Money or happiness

[companymagic]

In an ideal world both. But I am in a dilemma and could do with some support.
I had my son last September and I always said if I had a baby I wanted to be a sahm as long as I could. Well to do this I am giving up a well paid job. Our family will be less a few thousand a month :-(. Its a lot of money. We don't live an extravagant life. I have two ponies but our home is small, we don't really go out and I do no shopping other than for my son. I have got myself a small part time job but will barely be earning a few hundred a month. We can just about pay out bills on this. Just.

I want nothing more than to be a mother to my son and that I believe will bring me greater happiness than any amount of money. Am I selfish to put the burden of bills solely on my hubby? I have 4 weeks to make a decision one way or the other.

Is money worth not seeing my son as much as I feel I need to ? What did others do ?

[Deleted]

Must admit I know how you feel. Until I got divorced I was a sahm..........and had a very good lifestyle...........BUT when things got bad and divorce loomed on the horizon then I knew that some changes would have to be made. I was lucky in that my mum was ( at the time) semi retired so I got a job that fitted round both my and her working committments, and took a small part time job a couple of evenings per week to bring in the extra money that went towards school trips etc. As Ems got older I found work that fitted round school hours and holidays (lucky for me by this time I was able to pick and choose the contracts I took on........I was a 'trouble shooter' for small companies who needed new solutions for working) it all depends on the life you feel you need..........and if your partner is happy for you to be at home with your son for a few years. Best thing to do is sit down with OH and talk it through and see what you can both work with

[portiabuzz]

Hugs CM xx time with your son is priceless in my opinion. Xx

Sent from my GT-I8160

[companymagic]

Thanks Christine. My hubby wants to to go back to my well paid job pt. Which would work for us all. However my company are refusing me flexi working which I have a meeting with them this week to dispute. With this in mind I went out and found myself a pt job that fits around my mum so she can have Arthur while I work so I don't have to put him in paid (unknown) childcare.

I fully intend to pick up more of a career as my son grows with school etc. So ots only a few years of being"poor" but hubby is very money minded and can't see why I don't want to just put Arthur in full time care if we have to. For me (I know everyone is different) the thought of it makes me sick.
X

[jennyb]

I'm planning on staying at home, but I am also building up my own private practice (accountant) so I can earn something from home and contribute to the household financially. We are very fortunate that we can live well on OH's income, but I have said all along that I will go out and get another job when the children go to school (or sooner if necessary) if we need more money. For me, it's a balance between looking after my children myself, but also ensuring we as a couple are not stressed about money and OH isn't working himself in to the ground and not enjoying time with his children. We've yet to see how it all pans out for us!

[antares]

This was one of the reasons for me deciding not to have children - i would have wanted to be in the position where I could take a career break as for me personally I never saw the point of having children and then paying someone else to look after them. Personal choice, other of my family members have kids in paid childcare and it's all fine but it's not for me. In addition I live 45 miles from the nearest family member.


Interestingly, ladies I work with always feel guilty for being at work when they would rather be at home with their young children or the days they get sent home from school feeling ill etc.

[gwenoakes]

Could you agree with OH to stay at home for say, 2 years then reconsider? That way you will know if staying at home will create big probs with you and your OH if you are totally coming from opposite sides. You both need to be singing from the same hymn sheet on this, otherwise whatever you do will cause friction which will not be good for your baby, but that is just my opinion.

You could try asking your employer to consider job share.

Would it be poss to work from home and have your Mum to look after little one in your own home? Or, if you could afford it, have a full/part time nanny working from your own house.......just trying to think outside the box here. LOL

Or, pay your Mum to look after little one on a full time basis, that way he would be with someone you trusted, someone he knew and she would not lose out on the money stakes.

[portiabuzz]

this is something im going to have to consider, I really want to have a baby but so hard to know when the 'right' time is and what i would do work wise

[lizpurlo]

Is there any way that you could start your own business - being self-employed with your Mum to help at busy times? Maybe start off with your pt job to bring some cash in while you look at s.e. possibilities? It doesn't sound as if your current employers are prepared to be flexible and there's no point in your going back to ft work with them if you're just going to be miserable and worrying about Arthur. Life's too short!

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do - it's a tricky one to sort out. xx

[Hannah]

I don't have children, but plenty of my friends and family do. I think you have to speak frankly with your husband, explain your dreams and concerns. Can you work from home or become self-employed?

I have a dear friend (now in New Zealand) who works 3 days a week, her hubby works 4 days a week and I think their child only goes into childcare for 1 day per week. My sister-in-law worked mon-wed in a job share, the other person did wed-fri. They looked after each other's baby for a day every week so their children only went into daycare for 2 of the 3 days their mothers were working. My cousin has gone back full time and has a nanny that looks after her child and another, so the cost of having the nanny is obviously halved. Could you work out anything similar to these arrangements?

If you did go back full time, would you have problems getting time off if Arthur is ill? Have a serious look at all outgoings, see www.moneysavingexpert.com forum debt-free wannabe section. Make sure you are on good energy/phone/broadband/mobile tariffs etc, see if rather than making more money, you can make it go further

[Deleted]

Childhood is a time you will never get back and your Oh has to realise that your priorities have shifted a little bit since you became a mum.

One of my friends (quite a few years ago) when she had her daughter became the main income earner ( she was and still is a barrister) and her Oh became a house husband which was not a common thing then but it worked out well in the long term. They maintained their income and lifestlye and now the girls are all grown up her OH has returned to his work (he is a solicitor)........

[rosemaryhannah]

I think one does need to make sure one will be able to protect one's own career if the worst happens and one's partner dies or leaves one, or one leaves them. As long as you are sure you can go back to fulfilling work when the children are older, or go back at any time if the need really arises, then I cannot see the point of much money.

Everybody needs food, a roof over their head, and to be able to care for their children. If we have animals I think most of us would add 'and keep our animals safe and happy'.

After that, money is dross. Children on the other hand are an utter delight and childhood is brief.

[companymagic]

Thank you all. I have my appeal meeting today, I just know they will refuse it but I have tried my best.
My Pt job is going well and Arthy is happy with Mum and Mum is happy to have him. I have until the end of July to hand my notice in.
I know if Ieave this job I would struggle to get a similar paid job but I am prepared to worry about that when I need to. I am a resourceful lady and have never been unemployed since I started work age 15.

So lets see how we go, I just hope my OH doesn't stress too much about money. For me family, health and happiness win every time!

I won't ever get this time back with my baby. Thanks again all, You're a great bunch x

[portiabuzz]

all the best x x

Sent from my GT-I8160

[jamesb]

CM, I think the very fact you've asked the question in the first place implies that you already know the answer, albeit that the practicalities don't necessarily align with it. Things do have a way of working themselves out though.

I'm surprised your existing employer is being so reluctant to accommodate you with flexi-working or the like. Maybe that's a sign that you should move on anyway!