When Help doesn't help..

[companymagic]

How would you handle this..

I help a lovely lady at the yard with her horse, I turn him out in the mornings every day, and in return she does odd bits for me in the evenings normally making feeds etc..

However the last few weeks she has been extra helpful, and tonight she put my beds down around my ponies and fed them and did hay and water etc. How is that a problem you ask..

Well I have massive stable yard OCD. I have an order in which everything needs to be done and I get very upset if that's not done the way I want to do it.

I know its really silly but I am who I am.. This evening as my ponies had been in for the afternoon she had put all the banked bedding down over the muck that was in their boxes. It sent massive cold shivers down my spine. I have to do a full muck out if they have been in for even a few hours.

So how do I tell this lovely and very well meaning lady to stop helping me without seeming ungrateful and mean ?

Its totally not her fault but mine for being a control freak... But I have to wait for her to leave the yard and then redo everything...

[anastasia55555]

Could you show her how u do it? I dont know, hard to know what to say im afraid i know what you mean tho, im so grateful for help when people do help, but im a bit of an OCD freak too. Like with the snow, i wanted to get to the horses myself, as i know that other people would do the hay the same, or clear up poo out of the shelter etc etc lol

[jen1]

i think you have to ask your self, are the horses suffering,are they going to die with a bit of muck in there beds, probably not, i think id just put up and shut up, or work out between you both that if the banks are up and theres a pile left in the middle its to be taken out before the banks go back down, im a bit anal re beds but grateful for all the help i can get for good or bad, i just hope that folks will get as anal as me, i lead by example ,i also accept that everyone is differant

[companymagic]

I am trying really hard to let it go as I know any help is lovely.. But its things like Haylage and feeds. My fatties needs to be very closely monitored to make sure they are not getting to much, if someones fills my net I have no idea how much was in their before the fatties started on it etc..

And the Beds. No the ponies won't die but it cost an extra two bales of paper if they are not fully mucked out as the wet get's mixed in. So while its lovely of her to help, it cost me £16 to re stock my beds after all the wet has then been removed.

I have tried to nicely say not to worry about the ponies as I am fine, and will ask when I need something but she loves my Highland and I think she enjoys doing it. Am I being just horrid and ungrateful?

[greyhorses]

When you have valid reasons (horse's health and cost) rather than your own OCD, then I think you need to ask her not to 'do' various tasks and explain why.

[jen1]

Dec 28, 2010 21:10:50 GMT 1 companymagic said:

I am trying really hard to let it go as I know any help is lovely.. But its things like Haylage and feeds. My fatties needs to be very closely monitored to make sure they are not getting to much, if someones fills my net I have no idea how much was in their before the fatties started on it etc..

And the Beds. No the ponies won't die but it cost an extra two bales of paper if they are not fully mucked out as the wet get's mixed in. So while its lovely of her to help, it cost me £16 to re stock my beds after all the wet has then been removed.

I have tried to nicely say not to worry about the ponies as I am fine, and will ask when I need something but she loves my Highland and I think she enjoys doing it. Am I being just horrid and ungrateful?

i think id say your a really big help to me, but to make life easier ive drawn up a weight chart of the amount of haylage each horse should have,and a few other things that would make both your lives easier, it sounds like your not communicating with her properly,

[annmarieb]

the kindest thing to do, is just explain your ocd, im sure she will understand

[treacletart]

Maybe both of you have a cuppa at the yard, and share your concerns in a nice way with her and how you feel, she wont know until you do. Listen to her views too. You both sound reasonable people so it shouldnt be a problem. Share ideas. Come to some understanding. It may sound scary to confront it all, but after it will seem like a little blip. Once someone understands the reasons for doing things in a particular way, it makes things easier. Communication doesnt need to be scary or difficult.

[joflo]

Just wanted to say I'm the same. I've had horses for over thirty years and I think you just get ingrained into your own way of doing things. I'll do anything for anyone but like to do things my way when it coes to my own horses. I'm sure it's sortable though. Good luck :

[Daz]

Just tell her how YOU would like it done.

[mrsfields]

awkward...

i think it's lovely you have someone who is so willing to help - she sounds like a really nice person...

maybe you should just ask her to stick with the feeds and water perhaps, and not to worry about the other stuff as you don't want to trouble her with the extra work involved in clearing out the stables first, explaining about the extra bedding costs and why you need to clear out the stables first etc.

i don't think you can really "tell" her how you want it done as she's not exactly working for you is she? that would be pushing it a bit imo lol!!!

[barbararob]

I'd fess up and tell her how it's an OCD of yours and you love it that she helps and is around but you need to feed your OCD. None of us do everything the same and as a petsitter I have to try very hard to do whats on instructions rather than what 'I' think is the right way to do things.

[Tuppence]

Dec 29, 2010 9:10:09 GMT 1 joflo said:

Just wanted to say I'm the same. I've had horses for over thirty years and I think you just get ingrained into your own way of doing things. I'll do anything for anyone but like to do things my way when it coes to my own horses. I'm sure it's sortable though. Good luck :

Yup, that's me too. I can't bear for anyone to 'help' I even get cold sweats if my daughter or OH does something slightly differently.

Yet we feel ungrateful and mean! I can't decide if its OCD or a control issue or almost a sort of superstitious thing that if I do it 'my' way then everything will be alright..

I'm a sad old woman I guess.

[Amanda Seater]

If it is really OCD and the beds are all that you need to stay sane, then I would explain it to her.

I don't think you can ask her to do it your way - thats not fair.

Perhaps you could find her something to do that wouldn't affect your nerves or your pocket if she loves the pony that much - perhaps grooming him.

She does rather sound like a treasure and if you are ill she would be worht her weight in gold no matter how she did the beds.

Just explain it to her but do tell her how grateful you are for general help.

[lawyerbunny]

I agree with Amanda.

I think everyone has ways they like things to be done. Where there are really powerful control issues it is hugely difficult to let go and let someone else do things...I suspect a lot of us have been there in one way or another!

Control issues seem to appear a fair bit with people and their horses...do you get these feelings just re. the horses, OP, or other things too? Might this be an opportunity to tackle something that holds you back?

Agree re. talking it through with her and finding a way that suits you both. A helping hand is indeed worth its weight in gold, I'm sure she'll understand.

Best wishes for getting it sorted.
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