Depression and confidence

[natty]

Long story but basically this week has been such an emotional roller coaster starting on Wednesday when I had a life changing chat with my boss!
I opened up to her about things I haven't told anyone, she helped me so much to be able to open up about things, so this week I have told my mum and my OH about my eating habits (or lack of) basically I have avoided eating meals on and off since I was 14, living off just a chocolate bar a day.
I have seen the dr who has also diagnosed me with depression so now 2 days in on these pills he has given me I'm already seeing things differently, I literally can not stop eating and had 2 meals today for the 1st time in years, still very emotional over britains got talent and still avoiding being on my own with my daughter (who's 3)
But! Where as last week I thought my OH and family could never be proud of me I realised they are proud of what I have achieved and everything I will achieve, I am just not proud of myself!
So I have given myself a few little aims, I'm putting my career on a back burner for a while to sort myself out but a few of my aims will help, firstly I want to get a hca job to help me get into uni for the nursing degree, secondly (where you guys come in) I want to overcome my confidence issues I have with my horse, on the ground and riding, I seem to be fine one day and really happy with what I do with her then take 20 steps back.
The biggest aim of all is I want to take her to a show, something I have never done but always sat watching feeling green with envy, I just don't have the confidence to do that with my horse but most of all have someone watching.
So my dr is thinking of sending me to have some cognitive therapy to help with my depression and general confidence issues I have with people and myself so I'm hoping that will help but want to do as much for myself as possible!
Can anyone please tell me where I can start with my horse from the ground and riding, i don't feel ready for riding in the field and don't have a school but will hack if I'm being led and a few times my friend has let me off without me knowing but really need to take this further and have a real connection with my girl, I believe she is the only one who could help me through this :-(

Ideally I would like to start some work on ground as well which will help me get a step closer to my aim of a show so maybe learning to confidently lead her? But unsure how to start, even being able to brush her back end without stretching.

God I have just noticed how long this is I am so sorry I'm also sorry if this doesn't make sense these pills are doing funny things to me (not complaining at all hehe)

Thanks for reading xxx

[ladyndibs]

Hey well done, what a huge step and I'm sure it will be the first of many, most will be forwards there will be a few sideways and sorry to say there will be some going back but already you are so much further forward than a week ago and even if you do have the odd bad day overall you will continue to move forward and you should be proud of yourself as it is so much harder to try and overcome a problem than to carry on ignoring it.

I can't give any advice about riding etc as my mare is so unpredictable at the moment it's has been hard work just to touch her but I try to view it as tiny little targets rather than look and say 'I want to ride her'
On Tuesday she took a step towards me, ok it was for a couple of pony nuts and it was only one step with one leg but she hadn't felt able to trust enough to do it the previous day but she did do it twice, the following day she did it again but the step was slightly bigger, today she was taking 3 steps towards me, tiny targets but ones that she and I can achieve.
If you feel you don't have much confidence handling her on the ground I would get an RA out, Suzanne Marshall came out last week and the boost it gave me knowing that some of my instincts were right (not to push Lady too far) and having her showing me some tips and techniques was invaluable. I could waffle for hours about how good it was but I get boring ;D

[Deleted]

Hi Natty

it's unlikely the medication has improved your mood as it is a good month before anti-depressants take any effect. it's more likely that you are feeling better becuase you have sought help and well done for that.

for depression you need to identify the triggers and either learn how to deal with them or make life changes where you can minimise the impact of the triggers. CBT courses are fantastic and grab any that are offered with both hands, life coaching courses and counselling are great as well to identify why are you depressed and to help you deal with it.

Be aware that depression is a rollercoaster ride, one day you can feel good, another day you can have a crashing down, so be prepared for this.

As you have said, you need to keep any targets small and achievable, and forgive yourself when things goes wrong or don't go the way you want them to. Don't be arfraid or ashamed to ask for help and most importantly learn to be kind to yourself.

Also, make sure you are doing things for you and not becuase you want admiration of others to make you feel good. that's the biggest thing for me, I needed other people to think I am good and that what I'm doing is good. It's really tough but learning to not focus and dwell on what others are thinking is really helpful.

Improving your diet is massive and a huge step forward, healthy eating will help your energy levels etc and your mood.

