Why can't it be enough?

[sophie666]

Some of you may think I'm stupid for writing this and the answer to my problem is obvious, but think I just need some support.

My best friend of 5 years is male and we have always got on amazingly well. We used to spend all our free time around work at the horses together and when we weren't there we text all the time. Just loved spending time with him and we had so much in common. He eventually told someone I knew that he loved me and we tried a relationship. However it just didn't feel right to me. It was almost like I was going out with a brother rather then a boyfriend and I had to break it off. I just didn't want him in that way. I felt awful but couldn't pretend and it broke his heart.

We went though some bad times after he had some space and then I tried to get him to talk to me again. But we came through and are good friends again now. 

I've just spent some time with him today for the first time in ages and it was great. Loved seeing him, feel comfortable with him, hes great with my horses, we could chat all day. Hes not bad looking either. I just don't understand why he can't be what I want. Hes everything I do and should want, and he really loves me. So why don't I?! I'm in my 30's and can't say I'm unhappy being single, I quite like it to be honest. A relationship would be nice, but if I don't have one I'm not too bothered. He would do anything for me, hes secure, we get on, have loads in common and sometimes I think why don't I just grow up and have a relationship with him. A lot of women would kill to have a guy like this. Am I just being too picky and watched too many romantic films thinking love should be something that is amazing? Is love actually like this or is it just a comfy, we get on well, and fall into a steady everyday relationship straight away. 

I bet I sound like an idiot. I just keep thinking that maybe I am missing out on something with him and the chance to have a guy that really loves me. Should I just be greatful for that and stop thinking I should have more? Hes such a nice person, the idea of trying anything with him again and then it not working and hurting him all over again is just not right. I love him definitely but I don't think its the way he needs and I couldn't be with him and not love him the way he deserves, it just wouldn't be right. So why am I always questioning myself?!

I hope this makes sense, I'm just really confused.

[lizpurlo]

I don't think you're stupid at all, you can't make yourself love someone just like that. Though he does sound like a lovely chap!

It's a great start for a relationship just being friends, but you really need the 'phwooaaarrrr' factor as well, if you know what I mean. And if it's not there after all this time, it probably isn't going to be. I can't see that being a basis for a successful long term relationship. It sounds to me as if you're enjoying his company just as a friend, but he's holding out for a bit more, and it would worry me that perhaps he's putting his life 'on hold' in the hopes that he can win you round. Which is a shame for him, if you just don't feel that way about him.

How would you feel if he found someone else to have a relationship with? Would you be happy for him?

In a way I think that perhaps it would have been better not to have tried to get him to talk to you again, then he could have got on with his own life - I don't mean that to sound harsh, but you and he seem to be looking for different things, and it might have been easier for all concerned. I think you need to step away from him.

[portiabuzz]

you cant make yourself love anyone, even if perfect on paper the heart wants what it wants xxx you shouldnt make yourself be with someone it will only end in tears if your meant to be together then let things happen naturally but go with your heart. !

[antares]

He's not the one!! If he was you would know by now, especially after having had a break from him for a while.

I went through a similar thing about 10 years ago, I had to make it clear on many occassions that we werent going to be together. Eventually he got a girlfriend and then we spent a lot more time apart - I really missed him but I was glad he was settling down .

When I met my husband I knew!!!! 100%. I would never have settled for less than that, would have rather stayed single

[clipclop]

There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone.

Sent from my GT-I9195 using proboards

[portiabuzz]

quite right clipclop

[ruthp]

I think I agree with the others, but the irony is, a lot of successful long term relationships often end up in the sort of comfortable place you guys are in now. However they would never have started without the pheromone driven lust that appears to be lacking at least on your part.

Looking at it from a completely different perspective, I have a few friends from both Hindu and Muslim communities who have very successful arranged marriages (and no, I'm not suggesting I think this is a good thing!). They all say that they always expected their families to find their partners for them, and trusted that their parents would take into account temperament, likes / dislikes, intellect, etc. as well as the more traditional elements when choosing their partner. They didn't even know them when they married, let alone love them, but my friends have all learnt to genuinely love their spouses. It undoubtedly helps that they are very tolerant people, but even without lust, love can grow.

[portiabuzz]

i see where you are coming from but i do believe that everyone should be able to find 'the one', the person who makes your heart beat faster and whom you couldnt bear to loose

[portiabuzz]

sorry slipped into loved up soppy mode then !

[jamesb]

Mar 13, 2014 17:58:49 GMT 1 portiabuzz said:

sorry slipped into loved up soppy mode then !

Indeedily you did, PB

Sophie, "should" is a very limiting word (to me, anyway). You feel like you "should" want this chap but, for whatever reason, he doesn't push all of your buttons — only the ones that are involved in day-to-day life and that offer a companionable way to spend time. May I suggest you let go of "should" and just be present in the friendship as it is, for the time being at least.

In my mind there's nothing wrong with having a fraternal relationship; if nothing more comes of it, so what? You seem to have a good friend although the disparity in your respective feelings for one another may place a strain on it in the future. I'd be wary of any misinterpretations on either of your parts on the depth of the friendship and, if they arise, you ought to consider ceasing contact with him.

These things do have a way of working themselves out over the long term. Good luck.

[portiabuzz]

What a great post Jaymes x