first region of your destination, lube him up good with Excalibur or whatever you're using.If the outer part of his sheath is really grungy you will feel little clods and nubblies of smegma peeling off as you grope around in there. Patiently and gently expedite their removal.
5) Thus far, you have probably only been in the outer part of the sheath. The Part Itself, you'll have noticed, is strangely absent. That's because it has retired shyly to its inner chambers. Roll up them thar sleeves and follow in after it ;-)
6) As you and Mr Hand wend your way deeper into the sheath, you will encounter what feels like a small portal that opens up into a chamber beyond. Being attentive to your horse's reaction, invite yourself in . You are now in the inner sanctum of The Actual Private Part. It's hiding in there towards the back, trying to pretend it isn't there. Say hi and wave to it . No, really, work your finger back and forth around the sides of it. If the horse won't drop, this is your only shot at removing whatever dried smegma is clinging to the surface of the Part itself. So, gently explore around it, pulling out whatever crusty topsoil you find there. Use more water and more Excalibur if necessary to loosen attached gunk.
7) When Mr Hand and the Actual Private Part have gotten to know each other pretty well, and the Part feels squeaky clean all around, there remains only one task: checking for, and removing, the bean. The bean is a pale, kidney-shaped accumulation of smegma in a small pouch just inside the urethra. Not all horses accumulate a bean, but IME the majority do, even if they have no visible external smegma.So: the equine urethra is fairly large diameter, and indeed will permit you to very gently insinuate one of your slimmer fingers inside the urethral opening. Do so, and explore upwards for what will feel like a lump or "pea" buried no more than, I dunno, perhaps 3/4" in from the opening. If you do encounter a bean, gently and sympathetically persuade it out with your finger. This may require a little patience from BOTH Mr Hand AND the horse, but the horse will be happier and healthier once it's accomplished. In the rare event that the bean is too enormous for your finger to coax out, you might try what I did (in desperation) last month on the orange horse: Wrap thumb and index finger around the end of the Part and squeeze firmly to extrude the bean. Much to my surprise it worked and orange horse did NOT kill me for doing it and he does not seem to have suffered any permanant damage as a result ;-> I have never in my life seen another bean that enormous, though.
8) Now all that's left to do is make a graceful exit and rinse the area very thoroughly in apology for the liberties you've taken . A hose will be MUCH easier to use here than just a sponge and bucket, IME. Make sure to direct the water into the Part's inner retreat too, not merely the outer part of the sheath. This may require you to enfold the end of the hose in your hand and guide it up there personally.
9) Ta-da, you are done! Say, "Good horsie" and feed him lots of carrots. Watch him make funny faces at the way your hands smell. Hmm. Well, perhaps there is ONE more step...
10) The only thing I know of that is at all effective in removing the lovely fragrance of smegma from your hands (fingernails arms elbows and wherever else it's gotten) is Excalibur. Even then, if you didn't use gloves you may find you've got an unusual personal perfume for a while. So, word to the wise, do NOT clean your horse's sheath just before an important job interview or first date ;-)and of course, there is that one FINAL step...
11) Figure out how to explain all this to your mother (or the kid from next door, or the meter reader, or whoever else you've just realized has been standing in the barn doorway speechlessly watching the entire process.)Now, go thou forth and clean that Part!
Ohdear.. well my geldings nether regions have been making some strange noises when we trot and Ive been told its a sign he needs a good clean down there!!! So out with the rubber gloves and lubricant.. may have to raid my ann summers kit!!!!.....and Ill get it done tomorrow!! Not sure if Ill sleep tonight now ha ha ha ha ha
DANCE.. as tho noone is watching you, LOVE..as tho you have never been hurt before, SING.. as tho noone can hear you, LOVE..as tho heaven is on earth!!
oh go*d I have to do my boys doda soon he has a bean that I can see when he drops his boy bits. I will remember to stand by the hip not his front end, I dont think he will be very keen on it somehow...not looking forward to it I can tell you. yuck, I will be wearing good old marigolds to do it, I had plastic gloves on one time and they broke I could not get rid of the smell for ages...
I have just had the vet out to sedate my boy as his 'bean' was not coming out with my help.. but I was on jury service and not able to be at the yard when she came.. it took a double dose of ACP injection to get him relaxed enough to allow her to get close to him, the YO holding his front leg up and her husband holding his head whilst the vet did her bit. The bean worked its way out with lots of help and all I am going to say is that it was the size of a mini plum tomato
I am surprised he could wee with that in the way.. much better now! BTW he trusts me to venture below after 4 weeks of gentle training so I am glad I was not the one to cause the pain.
There is something very satisfying seeing a clear field and a barrow full of poo!
i have never washed Jacks ...mainly because it is always clean when he 'brings it out for an airing' (normally when the old ladies are walking their dogs by field... ) and also.....i think i would be missing my 'Mr Head' if i tried!
for a horse that has rules about where your hand goes when your doing up leg straps........