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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2014 17:04:59 GMT 1
really has to be sometimes one of the most ungrateful creatures on the whole planet!
I do her shopping for her, sort her banking out, pay her council tax and keep on top of the bills for her. I also go down to hers at least three times a day to make sure she is ok, then I phone her her as well every single morning and evening to check things are ok.......told her on Monday that I was doing the weekly shop online for a few weeks...........am sick and tired of fighting my way through town and having it delivered is easier and saves me time. So said give me the list and I'll get yours sort it all out afterwards.........I might as well talk to the bloody wall sometimes..........everything she specified on the list is there, no substitutions no replacements, everything just as she requested......oh no its not........the potatotes are all wrong apparently they are too big......the carrots are wrong..crooked at the ends......leeks and onions........those wrong too as they are the organic ones.........don't cost any more than the others do they are just organic..........so they are wrong as well..........the butter is the wrong size packet, finally had it up to my eyeballs today with her complaining about something and nothing so told her to sort her own damn shopping out.........then she phones sister and tells her I've been shouting at her........jsut spoke to sister and told her the saga of the wrong veggies........she agrees with me..........sister jsut said to make myself a cup of tea and just breathe again., she will sort the veggie 'problem' out.........I do love my mum honestly just sometimes she really really winds me up!
Rant now over and normal harmonic service will resume once I've had said cup of tea!
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Post by ruthp on Jan 8, 2014 17:36:18 GMT 1
Aw, hugs Christine!
I think I'd be heading for something a bit stronger than tea.
We can all be a bit resistant to change, and I'm afraid the older we get the more change resistant we are likely to be. This sound as though your Ma is finding the idea of online shopping a bit hard to cope with ( even though she's not the one doing it!), so she's finding fault because she's uncomfortable. She probably couldn't articulate what the real issue is, she probably doesn't know herself, so this is the only way she can express it.
Horrible for you though, particularly as you do so much for her. Don't forget to take care of you too.
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Post by ladyndibs on Jan 8, 2014 17:36:28 GMT 1
Have you had your tea yet, perhaps even a second cup?
Do you think it could be part of her general mental decline? Maybe she recognises that you do a lot for her but not only through choice but because she would struggle to do it by herself. If that is the case then possibly she's just lashing out because of frustration. It can be difficult when the things you used to take for granted being able to do you no longer can and have to rely on others especially as the child has taken on the responsibilities that were always the parents'.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 8, 2014 18:04:38 GMT 1
final seal on things tonight........her tumble dryer has gone wrong, not sure what the problem is but a friend of son in laws mends washers and dryers for a living, he said he will come up tomorrow and fix the problem for nothing, she's now grumbling about 'strangers being in her house'...........told her she can pay someone to fix it or have it done for nothing as a gesture from a very nice person!
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Post by gwenoakes on Jan 8, 2014 21:53:33 GMT 1
Do you think she could be worrying about you not coping with all the extra's you are doing for her, Christine?
This could then lead on to her worrying about what she would do if you couldnt help as much. Just a thought and hope you enjoyed yer cuppa.
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Post by specialized on Jan 9, 2014 8:39:03 GMT 1
The one that does all the caring is often the one that takes all the flak - could you not share responsibilities with other family members?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2014 10:32:29 GMT 1
|Gwen no she does not worry about me..........I can cope with all the extra stuff.......thats not someting I worry about really.
Specialized theres no way anyone else would take any responsibility at all..........their excuse is 'we all work, you only work from home so you can manage to look after mums day to day stuff can't you'....... and the ohter excuse is 'you're the eldest and you live nearest'
Have spoken to her this morning ans she has apologised for being a crabby bat yesterday...........and then told me that theres a hospital appointment tomorrow morning so thats my Friday morning gone before I start! Gt a load of packages to get out today so better get them sorted for collection!
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Post by happysnail on Jan 9, 2014 13:28:29 GMT 1
No one presses your buttons like your family. Someone gave my granny a prayer card for her purse when my grandfather was declining with Parkinson's syndrome and she was angry and upset and declining herself - 'God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.' I'm not religious but I think it helps find a calmer place to look at the situation and separate things out. Even with both parents and I caring for grandparents, it could be tough (my sister lives away and my brother sometimes visited and my aunt was 500 miles away). We were literally juggling time by 5min intervals with 3 of us working full time and my dad doing on call nights as well. We really needed the respite, and we got that from each other and family shouldering the load even to get an odd couple hours, an evening out or even a couple of days so we could get away or even just walk the dogs somewhere nice. So if you're doing weekday days, perhaps they could say do a couple evenings or a weekend day but also try once a week to do something quality with your mum that isn't about the caring aspect but your relationship- like something you both enjoy or looking out old pictures (and sometimes you do have to force yourself but it makes a difference).