I am a long term sufferer of depression, similar to you and chocolate I lived on bacardi and coke, litres of it a day. I didn't eat. I'm struggling with a serious bout again at the moment, but I have had this article run in the local paper covering my story and marathon attempt.

www.harlowstar.co.uk/News/Marathon-training-is-no-tea-party-for-Mad-Hatter-Deb-05042012.htm

also, while you wait for the CBT to come through from your doctor, check this free self help course, I'm working through it at the moment with the help of Mind. It's got some really good stuff about taking on small challenges, questioning negative thoughts etc, it might help.

www.llttf.com/index.php?section=login

anyway, congratulations on taking the first step and I am sure you will start to enjoy your horse.

as for how to get started with that I would echo what has been said about getting someone out to help if you can so you dont' feel quite so overwhelmed. and instead of focusing on wanting to go to a show pick one area you want to work on in particular, just one thing. for example, if your horses doesn't walk politely in hand, concentrate on working to control each foot one at a time using pressure and release, then just deal with that one thing. then when that is sorted move onto another single challenge. write it down if you like, bullet points of areas you want to work on then tick them off as you work on them. have a plan on how you are going to work on them and also try to think of things that might go wrong while you are working on that plan and how you will deal with them, that way you feel prepared.

don't know if this is any help, but really wish you luck in your recovery

[curlytobiano]

Natty, a huge well done to you for having the courage to be honest about your eating problems. There may be people reading this, and I am one, who have taken many years to build up to that amount of courage or who are still building up to it.

It will be a long journey, as others have said, but you have taken the biggest and most difficult step and you absolutely will be able to do all that you need to.

As for taking your horse to a show - obviously safety is vital, and you need to make sure that is ok - but if so, why not get someone along with you, a horsy person if possible but if not someone sensible and supportive, and just take your horse to a show without entering any classes, and either just walk her round the show ground and watch a few things, or else act as if you were going to enter a class, tack up, warm up, sit outside the ring for a bit, then just untack, big big rub well done (for both of you) and go home. I think this would build your confidence and actually you would probably really be wishing you were entered for a class and this will give you motivation for next time.

Try to pick a friendly small local show - if you look on horse dates or something and ring the organiser I am sure most of them would be very sympathetic.

Well done again, and good luck with your journey x

[sarahlev]

Hi Natty,

Well done for taking your first steps to beating depression and eating problems. I've been there too and agree with what others say about the rollercoaster ride. Small steps are best, and be proud of every achievement, in all areas of your life, horsey or otherwise.

Therapy can be very useful, but you are absolutely right to want to do as much for yourself as possible. All the therapy and medication in the world will not help much until you take responsibility for your recovery. I'm afraid this may sound a bit harsh but it's true; it took me many years of wanting to "be fixed" before I really began taking responsibility for myself and working with the help I was given. It sounds like you're starting with the right attitude so well done ;D

Can't help much with the horsey side as that's an area I'm still struggling with. An RA sounds a great idea (wish there was one here!). If you want to take her to a show, how about a tiny local show, as curleytobiano suggests, and just do an in-hand class, don't worry about winning, just be proud to be there showing eveyone what a lovely horse you have.

Good luck with everything and keep us posted x

[Mellymoo]

Just wanted to add my support for you - well done, it's a massive step you've taken! If you want to get well, you will :-)

Do you have supportive horsey people around you that can help? I have THE best team of people around me now who offer to help me out and if I am having a wibble day they get me over it. You CAN and WILL do everything you want to do! Imagine yourself being at a show with your horse, and surround it with good and happy feelings - then it will happen like that! If I am having a bad confidence day, I imagine what I want to happen - it can be as simple as managing to get Jos in from the field without him running off with me - and usually it happens the way I imagine. If you get any negative thoughts (I get these a lot) then I tell them to go away and cancel them out with the good thoughts.

Where are you based natty? Perhaps someone off here is close to you and you could have pony parties? I'm in the midst of sorting out one on my yard for a couple of friends.

[natty]

Thank you all for your support it means a lot xxx
Well today was a bad day, I have found I hit my lowest point around midday and where as before opening up I used to control it and it made me feel physically ill which would last all day so wouldn't eat now I just hide myself away and cry which after speaking to my OH today said he hates it because he feels so helpless and if there was anything he could do to help me just say, bless him I feel awful about what this must be doing to him :-(
I had a falling out with my mum over the phone earlier which was made a lot better by getting her to speak to my daughter over the phone to tell her she has to sleep, brought a tear to my eye when she was explaining to my girl that for the next few months mummy is going to be tired and stressed so I really need her to do as I tell her, my girl even gave me a hug and said in her own jumbled up way that she will tidy her toys away all the time and make me a cake if I smile all the time and feel better :-(

I wanted a day with my horse today to just lead her around and maybe take her for a small hack but thanks to our lovely British weather I didn't feel safe with the strong wind so that made me feel very down.