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Post by Deleted on Jan 9, 2014 14:17:59 GMT 1
Thanks Happysnail, I do try to take her out somewhere nice each week or so........and shes happy when we do but working from home I have to maintain three online shops and get packages out to customers, not that hard but I do have to give that some time. as for family helping out fat chance of that one happening........sister and brother in law who live not too far away (5 minutes) are only interested in going to their wine tasting club, the french society and the gym.......my two nieces come over and spend time with mum which is nice really, but other brothers couldn't give a flying toss unless its something the want mum to help them with......sewign etc........which is something else that winds me up...........
Sorry for venting on here and unloading on you guys but you really do help me put things back into perspective again....
I have that prayer card as well but a friend also gave me a card withthe alternative version on it..
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to find a good place to bury the bodies of those who were unwise enough to p*ss me off!..........irrevent I know but so true!
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Post by happysnail on Jan 9, 2014 14:22:25 GMT 1
Christine, I like your version!  It's definitely a good idea to vent. Preferably away from those involved. But it's a hard situation - you can only do what you can do. Hugs x |
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Post by mollichop on Jan 9, 2014 14:40:34 GMT 1
(((hugs))) Christine, I too bore the brunt of my Mother's wrath at the world, I had 2 brothers who could not contact her for weeks on end, do absolutely nothing for her but the sun always shone out of their proverbials!! I have no pearls of wisdom to offer, it helped to try to brush it off and grow a thick skin but it still hurt deep down and caused some ruckus. Stay strong, grit your teeth, don't forget you have a life too!! enjoy your tea and some nice aromatic long hot baths!  |
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Post by portiabuzz on Jan 9, 2014 20:08:46 GMT 1
Just to say xxx hang in there |
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Post by jill on Jan 10, 2014 14:36:08 GMT 1
It is really difficult, I know, my sister does most of what he needs for our father, as I live too far away.
I did have occasion a few years ago to take him to task, and I could feel the resentment bubbling up inside me when he came to stay and loaded me with unnecessary and unappreciated work. I resisted the urge to snap, waited until my adrenalin levels had subsided and calmly pointed out that I would appreciate it if he could do (x, y and Z) to help me cope.
My father being my father he didn't respond at the time but when he got home, wrote me a letter, defending his reasons why he couldn't lift a finger to help lol (he likes writing letters!!). Whilst he has never been able to admit to being in the wrong, I think he did take on board the things I had said.
So..........could you talk calmly but assertively to your mother, is she sensible enough to be able to talk things through? Clear out the resentment and replace it with ideas of how things need to improve, what you need her to do to help etc etc? Let her know how much effort you put in to making her life comfortable without her needing to pay for professional help. Then you can help her in whatever ways she really NEEDS you to rather than what she feels you ought to. Just a thought.
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Post by portiabuzz on Jan 10, 2014 16:26:06 GMT 1
hope your ok christine xxxx
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Post by taklishim on Jan 10, 2014 19:08:00 GMT 1
Sorry for venting on here and unloading on you guys but you really do help me put things back into perspective again.... God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to find a good place to bury the bodies of those who were unwise enough to p*ss me off!..........irrevent I know but so true! sorry I have to laugh. Alternative would be to cry. Since you very helpfully provided me with info things have moved on. Police on the phone, we have broken the door down she wouldn't let the carer's in. Ambulance man, she won't go to hospital so we are arranging a phone call in 2 hours time from the ambulance service to check she is OK. If she doesn't answer we will send an ambulance on blue lights and the police to break the door down again. She didn't answer, I spent the next half hour on 999 try to call off the heavy squad. Few days later neighbour phones, they have carted her off in an ambulance. Ring the hospital. Orthopaedic consultant speaks to me. Why am I talking to orthopaedics she has a lung infection. Not now she doesn't, she has a fractured hip. Ring the neighbour, other door has been broken into as she wouldn't let the ambulancemen in yet again. I am looking for the wisdom bit at the moment! Still she is safely tucked up in a hospital bed so all is right with the world.  good luck with yours.  |
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It's definitely a good idea to vent. Preferably away from those involved. But it's a hard situation - you can only do what you can do. Hugs x