I have a wonderful neighbour who is coming up to the field on Wednesday to ride my mare and to see where I might have problems and she's going to try and solve my mares issues when being ridden in the field so I can feel safe to get on her in the field and hopefully be back up on Thursday to carry on if not over the weekend.
Hopefully the weather will be nice on Saturday because my plans have fallen through so I am going to do today's plans then :-)

I can see a spot of light at the end of my tunnel just wish I could get through this horrible feeling of guilt, I had 2 miscarriages before my daughter and tried for over a year to have her so I feel like I shouldn't be depressed because I have everything I could ever want, my horses, brilliant family, the best partner a girl could ever wish for and best of all my amazing daughter who even when I'm at my lowest she always finds a way to put a smile on my face.

I will keep you all posted with how things go with my horse on Saturday and hopefully I will have the biggest smile on my face

[sarahlev]

Hi Natty,
Just wanted to say a few words about your feeling guilty. You feel you shouldn't have depression because you have so much going for you.... this I totally understand as I was just the same. Depression doesn't work like that, it may be triggered by so many different things unrelated to your present circumstances. It's great that you realise all the good things you have, try to appreciate them as much as you can and when the depression does bite try not to feel guilty, as that just adds to the bad feelings. Some days you have to accept that things are not going your way and keep breathing and believe it will pass. Beating this thing is a long term project.
I hope you get the big smile too

[natty]

Thank you sarahlev it is hard to shift the guilt and constantly finding new things to feel guilty about :-(

On a good note I had my neighbour come to ride my Rosie today and she has offered to do some schooling on her to work through all the excitement and let Rosie see that controlled work is fun too!
I'm going to take Rosie out for a hack on Saturday and if my OH is feeling better he is going to walk with me, which is a first for me as I normally have a friend take me out :-)
I just want to go back to the old me happily hacking anywhere on my own sitting in the field with the horses sharing my lunch with them or even them stealing my lunch! I would also love to wake up in the morning and think its going to be a great day :-(
I feel awful moaning on about my problems to you guys I just don't feel I have anyone else to talk to, my mums great but hardly see her or speak to her enough although when I do speak to her she either calms me down because im a wreck or praises me for being positive :-)
My OH has to live with me so I worry about talking to him about everything and I don't have any close friends to talk to since my best mate although more like sister suddenly died 8 years ago.
Thank you all again for your support and hopefully Saturday I will be telling you all I am a fighter and fought one of my fights and ready to take on another :-)

[Mellymoo]

Enjoy your hack - it'll be great! Any time you want to talk, PM me. xx

[natty]

Thank you mellymoo it means a lot xxx

[natty]

Hack didn't go to plan my friend schooled Rosie for a bit first and I was going to take her up the road and back but my OH has come down with sickness bug and Rosie had a funny 5 before leaving the yard and he had no strength to stop her (she's still a baby and I like someone on the ground just incase) she spooked and we both nearly went flying into a tractor luckily my friend was still there and walked with me down the drive and back but on a good note there was no lead rope and she only held Rosie when Rosie tensed up :-) so doing some more ground work this week and focusing on some more clicker training and going for a hack on Friday morning, my friend will ride half the way round then I jump on the other half. It's surprising how much happier I feel tonight though just from such a short ride :-)

[ladyndibs]

It didn't go as you'd hoped but you still rode her and you and Rosie did really well by the sounds of it, glad you enjoyed it.

[natty]

Just wanted to update, my dr has upped my dose of pills and I am completely different! I am finally the person I used to be, so laid back (probably a bit too much) and no longer afraid to offend anyone when I say how I feel :-)
Not too sure on my confidence at the moment as every chance I have had to ride I have either been in work or my daughter has been ill, or it has been hailing :-(
I have found an instructor though who is going to start when I come back from holiday :-)
Unfortunately it doesn't look like her rider is coming back up though as I haven't heard from her in weeks and I'm not interested in someone who is a fair weather rider, she has 3 days a week to ride and with my girl being a baby still these past few weeks she should have been up a few times, so gonna have my lessons and have my neighbour ride a couple days a week instead. By the way no offence to any fair weather riders I wish I could be one, but I would like my girl ridden come rain or shine, it was the agreement and I wasn't asking money towards her upkeep so don't think it's too much to ask :-(

[Andrew Moy]

natty, you are the person you are and that is good enough - dont ever think you have to be more or less that that